*Probability Zero*: You Gotta See This!
      by Ian Randal Strock
I guess you could call us a bunch of practical jokers. Our wives usually call us bums, our bosses call us roughnecks, and reporters -- when they talk about us -- spacejacks.
       Building Artemis City ain't the easiest job we've ever had, but it can be interesting. And working in a low-g, no-air environment sure opened things up for some new practical jokes.
       Like the time Benny smeared that real smelly cheese in Artie's air hose: Artie wasn't none too happy that night.
       Or when Stu got on the radio and made like he was from Alpha Centauri; near to scared Bobby outta his suit.
       Anyway, we was all enjoying ourselves -- working hard, as always -- when Greg gets this idea. "Why keep joking each other? We're up here, looking down on the world," Earth is always the world, to us, "and there ain't much they can do to us. We oughta come up with the joke to end all jokes ... on them."
       Well, I didn't know what the joke was, but I knew it was a good idea, and I said so.
       Then Joey comes along. Joey's always got the weirdest jokes. Sometimes they ain't any good, but he's more creative than the rest of us put together.
       "Joey," Greg says, "what's the best way we can joke the whole world at once?"
       Joey's face goes blank, so we know he's deep in thought.
       "There's gonna be an eclipse of the Sun on August 21st." We have no idea how he knows this stuff. "It'll be visible all across the States. That'd be the best time to do it, 'cause everyone will be looking up here."
       "Do what?" asks Artie.
       "Well, we've got all these solar furnaces, right?" The solar furnaces are big kettles with fresnel lenses on top; we use 'em to melt rocks. Anyway, Joey says, "We gotta turn the lenses over. They won't be any good for melting rocks like that, but we can put 'em back again after the joke."
       "Yeah, we could do that," says Stu, "but why?"
       But Joey's back to thinkin'. "And we gotta coat the insides of the furnaces with steel. Real shiny, like mirrors."
       Bobby's the smelting expert. "Okay, coat the insides with high-gloss steel. Yeah, we can do that in like a day. Might not last too long, though."
       "That's fine," says Joey.
       Now we're gettin' into it, but he still hasn't told us what the gag is gonna be.
       "A light source," he starts muttering. "We need a really bright light. Seven of them."
       I figure that means one for each of us.
       "The landing lights," I say. They're my department. "There won't be any ships coming in between now and the 21st, anyway, right Benny?"
       Benny's the guy who keeps track of schedules. "Nope. Next one's not due in 'til the 26th."
       "Okay," says Joey. "Now we're cooking. Power for the lights?"
       "They're plugged into the grid," says Artie, the power boss.
       "Sure, they are now," says Joey. "But they're each going to need an independent power source for this to work. No way we're laying a thousand miles of power cables to pull off this gag."
       "Huh?" someone asks.
       "There's seven of us, which means we'll have to make due with seven points. One furnace and one light each. Each one of us is going to need a battery, Artie."
       "We've still got those RTGs collecting dust. Use 'em?"
       "You'll have to ramp up the power output a bit. But they ought to work."
       And then we get busy. Coating the furnaces and switching the lenses are easy, but putting the lamps in and wiring them up takes a bit more work.
       So anyway, we finish our super-sized flashlights, and Joey's got this map out, all marked up with tracks and seven Xs. "We need one of us at each of those spots. I've mapped out paths that the surface buggies can handle for each of us. We'll have to synchronize our watches so that we all turn them on at the same instant."
       And looking closer at the map, we see the layout of the seven points.
       "A smiley face?" I ask Joey.
       "Hey, everyone's gonna be looking. And when I switch my light off and on, we'll be smiling and winking at the world."

       Copyright (C) 2002 by Ian Randal Strock.