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Nickel
Ranttm:
Never Fry Bacon When You're Naked

by Edgar J.
Steele

May 6,
2007

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My name is Edgar J. Steele.  This is a
Nickel Rant.

I thought my son never would stop laughing.  Here I just had given him a
serious tip, designed to enhance his experience of life as he leaves home for
college this fall, but he thought I was joking.

"Son," I had said with the best deadpan I could muster, "remember
this always - never fry bacon when you're naked."

"You're speaking from personal experience, I take it?" he asked, once
he got himself somewhat under control.

Sheepishly:  "Yes.  I wasn't much older than you and on my own
in my first apartment at college.  But, you miss my point."  He
started laughing again.

"In other words," I continued, feeling a little frustrated, "Think
of the consequences always, even for the seemingly most insignificant things you
might do."

"Is this one of the Immutable Laws?" he asked, between giggles.

"No, but it is a corollary, to be sure.  Call it a tip or a
refinement, if you like.  I already have given you all ten  of The
Laws."

You see, for years I have been writing down and, one at a time, giving my son
what I have dubbed the Ten Immutable Laws of the Universe.  Really
long-term readers of my writings (and I brush up against The Laws in my book) will recall the concept and,
perhaps, even recognize some of them.  Here is the complete list:

Ten Immutable Laws of the
Universe

1.  Men are right.

2.  Women are slow.

3.  Mom is never wrong.

4.  The world is full of
morons.

5.  If you're bored, you're
boring.

6.  The old ways are the best
ways.

7.  Pigs get fat – hogs get
slaughtered.

8.  Profanity is the crutch of a weak
mind.

9.  Do the right thing; not the smart
thing.

10. If you want to be loved more, be more
lovable.

You're right.  Not exactly equal to the ten laws given to that fellow in
the flowing robes and flip flops on Mount Sinai or wherever.  I think of
these laws as more akin to the law of gravity, but derived from and for social
interaction.  Rules for living.  Laugh if you will (and I do hear the
laughter out there), but read them again, and carefully consider the
implications of each.

For those who required schematics to understand girls, let's take them, one
by one.  Now, I'm going to go through these quickly and provide only
partial insight.  You connect the dots and see if you don't agree that
there is a very serious side, indeed, to the Ten Immutable Laws of the Universe:

1. Men are
right.  Men and women are different - very different.  Men should
be the leaders.  Men should drive the tanks, fly the jets and fight the
wars.  Men should make the decisions.  Women should nurture and stay
out of politics and ... well, all things manly.  Men are right and
women are left, as in left-wing.  Are there exceptions?  Occasionally,
but not many.  This is a result of reality, ingrained into our genetics,
despite our best efforts to scrub it out in recent years.

2. Women are
slow.  Seriously.  Surely, nobody can challenge this one.
Again, genetics in action.  Women had to consider long and hard with whom
they would throw in their lot, to ensure their survival during long, harsh
winters in the cave, while pregnant and/or caring for the young.  Men had
to act fast, else they got eaten by large, quicker things.

This Law translates into the most
trivial of all things in life - getting ready to go out, for example.  I
can get dressed in less than a minute - until I was married, I had two colors of
socks:  black and white.  White was for exercise and black for
everything else.  I never have to remember which way to comb my hair since
I have combed it the same way for over forty years.  And so on...

Female military officers will dither long enough to get you killed.
Male generals might get you killed, but rarely as a result of delay in decision
making.

3. Mom is never
wrong.  She may not be right upon occasion - after all, she isn't a man
- but Mom is never wrong.   And don't you dare make her cry,
because you will regret every time you do so for the rest of your
life.  Trust me on this one, folks.  There's a reason for that
Commandment about honoring your mother and father.

4. The world is full
of morons.  Well, perhaps not literally, but it certainly seems so most
of the time, doesn't it?  Read "Lord of the Flies" by William
Golding for an excellent illustration of how otherwise good people can act
really bad.  More advanced, but more illustrative:  "All the King's
Men," by Robert Penn Warren, as to how even the best of people can go
bad.

5. If
you're bored, you're boring.  Nobody likes a whiner.  Want others
to be more interested in you?  Be more interesting.  Be
accountable.

6. The old
ways are the best ways.  Nothing new under the sun, after all.
History repeats, even for those who study history.

7.
Pigs get fat – hogs get slaughtered.  This one is self-obvious,
too.  But for its universal application, I hesitate to include it in the
list, since it seems to sanction a little dishonesty, but we will fix that with
number 9, below.

8. Profanity is the crutch of a weak
mind.  My older brothers taught me to swear like a sailor.  Ever
since, I have tried, with mixed results, to clean up my act.  This little
homily of mine has proven to help whenever I weaken.

9.
Do the right thing; not the smart thing.  Good deeds pay back
better.  If you don't see that, then you haven't looked far enough
downstream.  This encapsulates the whole concept of karma.  The
ultimate conclusion comes in realizing that giving and being in service to
others, by themselves, provide the satisfaction that the acquisition of power,
money and things fail to yield.

We're all in this
together and doing unto others quite literally is the same as doing unto
yourself, the touchstone of guilt.  Read Dostoevsky's "Crime and
Punishment" for more about the consequences of guilt than you every possibly
thought you wanted to know.

10. If you
want to be loved more, be more lovable.  Be accountable.  This
single Law, if followed, would have kept America out of the Middle East and
still number one on the world's Hit Parade, rather than the epitome of evil
incarnate to nearly 6 billion human beings.  Listen up, all you victims out
there:  Nobody owes you a single thing except to be left alone.

So, once again let me tell you:  Never fry bacon when
you're naked.  Sounds a little different this time, doesn't it?

Another time, I will explain just why it is that pizza left
atop the refrigerator actually tastes better the next morning than if you put it
away inside the fridge.

My name is Edgar J. Steele.  Thanks for listening.  Please visit my
web site, http://www.conspiracypenpal.com/,
for other messages just like this one.
-ed

Copyright ©2007, Edgar J. Steele

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