THE WIDE WINDOW

                                          byLEMONY SNICKET




                                                ForBeatrice -

                            Iwould much prefer it if you were alive and well.



                                             The Wide Window



                                                 CHAPTER

                                                     One



 If youdidn't know much about the Baudelaireorphans, and you saw them sitting on their suitcases at
Damocles Dock, you might think thatthey were bound for an exciting adventure.After all, the three
children had just disembarked from the Fickle Ferry, which had driventhem across Lake Lachrymose to
live with theirAunt Josephine, and in most cases such a situation would lead to thrillingly good times.

 But of course you would be dead wrong. Foralthough Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were about
to experience events that would beboth exciting and memorable, they would not beexciting and
memorable like having your fortunetold or going to a rodeo. Their adventure wouldbe exciting and
memorable like being chasedby a werewolf through a field of thorny bushes at midnight with nobody
around to help you. If you are interested in reading a story filled withthrillingly good times, I am sorry to
inform youthat you are most certainly reading the wrongbook, because the Baudelaires experience very
few good times over the course of their gloomyand miserable lives. It is a terrible thing, theirmisfortune,
so terrible that I can scarcely bringmyself to write about it. So if you do not want to read a story of
tragedy and sadness, this is your very last chance to put this book down,because the misery of the
Baudelaire orphansbegins in the very next paragraph.

 "Look what I have for you," Mr. Poe said,grinning from ear to ear and holding out a smallpaper bag.
"Peppermints!" Mr. Poe was a bankerwho had been placed in charge of handling theaffairs of the
Baudelaire orphans after their parents died. Mr. Poe was kindhearted, but it isnot enough in this world to
be kindhearted,particularly if you are responsible for keeping children out of danger. Mr. Poe had known
the three children since they were born, and could never remember that they were allergicto peppermints.

 "Thank you, Mr. Poe," Violet said, and tookthe paper bag and peered inside. Like most
fourteen-year-olds, Violet was too well mannered to mention that if she ate a peppermint she would
break out in hives, a phrase whichhere means "be covered in red, itchy rashes fora few hours." Besides,
she was too occupied withinventing thoughts to pay much attention to Mr.Poe. Anyone who knew Violet
would know thatwhen her hair was tied up in a ribbon to keep itout of her eyes, the way it was now, her
thoughtswere filled with wheels, gears, levers, and othernecessary things for inventions. At this particular
moment she was thinking of how she couldimprove the engine of the Fickle Ferry so itwouldn't belch
smoke into the gray sky.

 "That's very kind of you," said Klaus, themiddle Baudelaire child, smiling at Mr. Poeand thinking that if
he had even one lick of a peppermint, his tongue would swell up and hewould scarcely be able to speak.
Klaus took hisglasses off and wished that Mr. Poe had boughthim a book or a newspaper instead. Klaus
wasa voracious reader, and when he had learnedabout his allergy at a birthday party when he waseight,
he had immediately read all his parents'books about allergies. Even four years later he could recite the
chemical formulas that caused his tongue to swell up.

 "Toi!" Sunny shrieked. The youngest Baudelaire was only an infant, and like many infants,she spoke
mostly in words that were tricky tounderstand. By "Toi!" she probably meant "Ihave never eaten a
peppermint because I suspect that I, like my siblings, am allergic to them,"but it was hard to tell. She may
also have meant"I wish I could bite a peppermint, because I liketo bite things with my four sharp teeth,
but Idon't want to risk an allergic reaction."

 "You can eat them on your cab ride to Mrs.Anwhistle's house," Mr. Poe said, coughing intohis white
handkerchief. Mr. Poe always seemedto have a cold and the Baudelaire orphans were accustomed to
receiving information from himbetween bouts of hacking and wheezing. "Sheapologizes for not meeting
you at the dock, butshe says she's frightened of it."

 "Why would she be frightened of a dock?"Klaus asked, looking around at the wooden piersand
sailboats.

 "She's frightened of anything to do with LakeLachrymose," Mr. Poe said, "but she didn't saywhy.
Perhaps it has to do with her husband'sdeath. Your Aunt Josephine-she's not reallyyour aunt, of course;
she's your second cousin'ssister-in-law, but asked that you call her AuntJosephine-your Aunt Josephine
lost her husband recently, and it may be possible that hedrowned or died in a boat accident. It didn'tseem
polite to ask how she became a dowager.Well, let's put you in a taxi."

"What does that word mean?" Violet asked.

 Mr. Poe looked at Violet and raised his eyebrows. "I'm surprised at you, Violet," he said."A girl of your
age should know that a taxi is acar which will drive you someplace for a fee.Now, let's gather your
luggage and walk to thecurb."

"'Dowager,'" Klaus whispered to Violet, "isa fancy word for 'widow.'"

 "Thank you," she whispered back, pickingup her suitcase in one hand and Sunny in theother. Mr. Poe
was waving his handkerchief inthe air to signal a taxi to stop, and in no time atall the cabdriver piled all of
the Baudelaire suitcases into the trunk and Mr. Poe piled theBaudelaire children into the back seat.

 "I will say good-bye to you here," Mr. Poesaid. "The banking day has already begun,and I'm afraid if I
go with you out to AuntJosephine's I will never get anything done.Please give her my best wishes, and tell
her thatI will keep in touch regularly." Mr. Poe pausedfor a moment to cough into his handkerchiefbefore
continuing. "Now, your Aunt Josephine is a bit nervous about having three children inher house, but I
assured her that you three werevery well behaved. Make sure you mind yourmanners, and, as always,
you can call or fax meat the bank if there's any sort of problem.Although I don't imagine anything will go
wrongthis time."
 When Mr. Poe said"this time," he looked atthe children meaningfully as if it were their faultthat poor
Uncle Monty was dead. But theBaudelaires were too nervous about meetingtheir new caretaker to say
anything more toMr. Poe except "So long."

"So long," Violet said, putting the bag ofpeppermints in her pocket.

"So long," Klaus said, taking one last look atDamocles Dock.

"Frul!" Sunny shrieked, chewing on her seat belt buckle.

"So long," Mr. Poe replied, "and good luckto you. I will think of the Baudelaires as oftenas I can."

 Mr. Poe gave some money to the taxi driverand waved good-bye to the three children as thecab pulled
away from the dock and onto a gray,cobblestoned street. There was a small grocerystore with barrels of
limes and beets out front.There was a clothing store called Look! It Fits!,which appeared to be
undergoing renovations.There was a terrible-looking restaurant calledthe Anxious Clown, with neon lights
and balloons in the window. But mostly, there were many stores and shops that were all closed up,with
boards or metal gratings over the windowsand doors.

 "The town doesn't seem very crowded,"Klaus remarked. "I was hoping we might makesome new
friends here."

 "It's the off-season," the cabdriver said. Hewas a skinny man with a skinny cigarette hanging out of his
mouth, and as he talked to thechildren he looked at them through the rear-view mirror. "The town of
Lake Lachrymose isa resort, and when the nice weather comes it'sas crowded as can be. But around
now, thingshere are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning. To make new friends, you'll have to wait
until the weather gets a little better. Speakingof which, Hurricane Herman is expected toarrive in town in
a week or so. You better makesure you have enough food up there in thehouse."

"A hurricane on a lake?" Klaus asked. "Ithought hurricanes only occurred near theocean."

 "A body of water as big as Lake Lachrymose,"the driver said, "can have anything occur on it.To tell you
the truth, I'd be a little nervousabout living on top of this hill. Once the stormhits, it'll be very difficult to
drive all the waydown into town."

 Violet, Klaus, and Sunny looked out thewindow and saw what the driver meant by "allthe way down."
The taxi had turned one lastcorner and arrived at the scraggly top of a tall,tall hill, and the children could
see the townfar, far below them, the cobblestone road curling around the buildings like a tiny gray snake,
and the small square of Damocles Dock with specks of people bustling around it. And out beyond the
dock was the inky blob of LakeLachrymose, huge and dark as if a monster werestanding over the three
orphans, casting a giantshadow below them. For a few moments thechildren stared into the lake as if
hypnotized bythis enormous stain on the landscape.

 "The lake is so enormous," Klaus said, "andit looks so deep. I can almost understand whyAunt
Josephine is afraid of it."

"The lady who lives up here," the cabdriverasked, "is afraid of the lake?"

"That's what we've been told," Violet said.
The cabdriver shook his head and broughtthe cab to a halt. "I don't know how she canstand it, then."

"What do you mean?" Violet asked."You mean you've never been to this house?" he asked.

"No, never," Klaus replied. "We've nevereven met our Aunt Josephine before."

 "Well, if your Aunt Josephine is afraid of thewater," the cabdriver said, "I can't believe shelives here in
this house."

 "What are you talking about?" Klaus asked."Well, take a look," the driver answered, andgot out of the
cab.

 The Baudelaires took a look. At first, thethree youngsters saw only a small boxy squarewith a peeling
white door, and it looked as if thehouse was scarcely bigger than the taxi whichhad taken them to it. But
as they piled out ofthe car and drew closer, they saw that this smallsquare was the only part of the house
that wason top of the hill. The rest of it-a large pile ofboxy squares, all stuck together like ice cubes-hung
over the side, attached to the hill by longmetal stilts that looked like spider legs. As the three orphans
peered down at their new home,it seemed as if the entire house were holding on to the hill for dear life.

The taxi driver took their suitcases out of thetrunk, set them in front of the peeling whitedoor, and drove
down the hill with atoot! of hishorn for a good-bye. There was a soft squeakas the peeling white door
opened, and frombehind the door appeared a pale woman withher white hair piled high on top of her
head ina bun.

"Hello," she said, smiling thinly. "I'm yourAunt Josephine."

 "Hello," Violet said, cautiously, and steppedforward to meet her new guardian. Klausstepped forward
behind her, and Sunny crawledforward behind him, but all three Baudelaireswere walking carefully, as if
their weight wouldsend the house toppling down from its perch.

 The orphans couldn't help wondering how awoman who was so afraid of Lake Lachrymosecould live in
a house that felt like it was aboutto fall into its depths.




                                                 CHAPTER

                                                     Two



"This is the radiator," AuntJosephine said, pointing to a radiator with a pale and skinny finger. "Please
don't ever touch it. You may find yourself very cold here in my home. I neverturn on the radiator,
because I am frightened that it might explode, so it often gets chilly in the evenings."

 Violet and Klaus looked at oneanother briefly, and Sunny looked atboth of them. Aunt Josephine was
giving them a tour of their new homeand so far appeared to be afraid ofeverything in it, from the welcome
mat-which,Aunt Josephine explained, could cause someone to trip and break their neck-to the sofa inthe
living room, which she said could fall over at any time and crush them flat.
 "This is the telephone," Aunt Josephine said,gesturing to the telephone. "It should only beused in
emergencies, because there is a dangerof electrocution."

"Actually," Klaus said, "I've read quite a bitabout electricity. I'm pretty sure that the telephone is
perfectly safe."

Aunt Josephine's hands fluttered to her white hair as if something had jumped onto her head."You can't
believe everything you read," shepointed out.

"I've built a telephone from scratch," Violetsaid. "If you'd like, I could take the telephoneapart and show
you how it works. That might make you feel better."

"I don't think so," Aunt Josephine said,frowning.

 "Delmo!" Sunny offered, which probablymeant something along the lines of "If youwish, I will bite the
telephone to show you thatit's harmless."

 "Delmo?" Aunt Josephine asked, bendingover to pick up a piece of lint from the fadedflowery carpet.
"What do you mean by 'delmo'?I consider myself an expert on the English language, and I have no idea
what the word 'delmo'means. Is she speaking some other language?"

"Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet, I'mafraid," Klaus said, picking his little sister up."Just baby talk,
mostly."

"Grun!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like "I object to your calling it baby talk!"

"Well, I will have to teach her properEnglish," Aunt Josephine said stiffly. "I'm sureyou all need some
brushing up on your grammar, actually. Grammar is the greatest joy in life,don't you find?"

 The three siblings looked at one another.Violet was more likely to say that inventingthings was the
greatest joy in life, Klaus thoughtreading was, and Sunny of course took nogreater pleasure than in biting
things. TheBaudelaires thought of grammar-all those rulesabout how to write and speak the English lan
guage-the way they thought of banana bread:fine, but nothing to make a fuss about. Still, itseemed rude
to contradict Aunt Josephine.

"Yes," Violet said finally. "We've always lovedgrammar."

 Aunt Josephine nodded, and gave the Baudelaires a small smile. "Well, I'll show you to yourroom and
continue the rest of the tour afterdinner. When you open this door, just push onthe wood here. Never use
the doorknob. I'malways afraid that it will shatter into a million pieces and that one of them will hit my
eye."

 The Baudelaires were beginning to think thatthey would not be allowed to touch a singleobject in the
whole house, but they smiledat Aunt Josephine, pushed on the wood, andopened the door to reveal a
large, well-lit roomwith blank white walls and a plain blue carpet on the floor. Inside were two
good-sized beds and one good-sized crib, obviously for Sunny,each covered in a plain blue bedspread,
andat the foot of each bed was a large trunk, for storing things. At the other end of the room wasa large
closet for everyone's clothes, a smallwindow for looking out, and a medium-sizedpile of tin cans for no
apparent purpose.
 "I'm sorry that all three of you have to share a room," Aunt Josephine said, "but this houseisn't very big. I
tried to provide you with everything you would need, and I do hope you willbe comfortable."

 "I'm sure we will," Violet said, carrying hersuitcase into the room. "Thank you very much,Aunt
Josephine."

"In each of your trunks," Aunt Josephinesaid, "there is a present."

Presents? The Baudelaires had not receivedpresents for a long, long time. Smiling, AuntJosephine
walked to the first trunk and openedit. "For Violet," she said, "there is a lovely newdoll with plenty of
outfits for it to wear." Aunt Josephine reached inside and pulled out a plastic doll with a tiny mouth and
wide, staringeyes. "Isn't she adorable? Her name is PrettyPenny."

 "Oh, thank you," said Violet, who at fourteen was too old for dolls and had never particularly liked dolls
anyway. Forcing a smile on her face, she took Pretty Penny from Aunt Josephine andpatted it on its little
plastic head.

"And for Klaus," Aunt Josephine said, "thereis a model train set." She opened the secondtrunk and
pulled out a tiny train car. "You canset up the tracks in that empty corner of theroom."

 "What fun," said Klaus, trying to look excited.Klaus had never liked model trains, as they werea lot of
work to put together and when you weredone all you had was something that wentaround and around in
endless circles.

 "And for little Sunny," Aunt Josephine said,reaching into the smallest trunk, which sat atthe foot of the
crib, "here is a rattle. See, Sunny,it makes a little noise."

 Sunny smiled at Aunt Josephine, showing allfour of her sharp teeth, but her older siblingsknew that
Sunny despised rattles and the irritating sounds they made when you shook them.Sunny had been given a
rattle when she wasvery small, and it was the only thing she was notsorry to lose in the enormous fire that
haddestroyed the Baudelaire home.

"It is so generous of you," Violet said, "to giveus all of these things." She was too polite to addthat they
weren't things they particularly liked.

"Well, I am very happy to have you here,"Aunt Josephine said. "I love grammar so much. I'm excited to
be able to share my love of grammar with three nice children like yourselves.Well, I'll give you a few
minutes to settle in andthen we'll have some dinner. See you soon."

"Aunt Josephine," Klaus asked, "what arethese cans for?"

 "Those cans? For burglars, naturally," AuntJosephine said, patting the bun of hair on top ofher head.
"You must be as frightened of burglarsas I am. So every night, simply place these tincans right by the
door, so that when burglarscome in, they'll trip over the cans and you'llwake up."

"But what will we do then, when we're awakein a room with an angry burglar?" Violet asked."I would
prefer to sleep through a burglary."

 Aunt Josephine's eyes grew wide with fear."Angry burglars?" she repeated."Angry burglars?Why are
you talking aboutangry burglars? Areyou trying to make us all even more frightenedthan we already
are?"
 "Of course not," Violet stuttered, not pointing out that Aunt Josephine was the one whohad brought up
the subject. "I'm sorry. I didn'tmean to frighten you."

"Well, we'll say no more about it," AuntJosephine said, looking nervously at the tin cans as if a burglar
were tripping on them at that veryminute. "I'll see you at the dinner table in a few minutes."

Their new guardian shut the door, and theBaudelaire orphans listened to her footstepspadding down the
hallway before they spoke.

 "Sunny can have Pretty Penny," Violet said,handing the doll to her sister. "The plastic ishard enough for
chewing, I think."

 "And you can have the model trains, Violet,"Klaus said. "Maybe you can take apart theengines and
invent something."

"But that leaves you with a rattle," Violetsaid. "That doesn't seem fair."

 "Schu!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant something along the lines of "It's been along time since
anything in our lives has feltfair."

 The Baudelaires looked at one another withbitter smiles. Sunny was right. It wasn't fair thattheir parents
had been taken away from them. It wasn't fair that the evil and revolting CountOlaf was pursuing them
wherever they went,caring for nothing but their fortune. It wasn'tfair that they moved from relative to
relative,with terrible things happening at each of theirnew homes, as if the Baudelaires were riding on
some horrible bus that stopped only at stationsof unfairness and misery. And, of course, it certainly
wasn't fair that Klaus only had a rattle toplay with in his new home.

 "Aunt Josephine obviously worked very hardto prepare this room for us," Violet said sadly."She seems
to be a good-hearted person. Weshouldn't complain, even to ourselves."

 "You're right," Klaus said, picking up his rattle and giving it a halfhearted little shake."We shouldn't
complain."

 "Twee!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant something like "Both of you are right.We shouldn't
complain."

 Klaus walked over to the window and lookedout at the darkening landscape. The sun wasbeginning to
set over the inky depths of LakeLachrymose, and a cold evening wind wasbeginning to blow. Even from
the other side ofthe glass Klaus could feel a small chill. "I wantto complain, anyway," he said.

"Soup's on!" Aunt Josephine called from thekitchen. "Please come to dinner!"

 Violet put her hand on Klaus's shoulder andgave it a little squeeze of comfort, and withoutanother word
the three Baudelaires headedback down the hallway and into the diningroom. Aunt Josephine had set the
table for four,providing a large cushion for Sunny and anotherpile of tin cans in the corner of the room,
just incase burglars tried to steal their dinner.

"Normally, of course," Aunt Josephine said,"'soup's on' is an idiomatic expression that hasnothing to do
with soup. It simply means thatdinner is ready. In this case, however, I've actually made soup."
"Oh good," Violet said. "There's nothing likehot soup on a chilly evening."

 "Actually, it's not hot soup," Aunt Josephinesaid. "I never cook anything hot because I'mafraid of turning
the stove on. It might burst intoflames. I've made chilled cucumber soup fordinner."

 The Baudelaires looked at one another and tried to hide their dismay. As you probablyknow, chilled
cucumber soup is a delicacy thatis best enjoyed on a very hot day. I myself onceenjoyed it in Egypt while
visiting a friend ofmine who works as a snake charmer. When it is well prepared, chilled cucumber soup
has adelicious, minty taste, cool and refreshing as ifyou are drinking something as well as eatingit. But on
a cold day, in a drafty room, chilledcucumber soup is about as welcome as a swarmof wasps at a bat
mitzvah. In dead silence, thethree children sat down at the table with theirAunt Josephine and did their
best to force down the cold, slimy concoction. The only sound wasof Sunny's four teeth chattering on her
soupspoon as she ate her frigid dinner. As I'm sureyou know, when no one is speaking at thedinner table,
the meal seems to take hours,so it felt like much, much later when AuntJosephine broke the silence.

"My dear husband and I never had children,"she said, "because we were afraid to. But I dowant you to
know that I'm very happy thatyou're here. I am often very lonely up on thishill by myself, and when Mr.
Poe wrote to meabout your troubles I didn't want you to be aslonely as I was when I lost my dear Ike."

"Was Ike your husband?" Violet asked.

 Aunt Josephine smiled, but she didn't look atViolet, as if she were talking more to herselfthan to the
Baudelaires. "Yes," she said, in a faraway voice, "he was my husband, but he wasmuch more than that.
He was my best friend,my partner in grammar, and the only person Iknew who could whistle with
crackers in hismouth."

"Our mother could do that," Klaus said, smiling. "Her specialty was Mozart's fourteenthsymphony."

"Ike's was Beethoven's fourth quartet," AuntJosephine replied. "Apparently it's a familycharacteristic."

"I'm sorry we never got to meet him," Violetsaid. "He sounds wonderful."

 "Hewas wonderful," Aunt Josephine said,stirring her soup and blowing on it even thoughit was ice cold.
"I was so sad when he died. Ifelt like I'd lost the two most special things inmy life."

"Two?" Violet asked. "What do you mean?"

 "I lost Ike," Aunt Josephine said, "and I lostLake Lachrymose. I mean, I didn't really loseit, of course.
It's still down in the valley. ButI grew up on its shores. I used to swim in it every day. I knew which
beaches were sandyand which were rocky. I knew all the islands in the middle of its waters and all the
caves alongside its shore. Lake Lachrymose felt like afriend to me. But when it took poor Ike awayfrom
me I was too afraid to go near it anymore.I stopped swimming in it. I never went to thebeach again. I
even put away all my books aboutit. The only way I can bear to look at it is fromthe Wide Window in
the library."

"Library?" Klaus asked, brightening. "Youhave a library?"

 "Of course," Aunt Josephine said. "Whereelse could I keep all my books on grammar? Ifyou've all
finished with your soup, I'll show youthe library."

"I couldn't eat another bite," Violet saidtruthfully.
"Irm!" Sunny shrieked in agreement.

 "No, no, Sunny," Aunt Josephine said. "'Irm'is not grammatically correct. You mean to say, 'Ihave also
finished my supper.'"

"Irm," Sunny insisted.

 "My goodness, you do need grammar lessons," Aunt Josephine said. "All the more reasonto go to the
library. Come, children."

 Leaving behind their half-full soup bowls, the Baudelaires followed Aunt Josephine down thehallway,
taking care not to touch any of the doorknobs they passed. At the end of the hallway,

 Aunt Josephine stopped and opened an ordinary-looking door, but when the children steppedthrough
the door they arrived in a room that wasanything but ordinary.

The library was neither square nor rectangular, like most rooms, but curved in the shape ofan oval. One
wall of the oval was devoted tobooks-rows and rows and rows of them, andevery single one of them
was about grammar.There was an encyclopedia of nouns placed ina series of simple wooden
bookshelves, curved to fit the wall. There were very thick books onthe history of verbs, lined up in metal
bookshelves that were polished to a bright shine.And there were cabinets made of glass, withadjective
manuals placed inside them as if theywere for sale in a store instead of in someone'shouse. In the middle
of the room were somecomfortable-looking chairs, each with its ownfootstool so one could stretch out
one's legswhile reading.

 But it was the other wall of the oval, at thefar end of the room, that drew the children'sattention. From
floor to ceiling, the wall wasa window, just one enormous curved pane ofglass, and beyond the glass was
a spectacularview of Lake Lachrymose. When the childrenstepped forward to take a closer look, they
felt as if they were flying high above the dark lakeinstead of merely looking out on it.

 "This is the only way I can stand to lookat the lake," Aunt Josephine said in a quietvoice. "From far
away. If I get much closer I remember my last picnic on the beach with my darling Ike. I warned him to
wait an hour after eating before he went into the lake, but he onlywaited forty-five minutes. He thought
that was enough."

"Did he get cramps?" Klaus asked. "That'swhat's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before
you swim."

 "That's one reason," Aunt Josephine said,"but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another one.If you don't wait
an hour after eating, theLachrymose Leeches will smell food on you,and attack."

"Leeches?" Violet asked.

"Leeches," Klaus explained, "are a bit likeworms. They are blind and live in bodies of water, and in
order to feed, they attach themselves to you and suck your blood."

Violet shuddered. "How horrible."

"Swoh!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant something along the lines of "Why in theworld would you
go swimming in a lake full ofleeches?"
 "The Lachrymose Leeches," Aunt Josephinesaid, "are quite different from regular leeches.They each
have six rows of very sharp teeth,and one very sharp nose-they can smell eventhe smallest bit of food
from far, far away. TheLachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, preying only on small fish. But if
they smellfood on a human they will swarm around him and-and . . ." Tears came to Aunt Josephine's
eyes, and she took out a pale pink handkerchiefand dabbed them away. "I apologize, children.It is not
grammatically correct to end a sentencewith the word 'and', but I get so upset when Ithink about Ike that
I cannot talk about hisdeath."

"We're sorry we brought it up," Klaus said quickly. "We didn't mean to upset you."

 "That's all right," Aunt Josephine said, blowing her nose. "It's just that I prefer to think of Ike in other
ways. Ike always loved the sunshine, and I like to imagine that wherever he is now, it's as sunny as can
be. Of course, nobodyknows what happens to you after you die, butit's nice to think of my husband
someplace very,very hot, don't you think?"

 "Yes I do," Violet said. "It is very nice." Sheswallowed. She wanted to say something else to Aunt
Josephine, but when you have onlyknown someone for a few hours it is difficultto know what they would
like to hear. "AuntJosephine," she said timidly, "have you thoughtof moving someplace else? Perhaps if
you livedsomewhere far from Lake Lachrymose, youmight feel better."

"We'd go with you," Klaus piped up.

"Oh, I could never sell this house," AuntJosephine said. "I'm terrified of realtors."

The three Baudelaire youngsters looked atone another surreptitiously, a word which heremeans "while
Aunt Josephine wasn't looking."None of them had ever heard of a person whowas frightened of realtors.

 There are two kinds of fears: rational andirrational-or, in simpler terms, fears that makesense and fears
that don't. For instance, theBaudelaire orphans have a fear of Count Olaf,which makes perfect sense,
because he is anevil man who wants to destroy them. But if theywere afraid of lemon meringue pie, this
wouldbe an irrational fear, because lemon meringuepie is delicious and has never hurt a soul. Beingafraid
of a monster under the bed is perfectlyrational, because there may in fact be a monsterunder your bed at
any time, ready to eat you allup, but a fear of realtors is an irrational fear.Realtors, as I'm sure you know,
are people whoassist in the buying and selling of houses.Besides occasionally wearing an ugly yellowcoat,
the worst a realtor can do to you is showyou a house that you find ugly, and so it is completely irrational
to be terrified of them.

 As Violet, Klaus, and Sunny looked down at the dark lake and thought about their new liveswith Aunt
Josephine, they experienced a fear themselves, and even a worldwide expert onfear would have difficulty
saying whether this was a rational fear or an irrational fear. TheBaudelaires' fear was that misfortune
wouldsoon befall them. On one hand, this was an irrational fear, because Aunt Josephine seemed likea
good person, and Count Olaf was nowhere to be seen. But on the other hand, the Baudelaires had
experienced so many terrible things that itseemed rational to think that another catastrophe was just
around the corner.




                                                 CHAPTER
                                                   Three



 Thereis a way of looking at life called "keeping things in perspective." This simply means"making yourself
feel better by comparing thethings that are happening to you right nowagainst other things that have
happened ata different time, or to different people." Forinstance, if you were upset about an ugly pimple
on the end of your nose, you might try to feelbetter by keeping your pimple in perspective.You might
compare your pimple situation to thatof someone who was being eaten by a bear, andwhen you looked
in the mirror at your uglypimple, you could say to yourself, "Well, at leastI'm not being eaten by a bear."

 You can see at once why keeping things inperspective rarely works very well, because itis hard to
concentrate on somebody else beingeaten by a bear when you are staring at your ownugly pimple. So it
was with the Baudelaireorphans in the days that followed. In the morning, when the children joined Aunt
Josephinefor a breakfast of orange juice and untoastedbread, Violet thought to herself, "Well, at least
we're not being forced to cook for Count Olaf'sdisgusting theater troupe." In the afternoon,when Aunt
Josephine would take them to thelibrary and teach them all about grammar, Klausthought to himself,
"Well, at least Count Olaf isn't about to whisk us away to Peru." And inthe evening, when the children
joined AuntJosephine for a dinner of orange juice anduntoasted bread, Sunny thought to herself,"Zax!"
which meant something along the linesof "Well, at least there isn't a sign of Count Olafanywhere."

 But no matter how much the three siblingscompared their life with Aunt Josephine to themiserable things
that had happened to them before, they couldn't help but be dissatisfiedwith their circumstances. In her
free time,Violet would dismantle the gears and switchesfrom the model train set, hoping to invent some
thing that could prepare hot food without frightening Aunt Josephine, but she couldn't helpwishing that
Aunt Josephine would simply turnon the stove. Klaus would sit in one of the chairsin the library with his
feet on a footstool, reading about grammar until the sun went down, butwhen he looked out at the
gloomy lake hecouldn't help wishing that they were still living with Uncle Monty and all of his reptiles.
AndSunny would take time out from her scheduleand bite the head of Pretty Penny, but shecouldn't help
wishing that their parents werestill alive and that she and her siblings were safeand sound in the
Baudelaire home.

 Aunt Josephine did not like to leave thehouse very much, because there were so manythings outside that
frightened her, but one daythe children told her what the cabdriver had saidabout Hurricane Herman
approaching, and sheagreed to take them into town in order to buygroceries. Aunt Josephine was afraid
to drive inautomobiles, because the doors might get stuck,leaving her trapped inside, so they walkedthe
long way down the hill. By the time theBaudelaires reached the market their legs weresore from the walk.

 "Are you sure that you won't let us cook foryou?" Violet asked, as Aunt Josephine reachedinto the
barrel of limes. "When we lived withCount Olaf, we learned how to make puttanescasauce. It was quite
easy and perfectly safe."

 Aunt Josephine shook her head. "It is myresponsibility as your caretaker to cook for you,and I am eager
to try this recipe for cold limestew. Count Olaf certainly does sound evil.Imagine forcing children to stand
near a stove!"

"He was very cruel to us," Klaus agreed, notadding that being forced to cook had been the least of their
problems when they lived withCount Olaf. "Sometimes I still have nightmaresabout the terrible tattoo on
his ankle. It alwaysscared me."
 Aunt Josephine frowned, and patted her bun."I'm afraid you made a grammatical mistake,Klaus," she
said sternly. "When you said, 'Italways scared me,' you sounded as if you meantthat his ankle always
scared you, but you meanthis tattoo. So you should have said, 'The tattoo always scared me.' Do you
understand?"

"Yes, I understand," Klaus said, sighing."Thank you for pointing that out, AuntJosephine."

"Niku!" Sunny shrieked, which probably meant something like "It wasn't very nice topoint out Klaus's
grammatical mistake whenhe was talking about something that upset him."

 "No, no, Sunny," Aunt Josephine said firmly,looking up from her shopping list. "'Niku' isn't a word.
Remember what we said about usingcorrect English. Now, Violet, would you pleaseget some
cucumbers? I thought I would make chilled cucumber soup again sometime nextweek."

 Violet groaned inwardly, a phrase which heremeans "said nothing but felt disappointed at theprospect of
another chilly dinner," but shesmiled at Aunt Josephine and headed down anaisle of the market in search
of cucumbers. She looked wistfully at all the delicious food on theshelves that required turning on the
stove inorder to prepare it. Violet hoped that someday she could cook a nice hot meal for AuntJosephine
and her siblings using the inventionshe was working on with the model train engine. For a few moments
she was so lost in her inventing thoughts that she didn't look where she wasgoing until she walked right
into someone.

 "Excuse m-" Violet started to say, but whenshe looked up she couldn't finish her sentence. There stood a
tall, thin man with a blue sailorhat on his head and a black eye patch coveringhis left eye. He was smiling
eagerly down ather as if she were a brightly wrapped birthdaypresent that he couldn't wait to rip open.
Hisfingers were long and bony, and he was leaning awkwardly to one side, a bit like AuntJosephine's
house dangling over the hill. WhenViolet looked down, she saw why: There was athick stump of wood
where his left leg shouldhave been, and like most people with peg legs,this man was leaning on his good
leg, which caused him to tilt. But even though Violet hadnever seen anyone with a peg leg before, thiswas
not why she couldn't finish her sentence.The reason why had to do with somethingshehad seen
before-the bright, bright shine inthe man's one eye, and above it, just one longeyebrow.

 When someone is in disguise, and the disguise is not very good, one can describe it as atransparent
disguise. This does not mean thatthe person is wearing plastic wrap or glass oranything else transparent.
It merely means thatpeople can see through his disguise-that is, thedisguise doesn't fool them for a minute.
Violetwasn't fooled for even a second as she stood staring at the man she'd walked into. She knew at
once it was Count Olaf.

 "Violet, what are you doing in this aisle?"Aunt Josephine said, walking up behind her."This aisle contains
food that needs to beheated, and you know-" When she saw CountOlaf she stopped speaking, and for a
secondViolet thought that Aunt Josephine had recognized him, too. But then Aunt Josephine smiled,and
Violet's hopes were dashed, a word whichhere means "shattered."

"Hello," Count Olaf said, smiling at Aunt Josephine. "I was just apologizing for runninginto your sister
here."

Aunt Josephine's face grew bright red, seeming even brighter under her white hair. "Oh,no," she said, as
Klaus and Sunny came downthe aisle to see what all the fuss was about."Violet is not my sister, sir. I am
her legalguardian."

Count Olaf clapped one hand to his face asif Aunt Josephine had just told him she wasthe tooth fairy. "I
cannot believe it," he said."Madam, you don't look nearly old enough tobe anyone's guardian."

 Aunt Josephine blushed again. "Well, sir, Ihave lived by the lake my whole life, and somepeople have
told me that it keeps me lookingyouthful."

"I would be happy to have the acquaintanceof a local personage," Count Olaf said, tippinghis blue sailor
hat and using a silly word whichhere means "person." "I am new to this town,and beginning a new
business, so I am eager tomake new acquaintances. Allow me to introducemyself."

 "Klaus and I are happy to introduce you,"Violet said, with more bravery than I would havehad when
faced with meeting Count Olaf again."Aunt Josephine, this is Count-"

"No, no, Violet," Aunt Josephine interrupted."Watch your grammar. You should have said'Klaus and I
will be happy to introduce you,'because you haven't introduced us yet."

"But-" Violet started to say.

"Now, Veronica," Count Olaf said, his one eye shining brightly as he looked down at her. "Your
guardian is right. And before you make any othermistakes, allow me to introduce myself. Myname is
Captain Sham, and I have a new business renting sailboats out on Damocles Dock. Iam happy to make
your acquaintance, Miss-?"

"I am Josephine Anwhistle," Aunt Josephinesaid. "And these are Violet, Klaus, and littleSunny
Baudelaire."

"Little Sunny," Captain Sham repeated,sounding as if he were eating Sunny rather thangreeting her. "It's
a pleasure to meet all of you.Perhaps someday I can take you out on the lakefor a little boat ride."

"Ging!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant something like "I would rather eat dirt."

"We're not going anywhere with you," Klaussaid.

 Aunt Josephine blushed again, and lookedsharply at the three children. "The childrenseem to have
forgotten their manners as well astheir grammar," she said. "Please apologize toCaptain Sham at once."

"He's not Captain Sham," Violet said impatiently. "He's Count Olaf."

 Aunt Josephine gasped, and looked from theanxious faces of the Baudelaires to the calm faceof Captain
Sham. He had a grin on his face, buthis smile had slipped a notch, a phrase whichhere means "grown less
confident as he waited to see if Aunt Josephine realized he was reallyCount Olaf in disguise."

 Aunt Josephine looked him over from head to toe, and then frowned. "Mr. Poe told me tobe on the
watch for Count Olaf," she saidfinally, "but he did also say that you childrentended to see him
everywhere."

"We see him everywhere," Klaus said tiredly,"because heis everywhere."

"Who is this Count Omar person?" CaptainSham asked.

"CountOlaf" Aunt Josephine said, "is a terrible man who-"
 "-is standing right in front of us," Violetfinished. "I don't care what he calls himself.He has the same shiny
eyes, the same singleeyebrow-"

"But plenty of people have those characteristics," Aunt Josephine said. "Why, my mother-in-law had not
only one eyebrow, but also only one ear."

"The tattoo!" Klaus said. "Look for thetattoo! Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle."

 Captain Sham sighed, and, with difficulty,lifted his peg leg so everyone could get a clear look at it. It was
made of dark wood that waspolished to shine as brightly as his eye, andattached to his left knee with a
curved metalhinge. "But I don't even have a left ankle," hesaid, in a whiny voice. "It was all chewed away
by the Lachrymose Leeches."

 Aunt Josephine's eyes welled up, and sheplaced a hand on Captain Sham's shoulder. "Oh,you poor
man," she said, and the children knewat once that they were doomed. "Did you hearwhat Captain Sham
said?" she asked them.

 Violet tried one more time, knowing it wouldprobably be futile, a word which here means"filled with
futility." "He's not Captain Sham,"she said. "He's-"

 "You don't think he would allow the Lachrymose Leeches to chew off his leg," AuntJosephine said, "just
to play a prank on you? Tellus, Captain Sham. Tell us how it happened."

"Well, I was sitting on my boat, just a fewweeks ago," Captain Sham said. "I was eatingsome pasta with
puttanesca sauce, and I spilledsome on my leg. Before I knew it, the leecheswere attacking."

 "That's just how it happened with myhusband," Aunt Josephine said, biting her lip.The Baudelaires, all
three of them, clenchedtheir fists in frustration. They knew thatCaptain Sham's story about the puttanesca
sauce was as phony as his name, but theycouldn't prove it.

"Here," Captain Sham said, pulling a small card out of his pocket and handing it to AuntJosephine. "Take
my business card, and nexttime you're in town perhaps we could enjoy acup of tea."

"That sounds delightful," Aunt Josephinesaid, reading his card. '"Captain Sham's Sailboats.Every boat
has it's own sail.' Oh, Captain, youhave made a very serious grammatical errorhere."

"What?" Captain Sham said, raising hiseyebrow.

 "This card says 'it's,' with an apostrophe.I-T-apostrophe-S always means 'it is.' You don'tmean to say
'Every boat has it is own sail.' Youmean simply I-T-S, 'belonging to it.' It's a verycommon mistake,
Captain Sham, but a dreadfulone."

 Captain Sham's face darkened, and it lookedfor a minute like he was going to raise his pegleg again and
kick Aunt Josephine with all hismight. But then he smiled and his face cleared."Thank you for pointing
that out," he saidfinally.

"You're welcome," Aunt Josephine said."Come, children, it's time to pay for our groceries. I hope to see
you soon, Captain Sham."

 Captain Sham smiled and waved good-bye,but the Baudelaires watched as his smile turnedto a sneer as
soon as Aunt Josephine had turnedher back. He had fooled her, and there wasnothing the Baudelaires
could do about it. Theyspent the rest of the afternoon trudging backup the hill carrying their groceries, but
theheaviness of cucumbers and limes was nothingcompared to the heaviness in the orphans'hearts. All the
way up the hill, Aunt Josephinetalked about Captain Sham and what a niceman he was and how much
she hoped theywould see him again, while the children knewhe was really Count Olaf and a terrible man
andhoped they would never see him for the rest oftheir lives.

 There is an expression that, I am sad to say,is appropriate for this part of the story. Theexpression is
"falling for something hook, line,and sinker," and it comes from the world offishing. The hook, the line,
and the sinker areall parts of a fishing rod, and they work togetherto lure fish out of the ocean to their
doom. Ifsomebody is falling for something hook, line, and sinker, they are believing a bunch of liesand
may find themselves doomed as a result.Aunt Josephine was falling for Captain Sham'slies hook, line, and
sinker, but it was Violet,Klaus, and Sunny who were feeling doomed. Asthey walked up the hill in
silence, the childrenlooked down at Lake Lachrymose and felt thechill of doom fall over their hearts. It
made thethree siblings feel cold and lost, as if they werenot simply looking at the shadowy lake, but had
been dropped into the middle of its depths.




                                                CHAPTER

                                                    Four



 Thatnight, the Baudelaire children sat at thetable with Aunt Josephine and ate their dinnerwith a cold pit
in their stomachs. Half of the pitcame from the chilled lime stew that AuntJosephine had prepared. But
the other half-ifnot more than half-came from the knowledge that Count Olaf was in their lives once
again.

 "That Captain Sham is certainly a charming person,"Aunt Josephine said,putting a piece oflime rind in her
mouth. "He must be very lonely, moving to anew town and losing a leg. Maybe we couldhave him over
for dinner."

"We keep trying to tell you, Aunt Josephine,"Violet said, pushing the stew around on herplate so it
would look like she'd eaten more thanshe actually had. "He's not Captain Sham. He's Count Olaf in
disguise."

 "I've had enough of this nonsense," Aunt Josephine said. "Mr. Poe told me that CountOlaf had a tattoo
on his left ankle and one eyebrow over his eyes. Captain Sham doesn't havea left ankle and only has one
eye. I can't believeyou would dare to disagree with a man who haseye problems."

"I have eye problems," Klaus said, pointingto his glasses, "and you're disagreeing with me."

 "I will thank you not to be impertinent,"Aunt Josephine said, using a word which heremeans "pointing out
that I'm wrong, whichannoys me." "It is very annoying. You will haveto accept, once and for all, that
Captain Sham is

 notCount Olaf." She reached into her pocketand pulled out the business card. "Look athis card. Does it
say Count Olaf? No. It saysCaptain Sham. The card does have a seriousgrammatical error on it, but it is
neverthelessproof that Captain Sham is who he says he is."

 Aunt Josephine put the business card downon the dinner table, and the Baudelaires lookedat it and
sighed. Business cards, of course, arenot proof of anything. Anyone can go to a printshop and have
cards made that say anythingthey like. The king of Denmark can order business cards that say he sells
golf balls. Your dentist can order business cards that say she is yourgrandmother. In order to escape
from the castleof an enemy of mine, I once had cards printedthat said I was an admiral in the French
navy.Just because something is typed-whether itis typed on a business card or typed in a newspaper or
book-this does not mean that it istrue. The three siblings were well aware ofthis simple fact but could not
find the words toconvince Aunt Josephine. So they merelylooked at Aunt Josephine, sighed, and silently
pretended to eat their stew.

 It was so quiet in the dining room that everyone jumped-Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and evenAunt
Josephine-when the telephone rang."My goodness!" Aunt Josephine said. "Whatshould we do?"

"Minka!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant something like "Answer it, of course!"

Aunt Josephine stood up from the table, butdidn't move even as the phone rang a secondtime. "It might
be important," she said, "but Idon't know if it's worth the risk of electrocution."

"If it makes you feel more comfortable,"Violet said, wiping her mouth with her napkin, "I will answer the
phone." Violet stood up and walked to the phone in time to answer it on thethird ring.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Is this Mrs. Anwhistle?" a wheezy voiceasked.

"No," Violet replied. "This is Violet Baudelaire. May I help you?"

"Put the old woman on the phone, orphan,"the voice said, and Violet froze, realizing it wasCaptain
Sham. Quickly, she stole a glance atAunt Josephine, who was now watching Violetnervously.

"I'm sorry," Violet said into the phone. "Youmust have the wrong number."

"Don't play with me, you wretched girl-"Captain Sham started to say, but Violet hung upthe phone, her
heart pounding, and turned toAunt Josephine.

"Someone was asking for the HopalongDancing School," she said, lying quickly. "I toldthem they had the
wrong number."

"What a brave girl you are," Aunt Josephinemurmured. "Picking up the phone like that."

"It's actually very safe," Violet said.

"Haven't you ever answered the phone, AuntJosephine?" Klaus asked.

 "Ike almost always answered it," AuntJosephine said, "and he used a special glove forsafety. But now
that I've seen you answer it,maybe I'll give it a try next time somebodycalls."

 The phone rang, and Aunt Josephine jumpedagain. "Goodness," she said, "I didn't think itwould ring
again so soon. What an adventurousevening!"
 Violet stared at the phone, knowing it wasCaptain Sham calling back. "Would you like meto answer it
again?" she asked.

 "No, no," Aunt Josephine said, walkingtoward the small ringing phone as if it were a big barking dog. "I
said I'd try it, and I will." She took a deep breath, reached out a nervoushand, and picked up the phone.

 "Hello?" she said. "Yes, this is she. Oh, hello,Captain Sham. How lovely to hear your voice."Aunt
Josephine listened for a moment, and then blushed bright red. "Well, that's very nice of you to say,
Captain Sham, but-what? Oh, all right.That's very nice of you to say,Julio. What?

What? Oh, what a lovely idea. But please hold on one moment."

Aunt Josephine held a hand over the receiverand faced the three children. "Violet, Klaus,Sunny, please
go to your room," she said."Captain Sham-I mean Julio, he asked meto call him by his first name-is
planning a surprise for you children, and he wants to discussit with me."

"We don't want a surprise," Klaus said.

 "Of course you do," Aunt Josephine said."Now run along so I can discuss it without your
eavesdropping."

"We're not eavesdropping," Violet said, "butI think it would be better if we stayed here."

"Perhaps you are confused about the meaning of the word 'eavesdropping,'" Aunt Josephinesaid. "It
means 'listening in.' If you stay here, you will be eavesdropping. Please go to yourroom."

 "Weknow what eavesdropping means,"Klaus said, but he followed his sisters down thehallway to their
room. Once inside, they lookedat one another in silent frustration. Violet putaside pieces of the toy
caboose that she hadplanned to examine that evening to make roomon her bed for the three of them to lie
besideone another and frown at the ceiling.

"I thought we'd be safe here," Violet saidglumly. "I thought that anybody who was frightened of realtors
would never be friendly toCount Olaf, no matter how he was disguised."

 "Do you think that he actually let leecheschew off his leg," Klaus wondered, shuddering,"just to hide his
tattoo?"

"Choin!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant "That seems a little drastic, even forCount Olaf."

 "I agree with Sunny," Violet said. "I think hetold that tale about leeches just to make AuntJosephine feel
sorry for him."

 "And it sure worked," Klaus said, sighing."After he told her that sob story, she fell for hisdisguise hook,
line, and sinker."

"At least she isn't as trusting as UncleMonty," Violet pointed out. "He let Count Olafmove right into the
house."

"At least then we could keep an eye on him,"Klaus replied.
"Ober!" Sunny remarked, which meant something along the lines of "Although we still didn't save Uncle
Monty."

 "What do you think he's up to this time?"Violet asked. "Maybe he plans to take us out inone of his boats
and drown us in the lake."

"Maybe he wants to push this whole houseoff the mountain," Klaus said, "and blame it onHurricane
Herman."

"Haftu!" Sunny said glumly, which probablymeant something like "Maybe he wants to putthe
Lachrymose Leeches in our beds."

"Maybe, maybe, maybe," Violet said. "All these maybes won't get us anywhere."

"We could call Mr. Poe and tell him Count

Olaf is here," Klaus said. "Maybe he could comeand fetch us."

 "That's the biggest maybe of them all," Violetsaid. "It's always impossible to convince Mr.Poe of
anything, and Aunt Josephine doesn'tbelieve us even though she saw Count Olaf withher own eyes."

"She doesn't even think she saw CountOlaf," Klaus agreed sadly. "She thinks she sawCaptain Sham."

Sunny nibbled halfheartedly on Pretty Penny'shead and muttered "Poch!" which probablymeant "You
mean Julio."

"Then I don't see what we can do," Klaussaid, "except keep our eyes and ears open."

"Doma," Sunny agreed.

"You're both right," Violet said. "We'll just have to keep a very careful watch."

 The Baudelaire orphans nodded solemnly,but the cold pit in their stomachs had not goneaway. They all
felt that keeping watch wasn'treally much of a plan for defending themselvesfrom Captain Sham, and as it
grew later andlater it worried them more and more. Violet tiedher hair up in a ribbon to keep it out of her
eyes,as if she were inventing something, but she thought and thought for hours and hours andwas unable
to invent another plan. Klaus staredat the ceiling with the utmost concentration, asif something very
interesting were written on it,but nothing helpful occurred to him as the hourgrew later and later. And
Sunny bit PrettyPenny's head over and over, but no matter how long she bit it she couldn't think of
anything to ease the Baudelaires' worries.

 I have a friend named Gina-Sue who is socialist, and Gina-Sue has a favorite saying: "Youcan't lock up
the barn after the horses are gone."It means simply that sometimes even the bestof plans will occur to you
when it is too late.This, I'm sorry to say, is the case with theBaudelaire orphans and their plan to keep a
close watch on Captain Sham, for after hoursand hours of worrying they heard an enormous crash of
shattering glass, and knew at once that keeping watch hadn't been a good enough plan.

"What was that noise?" Violet said, getting upoff the bed.

"It sounded like breaking glass," Klaus saidworriedly, walking toward the bedroom door.
"Vestu!" Sunny shrieked, but her siblings didnot have time to figure out what she meant asthey all hurried
down the hallway.

 "Aunt Josephine! Aunt Josephine!" Violetcalled, but there was no answer. She peered upand down the
hallway, but everything was quiet."Aunt Josephine!" she called again. Violet ledthe way as the three
orphans ran into the diningroom, but their guardian wasn't there either.The candles on the table were still
lit, casting aflickering glow on the business card and thebowls of cold lime stew.

 "Aunt Josephine!" Violet called again, andthe children ran back out to the hallway andtoward the door of
the library. As she ran, Violetcouldn't help but remember how she andher siblings had called Uncle
Monty's name,early one morning, just before discoveringthe tragedy that had befallen him. "Aunt
Josephine!" she called. "Aunt Josephine!" Shecouldn't help but remember all the times shehad woken up
in the middle of the night,calling out the names of her parents as shedreamed, as she so often did, of the
terrible fire that had claimed their lives. "Aunt Josephine!"she said, reaching the library door. Violet was
afraid that she was calling out Aunt Josephine'sname when her aunt could no longer hear it.

"Look," Klaus said, and pointed to the door.A piece of paper, folded in half, was attached tothe wood
with a thumbtack. Klaus pried thepaper loose and unfolded it.

"What is it?" Violet asked, and Sunny cranedher little neck to see.

"It's a note," Klaus said, and read it out loud:



Violet, Klaus, and Sunny-

 Bythe time you read this note, my life will be at it's end. My heart is as cold as ike and I findlife
inbearable. I know your children may notunderstand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have
leaded me to this desperate akt,but please know that I am much happier thisway. As my last will and
testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind andhonorable men. Please think of me
kindly even though I'd done this terrible thing.

                                                                                        -Your Aunt Josephine



 "Oh no," Klaus said quietly when he was finished reading. He turned the piece of paperover and over as
if he had read it incorrectly, as if it said something different. "Oh no," he said again, so faintly that it was
as if he didn'teven know he was speaking out loud.

 Without a word Violet opened the door to thelibrary, and the Baudelaires took a step insideand found
themselves shivering. The room wasfreezing cold, and after one glance the orphansknew why. The Wide
Window had shattered.Except for a few shards that still stuck to thewindow frame, the enormous pane of
glass wasgone, leaving a vacant hole that looked out into the still blackness of the night.

 The cold night air rushed through the hole,rattling the bookshelves and making the children shiver up
against one another, but despitethe cold the orphans walked carefully to theempty space where the
window had been, andlooked down. The night was so black that itseemed as if there was absolutely
nothingbeyond the window. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stood there for a moment and remembered thefear
they had felt, just a few days ago, when theywere standing in this very same spot. Theyknew now that
their fear had been rational.

 Huddling together, looking down into the blackness, the Baudelaires knew that their plan tokeep a
careful watch had come too late. Theyhad locked the barn door, but poor AuntJosephine was already
gone.




                                                 CHAPTER

                                                     Five



Violet, Klaus, and Sunny-

 By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end. My heart is as cold as ike and I find life
inbearable. I know yourchildren may notunderstand the sadlife of a dowadger, orwhat would have
leadedme to this desperate akt, butplease know that I am muchhappier this way. As my last will and
testament,I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, akind and honorable men. Please think of me
kindly even though I'd done this terrible thing.

                                                                                      -Your Aunt Josephine



"Stop it!"Violet cried. "Stop reading it outloud, Klaus! We already know what it says."

 "I just can't believe it," Klaus said, turningthe paper around for the umpteenth time. TheBaudelaire
orphans were sitting glumly aroundthe dining-room table with the cold lime stewin bowls and dread in
their hearts. Violet hadcalled Mr. Poe and told him what had happened, and the Baudelaires, too anxious
tosleep, had stayed up the whole night waiting forhim to arrive on the first Fickle Ferry of the day.The
candles were almost completely burneddown, and Klaus had to lean forward to readJosephine's note.
"There's something funnyabout this note, but I can't put my finger on it."

"How can you say such a thing?" Violetasked. "Aunt Josephine has thrown herself outof the window.
There's nothing funny about itat all."

 "Not funny as in a funny joke," Klaus said."Funny as in a funny smell. Why, in the very first sentence she
says 'my life will be at it'send.'"

"And now it is," Violet said, shuddering.

 "That's not what I mean," Klaus said impatiently. "She uses it's, I-T-apostrophe-S,which always means
'it is.' But you wouldn't say'my life will be at it is end.' She means I-T-S,'belonging to it.'" He picked up
Captain Sham's business card, which was still lying on the table."Remember when she saw this card?
'Everyboat has it's own sail.' She said it was a serious grammatical error."

"Who cares about grammatical errors," Violetasked, "when Aunt Josephine has jumped outthe
window?"

"But Aunt Josephine would have cared,"

 Klaus pointed out. "That's what she cared aboutmost: grammar. Remember, she said it was thegreatest
joy in life."

 "Well, it wasn't enough," Violet said sadly."No matter how much she liked grammar, itsays she found her
life unbearable."

"But that's another error in the note," Klaussaid. "It doesn't sayunbearable, with a U. It saysinbearable,
with an I."

"Youare being unbearable, with a U," Violetcried.

"Andyou are being stupid, with an S," Klaussnapped.

 "Aget!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "Please stop fighting!"Violet and Klaus
looked at their baby sister andthen at one another. Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want
to make otherpeople miserable, too. But it never helps.

"I'm sorry, Klaus," Violet said meekly. "You'renot unbearable. Our situation is unbearable."

 "I know," Klaus said miserably. "I'm sorry,too. You're not stupid, Violet. You're very clever.In fact, I
hope you're clever enough to get usout of this situation. Aunt Josephine has jumpedout the window and
left us in the care ofCaptain Sham, and I don't know what we cando about it."

"Well, Mr. Poe is on his way," Violet said. "Hesaid on the phone that he would be here firstthing in the
morning, so we don't have long towait. Maybe Mr. Poe can be of some help."

 "I guess so," Klaus said, but he and his sisters looked at one another and sighed. Theyknew that the
chances of Mr. Poe being of muchhelp were rather slim. When the Baudelaireslived with Count Olaf, Mr.
Poe was not helpfulwhen the children told him about Count Olaf'scruelty. When the Baudelaires lived
with UncleMonty, Mr. Poe was not helpful when the children told him about Count Olaf's treachery. It
seemed clear that Mr. Poe would not be of any help in this situation, either.

 One of the candles burned out in a smallpuff of smoke, and the children sank downlower in their chairs.
You probably know of aplant called the Venus flytrap, which growsin the tropics. The top of the plant is
shapedlike an open mouth, with toothlike spinesaround the edges. When a fly, attracted by thesmell of
the flower, lands on the Venus flytrap, the mouth of the plant begins to close, trappingthe fly. The terrified
fly buzzes around theclosed mouth of the plant, but there is nothingit can do, and the plant slowly, slowly,
dissolvesthe fly into nothing. As the darkness of thehouse closed in around them, the Baudelaire
youngsters felt like the fly in this situation. Itwas as if the disastrous fire that took the lives oftheir parents
had been the beginning of a trap,and they hadn't even known it. They buzzedfrom place to place-Count
Olaf's house in thecity, Uncle Monty's home in the country, andnow, Aunt Josephine's house overlooking
thelake-but their own misfortune always closedaround them, tighter and tighter, and it seemedto the three
siblings that before too long theywould dissolve away to nothing.

"We could rip up the note," Klaus said finally."Then Mr. Poe wouldn't know about Aunt Josephine's
wishes, and we wouldn't end upwith Captain Sham."
"But I already told Mr. Poe that AuntJosephine left a note," Violet said.

"Well, we could do a forgery," Klaus said,using a word which here means "write something yourself and
pretend somebody else wroteit." "We'll write everything she wrote, but we'llleave out the part about
Captain Sham."

 "Aha!" Sunny shrieked. This word was afavorite of Sunny's, and unlike most of herwords, it needed no
translation. What Sunnymeant was "Aha!", an expression of discovery.

"Of course!" Violet cried. "That's whatCaptain Sham did!He wrote this letter, not AuntJosephine!"

Behind his glasses, Klaus's eyes lit up. "That explainsit's!"

"That explainsinbearable!" Violet said.

 "Leep!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant "Captain Sham threw Aunt Josephineout the window and
then wrote this note to hide his crime."

 "What a terrible thing to do," Klaus said,shuddering as he thought of Aunt Josephinefalling into the lake
she feared so much.

"Imagine the terrible things he will do to us,"Violet said, "if we don't expose his crime. I can'twait until
Mr. Poe gets here so we can tell himwhat happened."

 With perfect timing, the doorbell rang, andthe Baudelaires hurried to answer it. Violet ledher siblings
down the hallway, looking wistfullyat the radiator as she remembered how afraid ofit Aunt Josephine
was. Klaus followed closelybehind, touching each doorknob gently inmemory of Aunt Josephine's
warnings aboutthem shattering into pieces. And when theyreached the door, Sunny looked mournfully at
the welcome mat that Aunt Josephine thoughtcould cause someone to break their neck. AuntJosephine
had been so careful to avoid anythingthat she thought might harm her, but harm hadstill come her way.

 Violet opened the peeling white door, andthere stood Mr. Poe in the gloomy light of dawn."Mr. Poe,"
Violet said. She intended to tell himimmediately of their forgery theory, but as soonas she saw him,
standing in the doorway with awhite handkerchief in one hand and a black briefcase in the other, her
words stuck in her throat. Tears are curious things, for like earthquakes or puppet shows they can occur
at anytime, without any warning and without anygood reason. "Mr. Poe," Violet said again, andwithout
any warning she and her siblings burstinto tears. Violet cried, her shoulders shakingwith sobs, and Klaus
cried, the tears making hisglasses slip down his nose, and Sunny cried, heropen mouth revealing her four
teeth. Mr. Poeput down his briefcase and put away his handkerchief. He was not very good at
comfortingpeople, but he put his arms around the childrenthe best he could, and murmured "There,there,"
which is a phrase some people murmur to comfort other people despite the fact that itdoesn't really mean
anything.

 Mr. Poe couldn't think of anything else tosay that might have comforted the Baudelaireorphans, but I
wish now that I had the powerto go back in time and speak to these threesobbing children. If I could, I
could tell theBaudelaires that like earthquakes and puppetshows, their tears were occurring not only with
out warning but without good reason. Theyoungsters were crying, of course, because theythought Aunt
Josephine was dead, and I wishI had the power to go back and tell them thatthey were wrong. But of
course, I cannot. Iam not on top of the hill, overlooking LakeLachrymose, on that gloomy morning. I am
sitting in my room, in the middle of the night,writing down this story and looking out my window at the
graveyard behind my home. Icannot tell the Baudelaire orphans that they arewrong, but I can tell you, as
the orphans cry inMr. Poe's arms, that Aunt Josephine is not dead.Not yet.




                                                CHAPTER

                                                    Six



 Mr.Poe frowned, sat down at the table, andtook out his handkerchief. "Forgery?" herepeated. The
Baudelaire orphans had shownhim the shattered window in the library. Theyhad shown him the note that
had been thumb-tacked to the door. And they had shown him thebusiness card with the grammatical
mistake onit. "Forgery is a very serious charge," he saidsternly, and blew his nose.

 "Not as serious as murder," Klaus pointed out. "And that's what Captain Sham did. Hemurdered Aunt
Josephine and forged a note."

"But why would this Captain Sham person,"

Mr. Poe asked, "go to all this trouble just toplace you under his care?"

"We've already told you," Violet said, tryingto hide her impatience. "Captain Sham is reallyCount Olaf in
disguise."

 "These are very serious accusations," Mr. Poesaid firmly. "I understand that the three of youhave had
some terrible experiences, and I hope you're not letting your imagination get the bestof you. Remember
when you lived with UncleMonty? You were convinced that his assistant,Stephano, was really Count
Olaf in disguise."

"But Stephanowas Count Olaf in disguise,"Klaus exclaimed.

 "That's not the point," Mr. Poe said. "Thepoint is that you can't jump to conclusions. Ifyou really think
this note is a forgery, then wehave to stop talking about disguises and do aninvestigation. Somewhere in
this house, I'msure we can find something that your Aunt Josephine has written. We can compare the
handwriting and see if this note matches up."

 The Baudelaire orphans looked at oneanother. "Of course," Klaus said. "If the notewe found on the
library door doesn't match AuntJosephine's handwriting, then it was obviouslywritten by somebody else.
We didn't think ofthat."

Mr. Poe smiled. "You see? You are very intelligent children, but even the most intelligentpeople in the
world often need the help of abanker. Now, where can we find a sample ofAunt Josephine's
handwriting?"

"In the kitchen," Violet said promptly. "Sheleft her shopping list in the kitchen when wegot home from the
market."

"Chuni!" Sunny shrieked, which probablymeant "Let's go to the kitchen and get it," and that's exactly
what they did. Aunt Josephine'skitchen was very small and had a large whitesheet covering the stove and
the oven-forsafety, Aunt Josephine had explained, duringher tour. There was a countertop where she pre
pared the food, a refrigerator where she storedthe food, and a sink where she washed away the food
nobody had eaten. To one side of the coun-tertop was a small piece of paper on which AuntJosephine
had made her list, and Violet crossedthe kitchen to retrieve it. Mr. Poe turned on thelights, and Violet
held the shopping list up to the note to see if they matched.

 There are men and women who are expertsin the field of handwriting analysis. They are called
graphologists, and they attend grapho-logical schools in order to get their degree ingraphology. You
might think that this situationwould call for a graphologist, but there are timeswhen an expert's opinion is
unnecessary. For instance, if a friend of yours brought you her petdog, and said she was concerned
because itwasn't laying eggs, you would not have to be aveterinarian to tell her that dogs do not lay eggs
and so there was nothing to worry about.

 Yes, there are some questions that are sosimple that anyone can answer them, and Mr.Poe and the
Baudelaire orphans instantly knewthe answer to the question "Does the handwriting on the shopping list
match the handwriting on the note?" The answer was yes. When AuntJosephine had written "Vinegar" on
the shopping list, she had curved the tips of the V intotiny spirals-the same spirals that decorated thetips
of the V in "Violet," on the note. When shehad written "Cucumbers" on the shopping list,the Cs were
slightly squiggly, like earthworms,and the same earthworms appeared in the words"cold" and "Captain
Sham" on the note. WhenAunt Josephine had written "Limes" on the shopping list, thei was dotted with
an ovalrather than a circle, just as it was in "my life willbe at it's end." There was no doubt that Aunt
Josephine had written on both the pieces ofpaper that Mr. Poe and the Baudelaires were examining.

"I don't think there's any doubt that AuntJosephine wrote on both these pieces of paper,"Mr. Poe said.

"But-" Violet began.

"There are no buts about it," Mr. Poe said."Look at the curvy Vs. Look at the squigglyC's. Look at the
oval dots over the I's. I'm nographologist, but I can certainly tell that these were written by the same
person."

 "You're right," Klaus said miserably. "I knowthat Captain Sham is behind this somehow, butAunt
Josephine definitely wrote this note."

"And that," Mr. Poe said, "makes it a legaldocument."

"Does that mean we have to live withCaptain Sham?" Violet asked, her heart sinking.

 "I'm afraid so," Mr. Poe replied. "Someone'slast will and testament is an official statementof the wishes
of the deceased. You were placed in Aunt Josephine's care, so she had the right toassign you to a new
caretaker before she leapedout the window. It is very shocking, certainly,but it is entirely legal."

"We won't go live with him," Klaus saidfiercely. "He's the worst person on earth."

"He'll do something terrible, I know it,"

Violet said. "All he's after is the Baudelairefortune."

"Gind!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like "Please don't make us live with thisevil man."
 "I know you don't like this Captain Shamperson," Mr. Poe said, "but there's not much Ican do about it.
I'm afraid the law says that that'swhere you'll go."

"We'll run away," Klaus said.

"You will do nothing of the kind," Mr. Poesaid sternly. "Your parents entrusted me to see that you would
be cared for properly. You wantto honor your parents' wishes, don't you?"

"Well, yes," Violet said, "but-"

 "Then please don't make a fuss," Mr. Poesaid. "Think of what your poor mother andfather would say if
they knew you were threatening to run away from your guardian."

 The Baudelaire parents, of course, wouldhave been horrified to learn that their childrenwere to be in the
care of Captain Sham, butbefore the children could say this to Mr. Poe, hehad moved on to other
matters. "Now, I thinkthe easiest thing to do would be to meet withCaptain Sham and go over some
details. Where is his business card? I'll phone him now."

"On the table, in the dining room," Klaussaid glumly, and Mr. Poe left the kitchen tomake the call. The
Baudelaires looked at AuntJosephine's shopping list and the suicide note.

"I just can't believe it," Violet said. "I wassure we were on the right track with the forgeryidea."

 "Me too," Klaus said. "Captain Sham hasdone something here-Iknow he has-but he'sbeen even sneakier
than usual."

 "We'd better be smarter than usual, then,"Violet replied, "because we've got to convinceMr. Poe before
it's too late."

"Well, Mr. Poe said he had to go over somedetails," Klaus said. "Perhaps that will take along time."

"I got ahold of Captain Sham," Mr. Poe said, coming back into the kitchen. "He was shocked to hear of
Aunt Josephine's death but overjoyedat the prospect of raising you children. We'remeeting him in a half
hour for lunch at a restaurant in town, and after lunch we'll go over thedetails of your adoption. By tonight
you should be staying in his house. I'm sure you're relievedthat this can be sorted out so quickly."

Violet and Sunny stared at Mr. Poe, too dismayed to speak. Klaus was silent too, but he wasstaring
hard at something else. He was staringat Aunt Josephine's note. His eyes were focusedin concentration
behind his glasses as he stared and stared at it, without blinking. Mr. Poe tookhis white handkerchief out
of his pocket and coughed into it at great length and with greatgusto, a word which here means "in a way
whichproduced a great deal of phlegm." But none ofthe Baudelaires said a word.

 "Well," Mr. Poe said finally, "I will call fora taxicab. There's no use walking down thatenormous hill. You
children comb your hair andput your coats on. It's very windy out andit's getting cold. I think a storm
might be approaching."

Mr. Poe left to make his phone call, and theBaudelaires trudged to their room. Rather thancomb their
hair, however, Sunny and Violet immediately turned to Klaus. "What?" Violetasked him.

"Whatwhat?" Klaus answered.
 "Don't give me thatwhat what," Violetanswered. "You've figured something out, that'swhatwhat. I know
you have. You were rereading Aunt Josephine's note for the umpteenthtime, but you had an expression
as if you hadjust figured something out. Now, what is it?"

"I'm not sure," Klaus said, looking over thenote one more time. "I might have begun figuring something
out. Something that could helpus. But I need more time."

"But we don't have any time!" Violet cried.

"We're going to have lunch with Captain Shamright now!"

"Then we're going to have to make somemore time, somehow," Klaus said determinedly.

 "Come on, children!" Mr. Poe called from thehallway. "The cab will be here any minute! Get your coats
and let's go!"

 Violet sighed, but went to the closet and took out all three Baudelaire coats. She handed Klaushis coat,
and buttoned Sunny into her coat as she talked to her brother. "How can we makemore time?" Violet
asked.

"You're the inventor," Klaus answered, buttoning his coat.

 "But you can't invent things like time,"Violet said. "You can invent things like automatic popcorn
poppers. You can invent things like steam-powered window washers. But youcan't invent moretime.''
Violet was so certainshe couldn't invent more time that she didn'teven put her hair up in a ribbon to keep
it outof her eyes. She merely gave Klaus a look offrustration and confusion, and started to puton her
coat. But as she did up the buttons sherealized she didn't even need to put her hair upin a ribbon,
because the answer was right therewith her.




                                                  CHAPTER

                                                   Seven



 "Hello,I'm Larry, your waiter," said Larry, theBaudelaire orphans' waiter. He was a short,skinny man in
a goofy clown costume with a name tag pinned to his chest that readlarry."Welcome to the Anxious
Clown restaurant-where everybody has a good time, whether theylike it or not. I can see we have a
whole familylunching together today, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer.
It's a bunch of things fried up together andserved with a sauce."

"What a wonderful idea," Captain Sham said,smiling in a way that showed all of his yellow teeth. "An
Extra Fun Special Family Appetizerfor an extra fun special family-mine''

"I'll just have water, thank you," Violet said.

"Same with me," Klaus said. "And a glass ofice cubes for my baby sister, please."
"I'll have a cup of coffee with nondairycreamer," Mr. Poe said.

"Oh, no, Mr. Poe," Captain Sham said. "Let'sshare a nice big bottle of red wine."

"No, thank you, Captain Sham," Mr. Poesaid. "I don't like to drink during bankinghours."

 "But this is a celebratory lunch," CaptainSham exclaimed. "We should drink a toast tomy three new
children. It's not every day that aman becomes a father."

"Please, Captain," Mr. Poe said. "It is heartening to see that you are glad to raise theBaudelaires, but
you must understand that thechildren are rather upset about their AuntJosephine."

 There is a lizard called the chameleon that,as you probably know, can change color instantlyto blend into
its surroundings. Besides beingslimy and cold-blooded, Captain Sham resembled the chameleon in that
he was chameleonic,a word means "able to blend in with any situation." Since Mr. Poe and the
Baudelaires hadarrived at the Anxious Clown, Captain Shamhad been unable to conceal his excitement
athaving the children almost in his clutches. Butnow that Mr. Poe had pointed out that the occasion
actually called for sadness, Captain Shaminstantly began to speak in a mournful voice."I am upset, too,"
he said, brushing a tear awayfrom beneath his eyepatch. "Josephine was oneof my oldest and dearest
friends."

"You met heryesterday"' Klaus said, "in thegrocery store."

 "It does only seem like yesterday," CaptainSham said, "but it was really years ago. She andI met in
cooking school. We were oven partnersin the Advanced Baking Course."

"You weren'teven partners" Violet said, disgusted at Captain Sham's lies. "Aunt Josephinewas
desperately afraid of turning on the oven.She never would have attended cooking school."

"We soon became friends," Captain Shamsaid, going on with his story as if no one hadinterrupted, "and
one day she said to me, 'if Iever adopt some orphans and then meet anuntimely death, promise me you
will raise themfor me.' I told her I would, but of course I neverthought I would have to keep my
promise."

 "That's a very sad story," Larry said, andeveryone turned to see that their waiter was stillstanding over
them. "I didn't realize this was a sad occasion. In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up
Cheeseburgers. The pickles, mustard, and ketchup make a little smileyface on top of the burger, which is
guaranteedto get you smiling, too."

"That sounds like a good idea," CaptainSham said. "Bring us all Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers, Larry."

"They'll be here in a jiffy," the waiterpromised, and at last he was gone.

 "Yes, yes," Mr. Poe said, "but after we've finished our cheeseburgers, Captain Sham, thereare some
important papers for you to sign. Ihave them in my briefcase, and after lunch we'll look them over."

"And then the children will be mine?"Captain Sham asked.

"Well, you will be caring for them, yes,"Mr. Poe said. "Of course, the Baudelaire fortunewill still be
under my supervision, until Violetcomes of age."
"What fortune?" Captain Sham asked, hiseyebrow curling. "I don't know anything abouta fortune."

"Duna!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "Of course you do!"

"The Baudelaire parents," Mr. Poe explained,"left an enormous fortune behind, and thechildren inherit it
when Violet comes of age."

"Well, I have no interest in a fortune,"

Captain Sham said. "I have my sailboats. Iwouldn't touch a penny of it."

"Well, that's good," Mr. Poe said, "becauseyoucan't touch a penny of it."

"We'll see," Captain Sham said.

"What?" Mr. Poe asked.

"Here are your Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!"Larry sang out, appearing at their table with atray full of
greasy-looking food. "Enjoy yourmeal."

 Like most restaurants filled with neon lightsand balloons, the Anxious Clown served terrible food. But
the three orphans had not eatenall day, and had not eaten anything warm for along time, so even though
they were sad andanxious they found themselves with quite anappetite. After a few minutes without
conversation, Mr. Poe began to tell a very dull storyabout something that had happened at thebank. Mr.
Poe was so busy talking, Klaus andSunny were so busy pretending to be interested,and Captain Sham
was so busy wolfing downhis meal, that nobody noticed what Violet wasup to.

 When Violet had put on her coat to go outinto the wind and cold, she had felt the lump ofsomething in
her pocket. The lump was the bagof peppermints that Mr. Poe had given theBaudelaires the day they
had arrived at LakeLachrymose, and it had given her an idea. AsMr. Poe droned on and on, she
carefully, carefully, took the bag of peppermints out of hercoat pocket and opened it. To her dismay,
theywere the kind of peppermints that are eachwrapped up in a little bit of cellophane. Placingher hands
underneath the table, she unwrappedthree peppermints, using the utmost-the word "utmost," when it is
used here, means "most"-care not to make any of those crinkling noisesthat come from unwrapping
candy and are so annoying in movie theaters. At last, she hadthree bare peppermints sitting on the napkin
inher lap. Without drawing attention to herself,she put one on Klaus's lap and one on Sunny's.

 When her younger siblings felt somethingappear in their laps and looked down and sawthe peppermints,
they at first thought the eldestBaudelaire orphan had lost her mind. But aftera moment, they understood.

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best notto put that thing in your mouth, particularly ifthe thing is cats. But
Violet, Klaus, and Sunnyall knew that this was an emergency. Theyneeded time alone to figure out
Captain Sham'splan, and how to stop it, and although causing allergic reactions is a rather drastic way of
getting time by yourself, it was the only thingthey could think of. So while neither of theadults at the table
were watching, all three children put the peppermints into their mouths andwaited.

 The Baudelaire allergies are famous for beingquick-acting, so the orphans did not have longto wait. In a
few minutes, Violet began to break out in red, itchy hives, Klaus's tongue started toswell up, and Sunny,
who of course had nevereaten a peppermint, broke out in hivesand hadher tongue swell up.
 Mr. Poe finally finished telling his story andthen noticed the orphans' condition. "Why, children," he said,
"you lookterrible! Violet, youhave red patches on your skin. Klaus, yourtongue is hanging out of your
mouth. Sunny,both things are happening to you."

"There must be something in this food thatwe're allergic to," Violet said.

"My goodness," Mr. Poe said, watching ahive on Violet's arm grow to the size of a hard-boiled egg.

"Just take deep breaths," Captain Sham said, scarcely looking up from his cheeseburger.

"I feel terrible," Violet said, and Sunny beganto wail. "I think we should go home and liedown, Mr. Poe."

"Just lean back in your seat," Captain Sham said sharply. "There's no reason to leave whenwe're in the
middle of lunch."

 "Why, Captain Sham," Mr. Poe said, "thechildren are quite ill. Violet is right. Come now,I'll pay the bill
and we'll take the childrenhome."

"No, no," Violet said quickly. "We'll get ataxi. You two stay here and take care of all thedetails."

Captain Sham gave Violet a sharp look. "Iwouldn't dream of leaving you all alone," hesaid in a dark
voice.

 "Well, there is a lot of paperwork to go over,"Mr. Poe said. He glanced at his meal, and the Baudelaires
could see he was not too eager toleave the restaurant and care for sick children."We wouldn't be leaving
them alone for long."

"Our allergies are fairly mild," Violet saidtruthfully, scratching at one of her hives. Shestood up and led
her swollen-tongued siblingstoward the front door. "We'll just lie down foran hour or two while you have
a relaxing lunch.When you have signed all the papers, CaptainSham, you can just come and retrieve us."

 Captain Sham's one visible eye grew as shinyas Violet had ever seen it. "I'll do that," he replied. "I'll
come and retrieve you very, verysoon."

 "Good-bye, children," Mr. Poe said. "I hopeyou feel better soon. You know, Captain Sham,there is
someone at my bank who has terribleallergies. Why, I remember one time . . ."

 "Leaving so soon?" Larry asked the threechildren as they buttoned up their coats. Outside, the wind was
blowing harder, and it hadstarted to drizzle as Hurricane Herman gotcloser and closer to Lake
Lachrymose. But evenso, the three children were eager to leave theAnxious Clown, and not just because
the garish restaurant-the word "garish" here means "filled with balloons, neon lights, and obnoxious
waiters"-was filled with balloons, neon lights, and obnoxious waiters. The Baudelairesknew that they had
invented just a little bit oftime for themselves, and they had to use everysecond of it.




                                                 CHAPTER

                                                     Eight
 Whensomeone's tongue swells up due to anallergic reaction, it is often difficult to understand what they
are saying.

"Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh," Klaus said,as the three children got out of the taxi andheaded toward the
peeling white door of Aunt Josephine's house.

 "I don't understand what you're saying,"Violet said, scratching at a hive on her neck thatwas the exact
shape of the state of Minnesota.

 "Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh,"Klaus repeated,or perhaps he was saying something else; Ihaven't the faintest
idea.

 "Never mind, never mind," Violet said, opening the door and ushering her siblings inside."Now you have
the time that you need to figureout whatever it is that you're figuring out."

"Bluh bluh bluh," Klaus bluhed.

 "I still can't understand you," Violet said. Shetook Sunny's coat off, and then her own, and dropped
them both on the floor. Normally, ofcourse, one should hang up one's coat on a hookor in a closet, but
itchy hives are very irritatingand tend to make one abandon such matters."I'm going to assume, Klaus,
that you saidsomething in agreement. Now, unless you needus to help you, I'm going to give Sunny and
myself a baking soda bath to help our hives."

"Bluh!" Sunny shrieked. She meant to shriek "Gans!" which meant something along the linesof "Good,
because my hives are driving mecrazy!"

 "Bluh," Klaus said, nodding vigorously, andhe began hurrying down the hallway. Klaus hadnot taken off
his coat, but it wasn't because of his own irritating allergic condition. It wasbecause he was going
someplace cold.

 When Klaus opened the door of the library,he was surprised at how much had changed. The wind from
the approaching hurricane hadblown away the last of the window, and the rainhad soaked some of Aunt
Josephine's comfortable chairs, leaving dark, spreading stains. A fewbooks had fallen from their shelves
and blownover to the window, where water had swollenthem. There are few sights sadder than a ruined
book, but Klaus had no time to be sad. He knewCaptain Sham would come and retrieve the Baudelaires
as soon as he could, so he had to getright to work. First he took Aunt Josephine'snote out of his pocket
and placed it on the table,weighing it down with books so it wouldn't blowaway in the wind. Then he
crossed quickly tothe shelves and began to scan the spines of the books, looking for titles. He chose
three:BasicRules of Grammar and Punctuation, Handbook forAdvanced Apostrophe Use,andThe
Correct Spellingof Every English Word That Ever, Ever Existed.Each of the books was as thick as a
watermelon,and Klaus staggered under the weight of carrying all three. With a loudthump he dropped
them on the table. "Bluh bluh bluh, bluh bluh bluh bluh," he mumbled to himself, and founda pen and got
to work.

 A library is normally a very good place to workin the afternoon, but not if its window has beensmashed
and there is a hurricane approaching.The wind blew colder and colder, and it rainedharder and harder,
and the room became moreand more unpleasant. But Klaus took no noticeof this. He opened all of the
books and tookcopious-the word "copious" here means "lotsof-notes, stopping every so often to draw a
circle around some part of what Aunt Josephinehad written. It began to thunder outside, andwith each
roll of thunder the entire houseshook, but Klaus kept flipping pages and writing things down. Then, as
lightning began toflash outside, he stopped, and stared at thenote for a long time, frowning intently.
Finally,he wrote two words at the bottom of AuntJosephine's note, concentrating so hard as hedid so that
when Violet and Sunny entered thelibrary and called out his name he nearlyjumped out of his chair.

"Bluh surprised bluh!" he shrieked, his heartpounding and his tongue a bit less swollen.

"I'm sorry," Violet said. "I didn't mean to surprise you."

"Bluh bluh take a baking soda bluh?" heasked.

 "No," Violet replied. "We couldn't take abaking soda bath. Aunt Josephine doesn't haveany baking
soda, because she never turns on the oven to bake. We just took a regular bath. Butthat doesn't matter,
Klaus. What haveyou beendoing, in this freezing room? Why have youdrawn circles all over Aunt
Josephine's note?"

"Bluhdying grammar," he replied, gesturingto the books.

 "Bluh?" Sunny shrieked, which probably meant "gluh?" which meant something alongthe lines of "Why
are you wasting valuable timestudying grammar?"

"Bluhcause," Klaus explained impatiently,"I think bluh Josephine left us a message inbluh note."

"She was miserable, and she threw herselfout the window," Violet said, shivering in thewind. "What
other message could there be?"

 "There are too many grammatical mistakesin the bluh," Klaus said. "Aunt Josephine loved grammar, and
she'd never make that many mistakes unless she had a bluh reason. So that'swhat I've been doing
bluh-counting up thegrammatical mistakes."

"Bluh," Sunny said, which meant somethingalong the lines of "Please continue, Klaus."

Klaus wiped a few raindrops off his glassesand looked down at his notes. "Well, we alreadyknow that
bluh first sentence uses the wrong'its.' I think that was to get our attention. Butlook at the second
bluhtence. 'My heart is ascold as Ike and I find life inbearable.'"

"But the correct word isun bearable," Violet said. "You told us that already."

"Bluh I think there's more," Klaus said. '"My heart is as cold as Ike' doesn't sound right to me.
Remember, Aunt Josephine told us bluh likedto think of her husband someplace very hot."

 "That's true," Violet said, remembering."She said it right here in this very room. Shesaid Ike liked the
sunshine and so she imaginedhim someplace sunny."

"So I think Aunt Bluhsephine meant 'coldasice"' Klaus said.

"Okay, so we haveice andun bearable. So farthis doesn't mean anything to me," Violet said.

 "Me neither," Klaus said. "But look at bluhnext part. 'I know your children may not understand the sad
life of a dowadger.' We don't haveany children."
"That's true," Violet said. "I'm not planningto have children until I am considerably older."

 "So why would Aunt Josephine say 'your children'? I think she meant'you children.' And Ilooked up
'dowadger' inThe Correct Spelling ofEvery English Word That Ever, Ever Existed.'"

"Why?" Violet asked. "You already know it'sa fancy word for widow."

 "Itis a bluhncy word for widow," Klausreplied, "but it's spelled D-O-W-A-G-E-R. AuntJosephine
added an extra D."

"Cold asice" Violet said, counting on herfingers, "unbearable,you children, and an extraD in dowager.
That's not much of a message,Klaus."

 "Let me finish," Klaus said. "I discoveredeven more grammbluhtical mistakes. When shewrote, 'or what
would have leaded me to thisdesperate akt,' she meant 'what would haveledme,' and the word 'act,' of
course, is spelledwith a C."

"Coik!" Sunny shrieked, which meant"Thinking about all this is making me dizzy!"

"Me too, Sunny," Violet said, lifting her sisterup so she could sit on the table. "But let himfinish."

 "There are just bluh more," Klaus said, holding up two fingers. "One, she calls CaptainSham 'a kind and
honorable men,' when sheshould have said 'a kind and honorableman.'And in the last sentence, Aunt
Josephine wrote'Please think of me kindly even though I'ddone this terrible thing,' but according to the
Handbook for Advanced Apostrophe Use,sheshould have written 'even thoughI've done thisterrible
thing.'"

"But so what?" Violet asked. "What do all these mistakes mean?"

Klaus smiled, and showed his sisters the two words he had written on the bottom of the note."Curdled
Cave," he read out loud.

"Curdledveek?' Sunny asked, which meant"Curdledwhat?"

 "Curdled Cave," Klaus repeated. "If you takeall the letters involved in the grammatical mistakes, that's
what it spells. Look: C for iceinstead of Ike. U for unbearable instead ofinbearable. The extra R in your
children insteadof you children, and the extra D in dowager. L-E-D for led instead of leaded. C for act in
stead of akt. A for man instead of men. And V-Efor I've instead of I'd. That spells CURDLEDCAVE.
Don't you see? Aunt Josephineknew shewas making grammatical errors, and she knewwe'd spot them.
She was leaving us a message, and the message is Curdled-"

 A great gust of wind interrupted Klaus as itcame through the shattered window and shook the library as
if it were maracas, a word whichdescribes rattling percussion instruments usedin Latin American music.
Everything rattledwildly around the library as the wind flewthrough it. Chairs and footstools flipped over
and fell to the floor with their legs in the air.The bookshelves rattled so hard that some ofthe heaviest
books in Aunt Josephine's collection spun off into puddles of rainwater on thefloor. And the Baudelaire
orphans were jerkedviolently to the ground as a streak of lightningflashed across the darkening sky.

"Let's get out of here!" Violet shouted over the noise of the thunder, and grabbed her siblings by the
hand. The wind was blowing sohard that the Baudelaires felt as if they wereclimbing an enormous hill
instead of walking tothe door of the library. The orphans were quiteout of breath by the time they shut the
library door behind them and stood shivering in thehallway.

"Poor Aunt Josephine," Violet said. "Herlibrary is wrecked."

"But I need to go back in there," Klaus said,holding up the note. "We just found out whatAunt Josephine
means by Curdled Cave, andwe need a library to find out more."

"Not that library," Violet pointed out. "All that library had were books on grammar. We need her books
on Lake Lachrymose."

"Why?" Klaus asked.

"Because I'll bet you anything that's whereCurdled Cave is," Violet said, "in Lake Lachrymose.
Remember she said she knew everyisland in its waters and every cave on its shore?I bet Curdled Cave is
one of those caves."

"But why would her secret message be about some cave?" Klaus asked.

"You've been so busy figuring out the message," Violet said, "that you don't understand what it means.
Aunt Josephine isn't dead. She just wants people tothink she's dead. But shewanted to tellus that she
was hiding. We haveto find her books on Lake Lachrymose and findout where Curdled Cave is."

 "But first we have to know where the booksare," Klaus said. "She told us she hid themaway,
remember?"

Sunny shrieked something in agreement, buther siblings couldn't hear her over a burst ofthunder.

"Let's see," Violet said. "Where would youhide something if you didn't want to lookat it?"

 The Baudelaire orphans were quiet as theythought of places they had hidden things theydid not want to
look at, back when they hadlived with their parents in the Baudelaire home.Violet thought of an automatic
harmonica shehad invented that had made such horriblenoises that she had hidden it so she didn't haveto
think of her failure. Klaus thought of a bookon the Franco-Prussian War that was so difficultthat he had
hidden it so as not to be remindedthat he wasn't old enough to read it. And Sunny thought of a piece of
stone that was too hard foreven her sharpest tooth, and how she hadhidden it so her jaw would no longer
ache fromher many attempts at conquering it. And allthree Baudelaire orphans thought of the hidingplace
they had chosen.

"Underneath the bed," Violet said.

"Underneath the bed," Klaus agreed.

 "Seeka yit," Sunny agreed, and withoutanother word the three children ran down thehallway to Aunt
Josephine's room. Normally itis not polite to go into somebody's room without knocking, but you can
make an exceptionif the person is dead, or pretending to be dead,and the Baudelaires went right inside.
AuntJosephine's room was similar to the orphans',with a navy-blue bedspread on the bed anda pile of tin
cans in the corner. There was asmall window looking out onto the rain-soaked hill, and a pile of new
grammar books by theside of the bed that Aunt Josephine had notstarted reading, and, I'm sad to say,
would never read. But the only part of the room that interested the children was underneath the bed,and
the three of them knelt down to lookthere.
 Aunt Josephine, apparently, had plenty ofthings she did not want to look at anymore.Underneath the bed
there were pots andpans, which she didn't want to look at becausethey reminded her of the stove. There
wereugly socks somebody had given her as a giftthat were too ugly for human eyes. And theBaudelaires
were sad to see a framed photograph of a kind-looking man with a handful ofcrackers in one hand and
his lips pursed as if hewere whistling. It was Ike, and the Baudelaires knew that she had placed his
photograph therebecause she was too sad to look at it. But behind one of the biggest pots was a stack of
books, andthe orphans immediately reached for it.

"The Tides of Lake Lachrymose,"Violet said,reading the title of the top book. "That won'thelp."

"The Bottom of Lake Lachrymose,"Klaus said,reading the next one. "That's not useful."

"Lachrymose Trout,"Violet read.

"The History of the Damocles Dock Region,"Klaus read.

"Ivan Lachrymose-Lake Explorer,"Violetread.

"How Water Is Made,"Klaus read.

"A Lachrymose Atlas,"Violet said.

"Atlas? That's perfect!" Klaus cried. "An atlasis a book of maps!"

 There was a flash of lightning outside thewindow, and it began to rain harder, makinga sound on the roof
like somebody was dropping marbles on it. Without another word theBaudelaires opened the atlas and
began flipping pages. They saw map after map of the lake, butthey couldn't find Curdled Cave.

 "This book is four hundred seventy-eightpages long," Klaus exclaimed, looking at the lastpage of the
atlas. "It'll take forever to findCurdled Cave."

 "We don't have forever," Violet said. "Captain Sham is probably on his way here now. Use theindex in
the back. Look under 'Curdled.'"

 Klaus flipped to the index, which I'm sureyou know is an alphabetical list of each thinga book contains
and what page it's on. Klausran his finger down the list of the C words,muttering out loud to himself.
"Carp Cove,Chartreuse Island, Cloudy Cliffs, CondimentBay, Curdled Cave-here it is! Curdled Cave,
page one hundred four." Quickly Klaus flippedto the correct page and looked at the detailedmap.
"Curdled Cave, Curdled Cave, whereis it?"

 "There it is!" Violet pointed a finger at thetiny spot on the map markedCurdled Cave."Directly across
from Damocles Dock and justwest of the Lavender Lighthouse. Let's go."

"Go?" Klaus said. "How will we get acrossthe lake?"

 "The Fickle Ferry will take us," Violet said,pointing at a dotted line on the map. "Look, theferry goes
right to the Lavender Lighthouse,and we can walk from there."

"We're going to walk to Damocles Dock, inall this rain?" Klaus asked.
"We don't have any choice," Violet answered."We have to prove that Aunt Josephine is stillalive, or else
Captain Sham gets us."

 "I just hope she is still-" Klaus started tosay, but he stopped himself and pointed out the window.
"Look!"

Violet and Sunny looked. The window in

 Aunt Josephine's bedroom looked out onto thehill, and the orphans could see one of the spidery metal
stilts that kept Aunt Josephine'shouse from falling into the lake. But they couldalso see that this stilt had
been badly damagedby the howling storm. There was a large blackburn mark, undoubtedly from
lightning, and thewind had bent the stilt into an uneasy curve.As the storm raged around them, the
orphanswatched the stilt struggle to stay attached.

"Tafca!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "Wehave to get out of hereright now!"

"Sunny's right," Violet said. "Grab the atlasand let's go."

 Klaus grabbedA Lachrymose Atlas, not wanting to think what would be happening if theywere still
leafing through the book and had notlooked up at the window. As the youngstersstood up, the wind rose
to a feverish pitch, aphrase which here means "it shook the houseand sent all three orphans toppling to
the floor."

 Violet fell against one of the bedposts andbanged her knee. Klaus fell against the cold radiator and
banged his foot. And Sunny fellinto the pile of tin cans and banged everything.The whole room seemed to
lurch slightly to oneside as the orphans staggered back to their feet."Come on!" Violet screamed, and
grabbedSunny. The orphans scurried out to the hallwayand toward the front door. A piece of the ceiling
had come off, and rainwater was steadilypouring onto the carpet, splattering the orphansas they ran
underneath it. The house gaveanother lurch, and the children toppled to thefloor again. Aunt Josephine's
house was startingto slip off the hill. "Come on!" Violet screamedagain, and the orphans stumbled up the
tiltedhallway to the door, slipping in puddles andon their own frightened feet. Klaus was the firstto reach
the front door, and yanked it openas the house gave another lurch, followed by ahorrible, horrible
crunching sound. "Come on!"

 Violet screamed again, and the Baudelairescrawled out of the door and onto the hill, huddling together in
the freezing rain. They werecold. They were frightened. But they hadescaped.

 I have seen many amazing things in my long and troubled life history. I have seen a series ofcorridors
built entirely out of human skulls.I have seen a volcano erupt and send a wallof lava crawling toward a
small village. I haveseen a woman I loved picked up by an enormous eagle and flown to its high mountain
nest.But I still cannot imagine what it was like towatch Aunt Josephine's house topple into Lake
Lachrymose. My own research tells me that thechildren watched in mute amazement as thepeeling white
door slammed shut and beganto crumple, as you might crumple a piece ofpaper into a ball. I have been
told that the children hugged each other even more tightly asthey heard the rough and earsplitting noiseof
their home breaking loose from the side ofthe hill. But I cannot tell you how it felt to watchthe whole
building fall down, down, down, andhit the dark and stormy waters of the lakebelow.
                                                 CHAPTER

                                                      Nine



TheUnited States Postal Service has amotto. The motto is: "Neither rain norsleet nor driving snow shall
halt the delivery of the mails." All this means is that evenwhen the weather is nasty and yourmailperson
wants to stay inside and enjoy a cup of cocoa, he or she has to bundle up and go outside and deliver
your mail anyway. The UnitedStates Postal Service does not think that icystorms should interfere with its
duties.

 The Baudelaire orphans were distressed tolearn that the Fickle Ferry had no such policy.Violet, Klaus,
and Sunny had made their waydown the hill with much difficulty. The stormwas rising, and the children
could tell that thewind and the rain wanted nothing more than tograb them and throw them into the raging
waters of Lake Lachrymose. Violet and Sunnyhadn't had the time to grab their coats as they escaped the
house, so all three children tookturns wearing Klaus's coat as they stumbled along the flooding road.
Once or twice a cardrove by, and the Baudelaires had to scurry intothe muddy bushes and hide, in case
CaptainSham was coming to retrieve them. When theyfinally reached Damocles Dock, their teethwere
chattering and their feet were so cold theycould scarcely feel their toes, and the sight ofthe CLOSED sign
in the window of the FickleFerry ticket booth was just about more thanthey could stand.

 "It'sclosed" Klaus cried, his voice rising withdespair and in order to be heard over HurricaneHerman.
"How will we get to Curdled Cavenow?"

"We'll have to wait until it opens," Violetreplied.

 "But it won't open until the storm is past,"Klaus pointed out, "and by then Captain Shamwill find us and
take us far away. We have to getto Aunt Josephine as soon as possible."

 "I don't know how we can," Violet said, shivering. "The atlas says that the cave is all the wayacross the
lake, and we can'tswim all that wayin this weather."

"Entro!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "And we don't haveenough time to
walk around the lake, either."

"There must be other boats on this lake,"Klaus said, "besides the ferry. Motorboats, orfishing boats, or-"
He trailed off, and his eyesmet those of his sisters. All three orphans werethinking the same thing.

"Orsailboats" Violet finished for him."Captain Sham's Sailboat Rentals. He said itwas right on
Damocles Dock."

 The Baudelaires stood under the awning ofthe ticket booth and looked down at the far endof the
deserted dock, where they could see ametal gate that was very tall and had glistening spikes on the top
of it. Hanging over the metalgate was a sign with some words they couldn'tread, and next to the sign
there was a smallshack, scarcely visible in the rain, with a flickering light in the window. The children
lookedat it with dread in their hearts. Walking intoCaptain Sham's Sailboat Rentals in order to findAunt
Josephine would feel like walking into alion's den in order to escape from a lion.

"We can't go there," Klaus said.
"We have to," Violet said. "We know Captain

Sham isn't there, because he's either on his wayto Aunt Josephine's house or still at the AnxiousClown."

"But whoeveris there," Klaus said, pointing to the flickering light, "won't let us rent a sailboat."

 "They won't know we're the Baudelaires,"Violet replied. "We'll tell whoever it is thatwe're the Jones
children and that we want to gofor a sail."

"In the middle of a hurricane?" Klaus replied."They won't believe that."

 "They'll have to," Violet said resolutely, a word which here means "as if she believed it,even though she
wasn't so sure," and she ledher siblings toward the shack. Klaus clasped theatlas close to his chest, and
Sunny, whose turnit was for Klaus's coat, clutched it around herself, and soon the Baudelaires were
shiveringunderneath the sign that read: CAPTAINSHAM'SSAILBOAT RENTALS-EVERY BOAT
HAS IT'S OWNSAIL. But the tall metal gate was locked up tight,and the Baudelaires paused there,
anxious aboutgoing inside the shack.

"Let's take a look," Klaus whispered, pointing to a window, but it was too high for him orSunny to use.
Standing on tiptoe, Violet peeredinto the window of the shack and with oneglance she knew there was
no way they couldrent a sailboat.

 The shack was very small, with only room fora small desk and a single lightbulb, which wasgiving off the
flickering light. But at the desk,asleep in a chair, was a person so massive that itlooked like an enormous
blob was in the shack,snoring away with a bottle of beer in one handand a ring of keys in the other. As
the person snored, the bottle shook, the keys jangled, andthe door of the shack creaked open an inch or
two, but although those noises were quitespooky, they weren't what frightened Violet.What frightened
Violet was that you couldn'ttell if this person was a man or a woman. Therearen't very many people like
that in the world, and Violet knew which one this was. Perhapsyou have forgotten about Count Olaf's
evil comrades, but the Baudelaires had seen them in theflesh-lots of flesh, in this comrade's case-and
remembered all of them in gruesome detail.These people were rude, and they were sneaky,and they did
whatever Count Olaf-or in this case, Captain Sham-told them to do, and theorphans never knew when
they would turn up.And now, one had turned up right there in theshack, dangerous, treacherous, and
snoring.

 Violet's face must have shown her disappointment, because as soon as she took a look Klausasked,
"What's wrong? I mean, besides Hurricane Herman, and Aunt Josephine faking herown death, and
Captain Sham coming after usand everything."

"One of Count Olaf's comrades is in theshack," Violet said.

"Which one?" Klaus asked.

"The one who looks like neither a man nora woman," Violet replied.

Klaus shuddered. "That's the scariest one."

"I disagree," Violet said. "I think the bald oneis scariest."

"Vass!" Sunny whispered, which probablymeant "Let's discuss this at another time."
"Did he or she see you?" Klaus asked.

"No," Violet said. "He or she is asleep. But he or she is holding a ring of keys. We'll needthem, I bet, to
unlock the gate and get a sailboat."

"You mean we're going to steal a sailboat?"Klaus asked.

 "We have no choice," Violet said. Stealing, ofcourse, is a crime, and a very impolite thing todo. But like
most impolite things, it is excusableunder certain circumstances. Stealing is notexcusable if, for instance,
you are in a museumand you decide that a certain painting wouldlook better in your house, and you
simply grabthe painting and take it there. But if you werevery, very hungry, and you had no way of obtain
ing money, it might be excusable to grab thepainting, take it to your house, and eat it. "Wehave to get to
Curdled Cave as quickly as possible," Violet continued, "and the only way we can do it is to steal a
sailboat."

"I know that," Klaus said, "but how are wegoing to get the keys?"

"I don't know," Violet admitted. "The doorof the shack is creaky, and I'm afraid if we openit any wider
we'll wake him or her up."

"You could crawl through the window," Klaussaid, "by standing on my shoulders. Sunnycould keep
watch."

"Whereis Sunny?" Violet asked nervously.

 Violet and Klaus looked down at the groundand saw Klaus's coat sitting alone in a little heap.They
looked down the dock but only saw theFickle Ferry ticket booth and the foamy watersof the lake,
darkening in the gloom of the lateafternoon.

 "She's gone!" Klaus cried, but Violet put afinger to her lips and stood on tiptoe to look inthe window
again. Sunny was crawling throughthe open door of the shack, flattening her littlebody enough so as not
to open the door anywider.

"She's inside," Violet murmured.

"In the shack?" Klaus said in a horrified gasp."Oh no. We have to stop her."

"She's crawling very slowly toward thatperson," Violet said, afraid even to blink.

"We promised our parents we'd take care ofher," Klaus said. "We can't let her do this."

"She's reaching toward the key ring," Violetsaid breathlessly. "She's gently prying it loosefrom the
person's hand."

 "Don't tell me any more," Klaus said, as abolt of lightning streaked across the sky. "No,do tell me. What
is happening?"

 "She has the keys," Violet said. "She'sputting them in her mouth to hold them. She'scrawling back
toward the door. She's flatteningherself and crawling through."

"She's made it," Klaus said in amazement.Sunny came crawling triumphantly toward theorphans, the
keys in her mouth. "Violet, shemade it," Klaus said, giving Sunny a hug as ahugeboom! of thunder echoed
across the sky.

 Violet smiled down at Sunny, but stopped smiling when she looked back into the shack.The thunder had
awoken Count Olaf's comrade, and Violet watched in dismay as theperson looked at its empty hand
where the keyring had been, and then down on the floorwhere Sunny had left little crawl-prints of
rainwater, and then up to the window and right intoViolet's eyes.

"She's awake!" Violet shrieked. "He's awake!It's awake! Hurry, Klaus, open the gate and I'lltry to
distract it."

 Without another word, Klaus took the keyring from Sunny's mouth and hurried to the tall metal gate.
There were three keys on the ring-a skinny one, a thick one, and one with teeth as jagged as the
glistening spikes hanging over thechildren. He put the atlas down on the groundand began to try the
skinny key in the lock, justas Count Olaf's comrade came lumbering out ofthe shack.

 Her heart in her throat, Violet stood in frontof the creature and gave it a fake smile. "Goodafternoon,"
she said, not knowing whether toadd "sir" or "madam." "I seem to have gottenlost on this dock. Could
you tell me the way tothe Fickle Ferry?"

 Count Olaf's comrade did not answer, butkept shuffling toward the orphans. The skinnykey fit into the
lock but didn't budge, and Klaustried the thick one.

"I'm sorry," Violet said, "I didn't hear you. Could you tell me-"

 Without a word the mountainous persongrabbed Violet by the hair, and with one swing of its arm lifted
her up over its smelly shoulderthe way you might carry a backpack. Klauscouldn't get the thick key to fit
in the lock andtried the jagged one, just as the person scoopedup Sunny with its other hand and held her
up,the way you might hold an ice cream cone."Klaus!"Violet screamed."Klaus!"The jagged key
wouldn't fit in the lock,either. Klaus, in frustration, shook and shook themetal gate. Violet was kicking the
creature frombehind, and Sunny was biting its wrist, but theperson was so Brobdingnagian-a word which
here means "unbelievably husky"-that thechildren were causing it minimal pain, a phrasewhich here means
"no pain at all." Count Olaf'scomrade lumbered toward Klaus, holding the other two orphans in its grasp.
In desperation,Klaus tried the skinny key again in the lock, andto his surprise and relief it turned and the
tall metal gate swung open. Just a few feet away were six sailboats tied to the end of the dockwith thick
rope-sailboats that could take themto Aunt Josephine. But Klaus was too late. Hefelt something grab the
back of his shirt, and hewas lifted up in the air. Something slimy beganrunning down his back, and Klaus
realized withhorror that the person was holding him in his orher mouth.

"Put me down!" Klaus screamed. "Put medown!"

"Put me down!" Violet yelled. "Put medown!"

"Poda rish!" Sunny shrieked. "Poda rish!"

 But the lumbering creature had no concernfor the wishes of the Baudelaire orphans. Withgreat sloppy
steps it turned itself around andbegan to carry the youngsters back toward theshack. The children heard
the gloppy soundof its chubby feet sloshing through the rain,gumsh, gumsh, gumsh, gumsh.But then,
insteadof agumsh, there was askittle-wat as the person stepped on Aunt Josephine's atlas, which
slipped from under its feet. Count Olaf's comrade waved its arms to keep its balance, dropping Violet
and Sunny, and then fell to theground, opening its mouth in surprise and dropping Klaus. The orphans,
being in reasonablygood physical shape, got to their feet muchmore quickly than this despicable creature,
andran through the open gate to the nearest sailboat. The creature struggled to right itself andchase them,
but Sunny had already bitten therope that tied the boat to the dock. By the timethe creature reached the
spiky metal gate, theorphans were already on the stormy waters ofLake Lachrymose. In the dim light of
the lateafternoon, Klaus wiped the grime of the creature's foot off the cover of the atlas, and beganto
read it. Aunt Josephine's book of maps hadsaved them once, in showing them the locationof Curdled
Cave, and now it had saved themagain.




                                                 CHAPTER

                                                     Ten



 Thegood people who are publishing this bookhave a concern that they have expressed tome. The
concern is that readers like yourselfwill read my history of the Baudelaire orphans and attempt to imitate
some of thethings they do. So at this point in the story, inorder to mollify the publishers-the word "mollify"
here means "get them to stoptearing their hair out in worry"-please allow me to give you a piece of
advice, even though I don't know anything about you.The piece of advice is as follows: If you everneed
to get to Curdled Cave in a hurry, donot, under any circumstances, steal a boat andattempt to sail across
Lake Lachrymose during a hurricane, because it is very dangerousand the chances of your survival are
practicallyzero. You should especially not do this if, likethe Baudelaire orphans, you have only a vague
idea of how to work a sailboat.

 Count Olaf's comrade, standing at the dockand waving a chubby fist in the air, grew smaller and smaller
as the wind carried the sailboat awayfrom Damocles Dock. As Hurricane Hermanraged over them,
Violet, Klaus, and Sunnyexamined the sailboat they had just stolen. Itwas fairly small, with wooden seats
and brightorange life jackets for five people. On top of themast, which is a word meaning "the tall
woodenpost found in the middle of boats," was a grimy white sail controlled by a series of ropes, and on
the floor was a pair of wooden oars in case therewas no wind. In the back, there was a sort ofwooden
lever with a handle for moving it thisway and that, and under one of the seats was a shiny metal bucket
for bailing out any water incase of a leak. There was also a long pole witha fishing net at the end of it, a
small fishing rodwith a sharp hook and a rusty spying glass,which is a sort of telescope used for
navigating.The three siblings struggled into their life vestsas the stormy waves of Lake Lachrymose took
them farther and farther away from the shore.

 "I read a book about working a sailboat,"Klaus shouted over the noise of the hurricane."We have to use
the sail to catch the wind. Thenit will push us where we want to go."

 "And this lever is called a tiller," Violetshouted. "I remember it from studying somenaval blueprints. The
tiller controls the rudder,which is below the water, steering the ship.Sunny, sit in back and work the tiller.
Klaus,hold the atlas so we can tell where we're going,and I'll try to work the sail. I think if I pull onthis
rope, I can control the sail."

 Klaus turned the damp pages of the atlas topage 104. "Thatway," he called, pointing to theright. "The
sun is setting over there, so thatmust be west."
 Sunny scurried to the back of the sailboat and put her tiny hands on the tiller just as a wave hitthe boat
and sprayed her with foam. "Kargtern!" she called, which meant something alongthe lines of "I'm going to
move the tillerthisway, in order to steer the boat according toKlaus's recommendation."

 The rain whipped around them, and the windhowled, and a small wave splashed over the side, but to the
orphans' amazement, the sailboat moved in the exact direction they wanted it to go. If you had come
across the three Baudelaires at this moment, you would have thought their lives were filled with joy and
happiness, because even though they wereexhausted, damp, and in very great danger, theybegan to laugh
in their triumph. They were so relieved that something had finally gone rightthat they laughed as if they
were at the circusinstead of in the middle of a lake, in the middleof a hurricane, in the middle of trouble.

 As the storm wore itself out splashing wavesover the sailboat and flashing lightning overtheir heads, the
Baudelaires sailed the tiny boatacross the vast and dark lake. Violet pulled ropesthis way and that to
catch the wind, which keptchanging direction as wind tends to do. Klauskept a close eye on the atlas and
made surethey weren't heading off course to the WickedWhirlpool or the Rancorous Rocks. And Sunny
kept the boat level by turning the tiller when ever Violet signaled. And just when the eveningturned to
night, and it was too dark to read theatlas, the Baudelaires saw a blinking light ofpale purple. The
orphans had always thoughtlavender was a rather sickly color, but for the first time in their lives they were
glad to see it.It meant that the sailboat was approaching the

 Lavender Lighthouse, and soon they'd be atCurdled Cave. The storm finally broke-theword "broke"
here means "ended," rather than"shattered" or "lost all its money"-and theclouds parted to reveal an
almost-full moon.The children shivered in their soaking clothesand stared out at the calming waves of the
lake,watching the swirls of its inky depths.

"Lake Lachrymose is actually very pretty," Klaus said thoughtfully. "I never noticed itbefore."

"Cind," Sunny agreed, adjusting the tillerslightly.

 "I guess we never noticed it because of AuntJosephine," Violet said. "We got used to looking at the lake
through her eyes." She pickedup the spying glass and squinted into it, and she was just able to see the
shore. "I think I can seethe lighthouse over there. There's a dark holein the cliff right next to it. It must be
the mouthof Curdled Cave."

 Sure enough, as the sailboat drew closerand closer, the children could just make outthe Lavender
Lighthouse and the mouth ofthe nearby cave, but when they looked intoits depths, they could see no sign
of AuntJosephine, or of anything else for that matter.Rocks began to scrape the bottom of the boat,which
meant they were in very shallow water,and Violet jumped out to drag the sailboat onto the craggy shore.
Klaus and Sunny stepped outof the boat and took off their life jackets. Thenthey stood at the mouth of
Curdled Cave andpaused nervously. In front of the cave there wasa sign saying it was for sale, and the
orphanscould not imagine who would want to buy sucha phantasmagorical-the word "phantasmagori-cal"
here means "all the creepy, scary words youcan think of put together"-place. The mouth of the cave had
jagged rocks all over it like teethin the mouth of a shark. Just beyond the entrance the youngsters could
see strange whiterock formations, all melted and twisted togetherso they looked like moldy milk. The
floor of thecave was as pale and dusty as if it were made ofchalk. But it was not these sights that made
thechildren pause. It was the sound coming out ofthe cave. It was a high-pitched, wavering wail,a
hopeless and lost sound, as strange and aseerie as Curdled Cave itself.

"What is that sound?" Violet asked nervously.

"Just the wind, probably," Klaus replied. "Iread somewhere that when wind passes throughsmall spaces,
like caves, it can make weird noises.It's nothing to be afraid of."

The orphans did not move. The sound didnot stop.

"I'm afraid of it, anyway," Violet said.

"Me too," Klaus said.

 "Geni," Sunny said, and began to crawl intothe mouth of the cave. She probably meantsomething along
the lines of "We didn't sail astolen sailboat across Lake Lachrymose in themiddle of Hurricane Herman
just to stand nervously at the mouth of a cave," and her siblings had to agree with her and follow her
inside. Thewailing was louder as it echoed off the walls androck formations, and the Baudelaires could
tellit wasn't the wind. It was Aunt Josephine, sitting in a corner of the cave and sobbing with herhead in
her hands. She was crying so hard thatshe hadn't even noticed the Baudelaires comeinto the cave.

"Aunt Josephine," Klaus said hesitantly,"we're here."

 Aunt Josephine looked up, and the children could see that her face was wet from tears andchalky from
the cave. "You figured it out," shesaid, wiping her eyes and standing up. "I knewyou could figure it out,"
she said, and took eachof the Baudelaires in her arms. She looked atViolet, and then at Klaus, and then
at Sunny,and the orphans looked at her and found themselves with tears in their own eyes as theygreeted
their guardian. It was as if they had notquite believed that Aunt Josephine's deathwas fake until they had
seen her alive with theirown eyes.

"I knew you were clever children," AuntJosephine said. "I knew you would read mymessage."

"Klaus really did it," Violet said.

"But Violet knew how to work the sailboat,"Klaus said. "Without Violet we never wouldhave arrived
here."

"And Sunny stole the keys," Violet said, "andworked the tiller."

"Well, I'm glad you all made it here," AuntJosephine said. "Let me just catch my breathand I'll help you
bring in your things."

The children looked at one another. "Whatthings?" Violet asked.

 "Why, your luggage of course," Aunt Josephine replied. "And I hope you brought somefood, because
the supplies I brought are almostgone."

"We didn't bring any food," Klaus said.

"No food?" Aunt Josephine said. "How in theworld are you going to live with me in this cave if you didn't
bring any food?"

"We didn't come here to live with you,"Violet said.

 Aunt Josephine's hands flew to her head andshe rearranged her bun nervously. "Then whyare you here?"
she asked.
"Stim!" Sunny shrieked, which meant"Because we were worried about you!"

 "'Stim' is not a sentence, Sunny," AuntJosephine said sternly. "Perhaps one of yourolder siblings could
explain in correct English why you're here."

 "Because Captain Sham almost had us in his clutches!" Violet cried. "Everyone thought youwere dead,
and you wrote in your will and testament that we should be placed in the care ofCaptain Sham."

 "But he forced me to do that," Aunt Josephinewhined. "That night, when he called me onthe phone, he
told me he was really Count Olaf.He said I had to write out a will saying you children would be left in his
care. He said if Ididn't write what he said, he would drown mein the lake. I was so frightened that I
agreedimmediately."

 "Why didn't you call the police?" Violet asked. "Why didn't you call Mr. Poe? Why didn't you call
somebody who could havehelped?"

 "You know why," Aunt Josephine said crossly."I'm afraid of using the phone. Why, I was just getting
used to answering it. I'm nowhere nearready to use the numbered buttons. But in anycase, I didn't need
to call anybody. I threw afootstool through the window and then sneakedout of the house. I left you the
note so that youwould know I wasn't really dead, but I hid mymessage so that Captain Sham wouldn't
know Ihad escaped from him."

"Why didn't you take us with you? Why didyou leave us all alone by ourselves? Why didn'tyou protect
us from Captain Sham?" Klausasked.

 "It is not grammatically correct," AuntJosephine said, "to say 'leave us all alone byourselves.' You can
say 'leave us all alone,' or'leave us by ourselves,' but not both. Do youunderstand?"

 The Baudelaires looked at one another insadness and anger. They understood. Theyunderstood that
Aunt Josephine was more concerned with grammatical mistakes than withsaving the lives of the three
children. Theyunderstood that she was so wrapped up in herown fears that she had not given a thoughtto
what might have happened to them. Theyunderstood that Aunt Josephine had been aterrible guardian, in
leaving the children all bythemselves in great danger. They understoodand they wished more than ever
that their parents, who never would have run away and leftthem alone, had not been killed in that terrible
fire which had begun all the misfortune in theBaudelaire lives.

"Well, enough grammar lessons for today,"Aunt Josephine said. "I'm happy to see you, andyou are
welcome to share this cave with me.I don't think Captain Sham will ever find ushere."

 "We're notstaying here'' Violet said impatiently. "We're sailing back to town, and we're taking you with
us."

"No way, Jose," Aunt Josephine said, using an expression which means "No way" and hasnothing to do
with Jose, whoever he is. "I'm toofrightened of Captain Sham to face him. Afterall he's done to you I
would think that youwould be frightened of him, too."

 "Weare frightened of him," Klaus said, "butif we prove that he's really Count Olaf he willgo to jail. You
are the proof. If you tell Mr. Poewhat happened, then Count Olaf will be locked away and we will be
safe."

"You can tell him, if you want to," AuntJosephine said. "I'm staying here."
"He won't believe us unless you come withus and prove that you're alive," Violet said.

"No, no, no," Aunt Josephine said. "I'm tooafraid."

 Violet took a deep breath and faced herfrightened guardian. "We'reall afraid," she saidfirmly. "We were
afraid when we met CaptainSham in the grocery store. We were afraid whenwe thought that you had
jumped out the window. We were afraid to give ourselves allergic reactions, and we were afraid to steal
a sailboat and we were afraid to make our way acrossthis lake in the middle of a hurricane. But that
didn't stop us."

 Aunt Josephine's eyes filled up with tears. "I can't help it that you're braver than I," she said."I'm not
sailing across that lake. I'm not making any phone calls. I'm going to stay right here forthe rest of my life,
and nothing you can say willchange my mind."

 Klaus stepped forward and played his trumpcard, a phrase which means "said somethingvery
convincing, which he had saved for the endof the argument." "Curdled Cave," he said, "isfor sale."

"So what?" Aunt Josephine said.

"That means," Klaus said, "that before longcertain people will come to look at it. And someof those
people"-he paused here dramatically-"will be realtors."

 Aunt Josephine's mouth hung open, and theorphans watched her pale throat swallow in fear."Okay," she
said finally, looking around the caveanxiously as if a realtor were already hiding inthe shadows. "I'll go."




                                                 CHAPTER

                                                    Eleven



"Ohno," Aunt Josephine said.

 The children paid no attention. The worst ofHurricane Herman was over, and as the Baude-laires sailed
across the dark lake there seemedto be very little danger. Violet moved the sailaround with ease now
that the wind wascalm. Klaus looked back at the lavenderlight of the lighthouse and confidently guided
the way back toDamocles Dock. And Sunny movedthe tiller as if she had been a tiller-mover all her life.
Only AuntJosephine was scared. She waswearing two life jackets instead of one, andevery few seconds
she cried "Oh no," eventhough nothing frightening was happening.

"Oh no," Aunt Josephine said, "and I meanit this time."

 "What's wrong, Aunt Josephine?" Violet saidtiredly. The sailboat had reached the approximate middle of
the lake. The water was stillfairly calm, and the lighthouse still glowed, a pinpoint of pale purple light.
There seemed tobe no cause for alarm.
"We're about to enter the territory of theLachrymose Leeches," Aunt Josephine said.

"I'm sure we'll pass through safely," Klaussaid, peering through the spying glass to see if Damocles Dock
was visible yet. "You told usthat the leeches were harmless and only preyedon small fish."

"Unless you've eaten recently," Aunt Josephine said.

 "But it's been hours since we've eaten,"Violet said soothingly. "The last thing we atewere peppermints at
the Anxious Clown. Thatwas in the afternoon, and now it's the middle of the night."

Aunt Josephine looked down, and movedaway from the side of the boat. "But I atea banana," she
whispered, "just before youarrived."

"Oh no," Violet said. Sunny stopped movingthe tiller and looked worriedly into the water.

"I'm sure there's nothing to worry about,"Klaus said. "Leeches are very small animals.If we were in the
water, we might have reasonto fear, but I don't think they'd attack a sailboat. Plus, Hurricane Herman
may have frightened them away from their territory. I bet the Lachrymose Leeches won't even show up."

 Klaus thought he was done speaking for themoment, but in the moment that followed headded one more
sentence. The sentence was"Speak of the Devil," and it is an expressionthat you use when you are talking
about some thing only to have it occur. For instance, if youwere at a picnic and said, "I hope it doesn't
snow," and at that very minute a blizzard began,you could say, "Speak of the Devil" beforegathering up
your blanket and potato salad anddriving away to a good restaurant. But in thecase of the Baudelaire
orphans, I'm sure you canguess what happened to prompt Klaus to usethis expression.

 "Speak of the Devil," Klaus said, looking intothe waters of the lake. Out of the swirling blackness came
skinny, rising shapes, barely visiblein the moonlight. The shapes were scarcelylonger than a finger, and at
first it looked asif someone were swimming in the lake and drumming their fingers on the surface of the
water. But most people have only ten fingers,and in the few minutes that followed there werehundreds of
these tiny shapes, wriggling hungrily from all sides toward the sailboat. TheLachrymose Leeches made a
quiet, whisper ing sound on the water as they swam, as if theBaudelaire orphans were surrounded by
peoplemurmuring terrible secrets. The children watchedin silence as the swarm approached the boat,
each leech knocking lightly against the wood.Their tiny leech-mouths puckered in disappointment as they
tried to taste the sailboat. Leechesare blind, but they aren't stupid, and the Lachrymose Leeches knew
that they were not eatinga banana.

"You see?" Klaus said nervously, as the tappingof leech-mouths continued. "We're perfectlysafe."

 "Yes," Violet said. She wasn't sure they wereperfectly safe, not at all, but it seemed best totell Aunt
Josephine they were perfectly safe."We're perfectly safe," she said.

 The tapping sound continued, getting a littlerougher and louder. Frustration is an interesting emotional
state, because it tends to bring outthe worst in whoever is frustrated. Frustratedbabies tend to throw food
and make a mess.Frustrated citizens tend to execute kings andqueens and make a democracy. And
frustratedmoths tend to bang up against lightbulbs andmake light fixtures all dusty. But unlike babies,
citizens, and moths, leeches are quite unpleasant to begin with. Now that the LachrymoseLeeches were
getting frustrated, everyone onboard the sailboat was quite anxious to see whatwould happen when
frustration brought outthe worst in leeches. For a while, the smallcreatures tried and tried to eat the
wood, buttheir tiny teeth didn't really do anything butmake an unpleasant knocking sound. But then,all at
once, the leeches knocked off, and theBaudelaires watched them wriggle away fromthe sailboat.
 "They're leaving," Klaus said hopefully, butthey weren't leaving. When the leeches hadreached a
considerable distance, they suddenlyswiveled their tiny bodies around and camerushing back to the boat.
With a loudthwack! theleeches all hit the boat more or less at once, andthe sailboat rocked precariously,
a word whichhere means "in a way which almost threw AuntJosephine and the Baudelaire youngsters to
their doom." The four passengers were rockedto and fro and almost fell into the waters of thelake, where
the leeches were wriggling awayagain to prepare for another attack.

 "Yadec!" Sunny shrieked and pointed atthe side of the boat. Yadec, of course, is notgrammatically
correct English, but even AuntJosephine understood that the youngestBaudelaire meant "Look at the
crack in the boatthat the leeches have made!" The crack wasa tiny one, about as long as a pencil and
aboutas wide as a human hair, and it was curved downward so it looked as if the sailboat werefrowning
at them. If the leeches kept hitting theside of the boat, the frown would only get wider.

"We have to sail much faster," Klaus said, "orthis boat will be in pieces in no time."

"But sailing relies on the wind," Violet pointedout. "We can't make the wind go faster."

"I'm frightened!" Aunt Josephine cried."Please don't throw me overboard!"

 "Nobody's going to throw you overboard,"Violet said impatiently, although I'm sorry to tellyou that
Violet was wrong about that. "Take anoar, Aunt Josephine. Klaus, take the other one.If we use the sail,
the tiller,and the oars weshould move more quickly."

 Thwack!The Lachrymose Leeches hit theside of the boat, widening the crack in the side and rocking the
boat again. One of the leecheswas thrown over the side in the impact, andtwisted this way and that on
the floor of the boat, gnashing its tiny teeth as it looked forfood. Grimacing, Klaus walked cautiously over
to it and tried to kick the leech overboard, butit clung onto his shoe and began gnawingthrough the
leather. With a cry of disgust, Klausshook his leg, and the leech fell to the floor ofthe sailboat again,
stretching its tiny neck andopening and shutting its mouth. Violet grabbedthe long pole with the net at the
end of it,scooped up the leech, and tossed it overboard.

Thwack!The crack widened enough that a bitof water began to dribble through, making a small puddle
on the sailboat's floor. "Sunny,"Violet said, "keep an eye on that puddle. Whenit gets bigger, use the
bucket to throw it backin the lake."

 "Mofee!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "Icertainly will." There was the whispering soundas the leeches
swam away to ram the boat again.Klaus and Aunt Josephine began rowing as hardas they could, while
Violet adjusted the sail andkept the net in her hand for any more leecheswho got on board.

 Thwack! Thwack!There were two loud noisesnow, one on the side of the boat and one onthe bottom,
which cracked immediately. Theleeches had divided up into two teams, whichis good news for playing
kickball but bad newsif you are being attacked. Aunt Josephine gave a shriek of terror. Water was now
leaking intothe sailboat in two spots, and Sunny abandonedthe tiller to bail the water back out. Klaus
stopped rowing, and held the oar up without aword. It had several small bite marks in it-thework of the
Lachrymose Leeches.

 "Rowing isn't going to work," he reported toViolet solemnly. "If we row any more these oarswill be
completely eaten."

Violet watched Sunny crawl around with thebucket full of water. "Rowing won't help us, anyway," she
said. "This boat is sinking. Weneed help."

 Klaus looked around at the dark and stillwaters, empty except for the sailboat andswarms of leeches.
"Where can we get help inthe middle of a lake?" he asked.

 "We're going to have to signal for help," Violet said, and reached into her pocket andtook out a ribbon.
Handing Klaus the fishingnet, she used the ribbon to tie her hair up, keeping it out of her eyes. Klaus and
Sunny watchedher, knowing that she only tied her hair up this way when she was thinking of an invention,
andright now they needed an invention quite desperately.

 "That's right," Aunt Josephine said to Violet,"close your eyes. That's what I do when I'mafraid, and it
always makes me feel better toblock out the fear."

"She's not blocking out anything," Klaus saidcrossly. "She's concentrating."

 Klaus was right. Violet concentrated as hardas she could, racking her brain for a good way to signal for
help. She thought of fire alarms.With flashing lights and loud sirens, fire alarmswere an excellent way to
signal for assistance. Although the Baudelaire orphans, of course,sadly knew that sometimes the fire
enginesarrived too late to save people's lives, a firealarm was still a good invention, and Violet triedto
think of a way she could imitate it using thematerials around her. She needed to make aloud sound, to get
somebody's attention. Andshe needed to make a bright light, so thatperson would know where they
were.

Thwack! Thwack!The two teams of leecheshit the boat again, and there was a splash as

 more water came pouring into the sailboat.Sunny started to fill the bucket with water,but Violet reached
forward and took it fromSunny's hands. "Bero?" Sunny shrieked, which meant "Are you crazy?" but
Violet had no timeto answer "No, as a matter of fact I'm not."So she merely said "No," and, holding the
bucket in one hand, began to climb up the mast.It is difficult enough to climb up the mastof a boat, but it
is triple the difficulty if theboat is being rocked by a bunch of hungryleeches, so allow me to advise you
that thisis another thing that you should under nocircumstances try to do. But Violet Baudelaire was a
wunderkind, a German word which heremeans "someone who is able to quickly climbmasts on boats
being attacked by leeches," and soon she was on the top of the swaying mast ofthe boat. She took the
bucket and hung it by its handle on the tip of the mast so it swungthis way and that, the way a bell might
do in abell tower.

 "I don't mean to interrupt you," Klaus called, scooping up a furious leech in the net and tossing it as far
as he could, "but this boat is reallysinking. Please hurry."

 Violet hurried. Hurriedly, she grabbed ahold of a corner of the sail and, taking a deep breathto prepare
herself, jumped back down to thefloor of the boat. Just as she had hoped, the sail ripped as she hurtled
to the ground, slowing herdown and leaving her with a large piece of torncloth. By now the sailboat had
quite a lot of waterin it, and Violet splashed over to Aunt Josephine,avoiding the many leeches that Klaus
was tossing out of the boat as quickly as he could.

"I need your oar," Violet said, wadding the piece of sail up into a ball, "and your hairnet."

"You can have the oar," Aunt Josephine said,handing it over. "But I need my hairnet. Itkeeps my bun in
place."

"Give her the hairnet!" Klaus cried, hoppingup on one of the seats as a leech tried to bite hisknee.
"But I'm scared of having hair in my face,"Aunt Josephine whined, just as another pair ofthwack!shit the
boat.

"I don't have time to argue with you!" Violetcried. "I'm trying to save each of our lives! Giveme your
hairnet right now!"

 "The expression," Aunt Josephine said, "issavingall of our lives, noteach of our lives" butViolet had
heard enough. Splashing forward andavoiding a pair of wriggling leeches, the eldestBaudelaire reached
forward and grabbed AuntJosephine's hairnet off of her head. She wrappedthe crumpled part of the sail
in the hairnet, andthen grabbed the fishing pole and attached the messy ball of cloth to the fishhook. It
looked like she was about to go fishing for some kind of fish that liked sailboats and hair accessoriesfor
food.

 Thwack! Thwack!The sailboat tilted to oneside and then to the other. The leeches hadalmost smashed
their way through the side.Violet took the oar and began to rub it up anddown the side of the boat as fast
and as hard asshe could.

"What are you doing?" Klaus asked, catchingthree leeches in one swoop of his net.

 "I'm trying to create friction," Violet said."If I rub two pieces of wood enough, I'll createfriction. Friction
creates sparks. When I get aspark, I'll set the cloth and hairnet on fire anduse it as a signal."

"You want to set a fire?" Klaus cried. "But afire will mean more danger."

 "Not if I wave the fire over my head, usingthe fishing pole," Violet said. "I'll do that, andhit the bucket
like a bell, and that should createenough of a signal to fetch us some help." Sherubbed and rubbed the
oar against the side ofthe boat, but no sparks appeared. The sad truthwas that the wood was too wet
from HurricaneHerman and from Lake Lachrymose to createenough friction to start a fire. It was a good
idea,but Violet realized, as she rubbed and rubbedwithout any result, that it was the wrong idea.

 Thwack! Thwack!Violet looked around at AuntJosephine and her terrified siblings and felthope leak out
of her heart as quickly as waterwas leaking into the boat. "It's not working,"Violet said miserably, and felt
tears fall down hercheeks. She thought of the promise she madeto her parents, shortly before they were
killed,that she would always take care of her youngersiblings. The leeches swarmed around the sinking
boat, and Violet feared that she had not livedup to her promise. "It's not working," she saidagain, and
dropped the oar in despair. "We needa fire, but I can't invent one."

"It's okay," Klaus said, even though of courseit was not. "We'll think of something."

 "Tintet," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of "Don't cry. You triedyour best," but Violet
cried anyway. It is veryeasy to say that the important thing is to try yourbest, but if you are in real trouble
the mostimportant thing is not trying your best, but getting to safety. The boat rocked back and forth,and
water poured through the cracks, and Violetcried because it looked like they would neverget to safety.
Her shoulders shaking with sobs,she held the spying glass up to her eye to see if, by any chance, there
was a boat nearby, or if thetide had happened to carry the sailboat to shore, but all she could see was the
moonlight reflecting on the rippling waters of the lake. And thiswas a lucky thing. Because as soon as
Violet sawthe flickering reflection, she remembered the scientific principles of the convergence and
refraction of light.

The scientific principles of the convergence and refraction of light are very confusing, and quite frankly I
can't make head or tail of them,even when my friend Dr. Lorenz explains themto me. But they made
perfect sense to Violet.Instantly, she thought of a story her father hadtold her, long ago, when she was
just beginning to be interested in science. When her father wasa boy, he'd had a dreadful cousin who
liked toburn ants, starting a fire by focusing the lightof the sun with her magnifying glass. Burningants, of
course, is an abhorrent hobby-theword "abhorrent" here means "what Count Olafused to do when he
was about your age"-butremembering the story made Violet see that shecould use the lens of the spying
glass to focusthe light of the moon and make a fire. Without wasting another moment, she grabbed the
spying glass and removed the lens, and then,looking up at the moon, tilted the lens at anangle she hastily
computed in her head.

 The moonlight passed through the lens andwas concentrated into a long, thin band of light,like a glowing
thread leading right to the piece of sail, held in a ball by Aunt Josephine's hairnet. In a moment the thread
had become a smallflame.

"It's miraculous!" Klaus cried, as the flametook hold.

"It's unbelievable!" Aunt Josephine cried.

"Fonti!" Sunny shrieked.

 "It's the scientific principles of the convergence and refraction of light!" Violet cried,wiping her eyes.
Stepping carefully to avoidonboard leeches and so as not to put out the fire,she moved to the front of the
boat. With one hand, she took the oar and rang the bucket,making a loud sound to get somebody's
attention. With the other hand, she held the fishingrod up high, making a bright light so the personwould
know where they were. Violet looked upat her homemade signaling device that hadfinally caught fire, all
because of a silly story herfather had told her. Her father's ant-burningcousin sounded like a dreadful
person, but if shehad suddenly appeared on the sailboat Violetwould have given her a big grateful hug.

 As it turned out, however, this signal was amixed blessing, a phrase which means "something half good
and half bad." Somebody sawthe signal almost immediately, somebody whowas already sailing in the
lake, and who headedtoward the Baudelaires in an instant. Violet,Klaus, Sunny, and even Aunt
Josephine allgrinned as they saw another boat sail into view.They were being rescued, and that was the
good half. But their smiles began to fade as theboat drew closer and they saw who was sailingit. Aunt
Josephine and the orphans saw thewooden peg leg, and the navy-blue sailor cap,and the eye patch, and
they knew who wascoming to their aid. It was Captain Sham, ofcourse, and he was probably the worst
half inthe world.




                                                 CHAPTER

                                                   Twelve



 "Welcomeaboard," Captain Sham said, witha wicked grin that showed his filthy teeth."I'm happy to see
you all. I thought you hadbeen killed when the old lady's house felloff the hill, but luckily my associate told
meyou had stolen a boat and run away.And you, Josephine-I thoughtyou'd done the sensible thing Uand
jumped out the window.""I tried to do the sensiblething," Aunt Josephine said sourly. "But these children
came and got me."

 Captain Sham smiled. He had expertlysteered his sailboat so it was alongside the onethe Baudelaires
had stolen, and Aunt Josephineand the children had stepped over the swarming leeches to come aboard.
With a gurglywhoosh!their own sailboat was overwhelmedwith water and quickly sank into the depthsof
the lake. The Lachrymose Leeches swarmedaround the sinking sailboat, gnashing theirtiny teeth. "Aren't
you going to say thank you,orphans?" Captain Sham asked, pointing tothe swirling place in the lake
where their sailboat had been. "If it weren't for me, all of youwould be divided up into the stomachs of
thoseleeches."

"If it weren't for you," Violet said fiercely, "we wouldn't be in Lake Lachrymose to beginwith."

"You can blamethat on the old woman," hesaid, pointing to Aunt Josephine. "Faking yourown death
was pretty clever, but not cleverenough. The Baudelaire fortune-and, unfortunately, the brats who come
with it-now belongto me."

"Don't be ridiculous," Klaus said. "We don'tbelong to you and we never will. Once we tellMr. Poe what
happened he will send you tojail."

"Is that so?" Captain Sham said, turning thesailboat around and sailing toward DamoclesDock. His one
visible eye was shining brightly as if he were telling a joke. "Mr. Poe will sendme to jail, eh? Why, Mr.
Poe is putting finishingtouches on your adoption papers this verymoment. In a few hours, you orphans
will beViolet, Klaus, and Sunny Sham."

"Neihab!" Sunny shrieked, which meant"I'm Sunny Baudelaire, and I will always beSunny Baudelaire
unless I decide for myself tolegally change my name!"

"When we explain that you forced AuntJosephine to write that note," Violet said,

"Mr. Poe will rip up those adoption papers intoa thousand pieces."

"Mr. Poe won't believe you," Captain Shamsaid, chuckling. "Why should he believe threerunaway
pipsqueaks who go around stealingboats?"

"Because we're telling the truth!" Klauscried.

 "Truth, schmuth," Captain Sham said. If youdon't care about something, one way to demonstrate your
feelings is to say the word and thenrepeat the word with the letters S-C-H-Mreplacing the real first
letters. Somebody whodidn't care about dentists, for instance, couldsay "Dentists, schmentists." But only
a despicable person like Captain Sham wouldn't careabout the truth. "Truth, schmuth," he said again."I
think Mr. Poe is more likely to believe theowner of a respectable sailboat rental place, whowent out in
the middle of a hurricane to rescuethree ungrateful boat thieves."

 "We only stole the boat," Violet said, "toretrieve Aunt Josephine from her hiding place so she could tell
everyone about your terribleplan."

"But nobody will believe the old woman,either," Captain Sham said impatiently. "Nobodybelieves a dead
woman."

"Are you blind inboth eyes?" Klaus asked."Aunt Josephine isn't dead!"
 Captain Sham smiled again, and looked outat the lake. Just a few yards away the waterwas rippling as
the Lachrymose Leeches swamtoward Captain Sham's sailboat. After searching every inch of the
Baudelaires' boat and failing to find any food, the leeches had realizedthey had been tricked and were
once againfollowing the scent of banana still lingering onAunt Josephine. "She's not deadyet" Captain
Sham said, in a terrible voice, and took a steptoward her.

"Oh no," she said. Her eyes were wide withfear. "Don't throw me overboard," she pleaded."Please!"

 "You're not going to reveal my plan to Mr.Poe," Captain Sham said, taking another steptoward the
terrified woman, "because you willbe joining your beloved Ike at the bottom of thelake."

 "No she won't," Violet said, grabbing a rope."I will steer us to shore before you can do anything about
it."

"I'll help," Klaus said, running to the backand grabbing the tiller.

 "Igal!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "And I'll guard AuntJosephine." She
crawled in front of the Baude-laires' guardian and bared her teeth at CaptainSham.

 "I promise not to say anything to Mr. Poe!"Aunt Josephine said desperately. "I'll go someplace and hide
away, and never show my face!You can tell him I'm dead! You can have thefortune! You can have the
children! Just don'tthrow me to the leeches!"

The Baudelaires looked at their guardian inhorror. "You're supposed to be caring for us,"Violet told
Aunt Josephine in astonishment,"not putting us up for grabs!"

Captain Sham paused, and seemed to consider Aunt Josephine's offer. "You have a point,"he said. "I
don't necessarily have to kill you. People just have tothink that you're dead."

"I'll change my name!" Aunt Josephine said."I'll dye my hair! I'll wear colored contactlenses! And I'll go
very, very far away! Nobodywill ever hear from me!"

"But what about us, Aunt Josephine?" Klaus asked in horror. "What aboutus ?"

 "Be quiet, orphan," Captain Sham snapped. The Lachrymose Leeches reached the sailboatand began
tapping on the wooden side. "Theadults are talking. Now, old woman, I wish Icould believe you. But you
hadn't been a verytrustworthy person."

"Haven'tbeen," Aunt Josephine corrected,wiping a tear from her eye.

"What?" Captain Sham asked.

"You made a grammatical error," AuntJosephine said. "You said 'But you hadn't beena very trustworthy
person,' but you should havesaid, 'youhaven't been a very trustworthyperson.'"

 Captain Sham's one shiny eye blinked, andhis mouth curled up in a terrible smile. "Thankyou for pointing
that out," he said, and took onelast step toward Aunt Josephine. Sunny growled at him, and he looked
down and in one swift gesture moved his peg leg and knocked Sunnyto the other end of his boat. "Let
me makesure I completely understand the grammaticallesson," he said to the Baudelaires' trembling
guardian, as if nothing had happened. "Youwouldn't say 'Josephine Anwhistlehad beenthrown overboard
to the leeches,' because that would be incorrect. But if you said 'Josephine Anwhistlehas been thrown
overboard to the leeches,' that would be all right with you."

"Yes," Aunt Josephine said. "I meanno.I mean-"

But Aunt Josephine never got to say what shemeant. Captain Sham faced her and, using bothhands,
pushed her over the side of the boat.With a little gasp and a big splash she fell into the waters of Lake
Lachrymose.

"Aunt Josephine!"Violet cried."Aunt Josephine!"

 Klaus leaned over the side of the boat andstretched his hand out as far as he could.Thanks to her two
life jackets, Aunt Josephinewas floating on top of the water, waving herhands in the air as the leeches
swam toward her.But Captain Sham was already pulling at theropes of the sail, and Klaus couldn't reach
her."Youfiend!"he shouted at Captain Sham. "You evil fiend!"

"That's no way to talk to your father,"Captain Sham said calmly.

Violet tried to tug a rope out of CaptainSham's hand. "Move the sailboat back!" sheshouted. "Turn the
boat around!"

 "Not a chance," he replied smoothly. "Wavegood-bye to the old woman, orphans. You'llnever see her
again."

 Klaus leaned over as far as he could. "Don'tworry, Aunt Josephine!" he called, but his voicerevealed that
he was very worried himself.The boat was already quite a ways from Aunt Josephine, and the orphans
could only see thewhite of her hands as she waved them over thedark water.

 "She has a chance," Violet said quietly toKlaus as they sailed toward the dock. "She hasthose life
jackets, and she's a strong swimmer."

"That's true," Klaus said, his voice shaky andsad. "She's lived by the lake her whole life.Maybe she
knows of an escape route."

"Legru," Sunny said quietly, which meant"All we can do is hope."

 The three orphans huddled together, shivering in cold and fear, as Captain Sham sailedthe boat by
himself. They didn't dare doanything but hope. Their feelings for AuntJosephine were all a tumble in their
minds. TheBaudelaires had not really enjoyed most of theirtime with her-not because she cooked horrible
cold meals, or chose presents for them thatthey didn't like, or always corrected the children's grammar,
but because she was so afraidof everything that she made it impossible toreally enjoy anything at all. And
the worst ofit was, Aunt Josephine's fear had made her abad guardian. A guardian is supposed to stay
with children and keep them safe, but AuntJosephine had run away at the first sign ofdanger. A guardian
is supposed to help childrenin times of trouble, but Aunt Josephine practically had to be dragged out of
the Curdled Cavewhen they needed her. And a guardian is supposed to protect children from danger,
but AuntJosephine had offered the orphans to CaptainSham in exchange for her own safety.

 But despite all of Aunt Josephine's faults, theorphans still cared about her. She had taught them many
things, even if most of them wereboring. She had provided a home, even if it wascold and unable to
withstand hurricanes. Andthe children knew that Aunt Josephine, like the Baudelaires themselves, had
experienced someterrible things in her life. So as their guardianfaded from view and the lights of
DamoclesDock approached closer and closer, Violet,Klaus, and Sunny did not think "Josephine,
schmosephine." They thought "We hope AuntJosephine is safe."

 Captain Sham sailed the boat right up tothe shore and tied it expertly to the dock."Come along, little
idiots," he said, and led the Baudelaires to the tall metal gate with the glistening spikes on top, where Mr.
Poe was waiting with his handkerchief in his hand and a lookof relief on his face. Next to Mr. Poe was
theBrobdingnagian creature, who gazed at themwith a triumphant expression on his or her face.

 "You're safe!" Mr. Poe said. "Thank goodness! We were so worried about you! WhenCaptain Sham
and I reached the Anwhistle home and saw that it had fallen into the sea,we thought you were done for!"

"It is lucky my associate told me that theyhad stolen a sailboat," Captain Sham toldMr. Poe. "The boat
was nearly destroyed byHurricane Herman, and by a swarm of leeches.I rescued them just in time."

"He did not!" Violet shouted. "He threwAunt Josephine into the lake! We have to go andrescue her!"

"The children are upset and confused,"Captain Sham said, his eye shining. "As theirfather, I think they
need a good night's sleep."

"He's not our father!" Klaus shouted. "He's Count Olaf, and he's a murderer! Please, Mr.Poe, alert the
police! We have to save AuntJosephine!"

 "Oh, dear," Mr. Poe said, coughing into hishandkerchief. "You certainlyare confused,Klaus. Aunt
Josephine is dead, remember? She threw herself out the window."

 "No, no," Violet said. "Her suicide note had a secret message in it. Klaus decoded the noteand it said
'Curdled Cave.' Actually, it said'apostrophe Curdled Cave,' but the apostrophewas just to get our
attention."

"You're not making any sense," Mr. Poe said."What cave? What apostrophe?"

"Klaus," Violet said, "show Mr. Poe thenote."

"You can show it to him in the morning,"Captain Sham said, in a falsely soothing tone."You need a good
night's sleep. My associatewill take you to my apartment while I stayhere and finish the adoption
paperwork withMr. Poe."

"But-" Klaus said.

"But nothing," Captain Sham said. "You're very distraught, which means 'upset.'"

"Iknow what it means," Klaus said.

"Pleaselisten to us," Violet begged Mr. Poe."It's a matter of life or death.Please just take alook at the
note."

 "You can show it to him," Captain Sham said,his voice rising in anger,"in the morning. Nowplease
follow my associate to my minivan andgo straight to bed."

"Hold on a minute, Captain Sham," Mr. Poesaid. "If it upsets the children so much, I'll take a look at the
note. It will only take a moment."
 "Thank you," Klaus said in relief, andreached into his pocket for the note. But as soonas he reached
inside his face fell in disappointment, and I'm sure you can guess why. If youplace a piece of paper in
your pocket, and thensoak yourself in a hurricane, the piece of paper,no matter how important it is, will
turn intoa soggy mess. Klaus pulled a damp lump outof his pocket, and the orphans looked at theremains
of Aunt Josephine's note. You couldscarcely tell that it had been a piece of paper,let alone read the note
or the secret it contained.

"Thiswas the note," Klaus said, holding itout to Mr. Poe. "You'll just have to take ourword for it that
Aunt Josephine was still alive."

"And she mightstill be alive!" Violet cried."Please,Mr. Poe, send someone to rescue her!"

"Oh my, children," Mr. Poe said. "You're sosad and worried. But you don't have to worryanymore. I
have always promised to provide foryou, and I think Captain Sham will do an excellent job of raising
you. He has a steady businessand doesn't seem likely to throw himself out ofa window. And it's obvious
he cares for you verymuch-why, he went out alone, in the middleof a hurricane, to search for you."

"The only thing he cares about," Klaus saidbitterly, "is our fortune."

"Why, that's not true," Captain Sham said. "Idon't want a penny of your fortune. Except, ofcourse, to
pay for the sailboat you stole andwrecked."

 Mr. Poe frowned, and coughed into his handkerchief. "Well, that's a surprising request," hesaid, "but I
suppose that can be arranged. Now,children, please go to your new home whileI make the final
arrangements with CaptainSham. Perhaps we'll have time for breakfasttomorrow before I head back to
the city."

"Please," Violet cried."Please, won't you listento us?"

"Please"Klaus cried."Please, won't youbelieve us?"

 Sunny did not say anything. Sunny had notsaid anything for a long time, and if her siblingshadn't been so
busy trying to reason with Mr.Poe, they would have noticed that she wasn't even looking up to watch
everyone talking. During this whole conversation, Sunny waslooking straight ahead, and if you are a baby
thismeans looking at people's legs. The leg she waslooking at was Captain Sham's. She wasn't looking at
his right leg, which was perfectly normal,but at his peg leg. She was looking at the stump of dark polished
wood, attached to his left kneewith a curved metal hinge, and concentratingvery hard.

 It may surprise you to learn that at thismoment, Sunny resembled the famous Greekconqueror Alexander
the Great. Alexander theGreat lived more than two thousand years ago,and his last name was not actually
"The Great.""The Great" was something that he forcedpeople to call him, by bringing a bunch of soldiers
into their land and proclaiming himselfking. Besides invading other people's countriesand forcing them to
do whatever he said,Alexander the Great was famous for somethingcalled the Gordian Knot. The
Gordian Knot wasa fancy knot tied in a piece of rope by a king named Gordius. Gordius said that if
Alexandercould untie it, he could rule the whole kingdom.But Alexander, who was too busy conquering
places to learn how to untie knots, simply drewhis sword and cut the Gordian Knot in two. Thiswas
cheating, of course, but Alexander had toomany soldiers for Gordius to argue, and soon everybody in
Gordium had to bow down to You-Know-Who the Great. Ever since then, adifficult problem can be
called a Gordian Knot, and if you solve the problem in a simple way-even if the way is rude-you are
cutting theGordian Knot.
 The problem the Baudelaire orphans wereexperiencing could certainly be called a GordianKnot,
because it looked impossible to solve.The problem, of course, was that CaptainSham's despicable plan
was about to succeed,and the way to solve it was to convince Mr. Poeof what was really going on. But
with AuntJosephine thrown in the lake, and her note aruined lump of wet paper, Violet and Klaus were
unable to convince Mr. Poe of anything. Sunny,however, stared at Captain Sham's peg leg andthought of
a simple, if rude, way of solving theproblem.

 As all the taller people argued and paidno attention to Sunny, the littlest Baudelairecrawled as close as
she could to the peg leg,opened her mouth and bit down as hard as shecould. Luckily for the
Baudelaires, Sunny'steeth were as sharp as the sword of Alexanderthe Great, and Captain Sham's peg
leg splitright in half with acrack! that made everybodylook down.

 As I'm sure you've guessed, the peg leg was fake, and it split open to reveal Captain Sham'sreal leg,
pale and sweaty from knee to toes. Butit was neither the knee nor the toes that interested everyone. It
was the ankle. For there onthe pale and sweaty skin of Captain Sham wasthe solution to their problem.
By biting the pegleg, Sunny had cut the Gordian Knot, for as thewooden pieces of fake peg leg fell to the
floorof Damocles Dock, everyone could see a tattooof an eye.




                                                CHAPTER

                                                  Thirteen



 Mr.Poe looked astonished. Violet lookedrelieved. Klaus looked assuaged, whichis a fancy word for
"relieved" that hehad learned by reading a magazinearticle. Sunny looked triumphant. The person who
looked like neither a mannor a woman looked disappointed.And Count Olaf-it is such a reliefto call him
by his true name-atfirst looked afraid, butin a blinkof his one shiny eye, he twisted his face to makeit look
as astonished as Mr. Poe's.

 "My leg!" Count Olaf cried, in a voice of falsejoy. "My leg has grown back! It's amazing! It's wonderful!
It's a medical miracle!"

"Oh come now," Mr. Poe said, folding hisarms. "That won't work. Even a child can seethat your peg leg
was false."

"A childdid see it," Violet whispered toKlaus."Three children, in fact."

 "Well, maybe the peg leg was false," CountOlaf admitted, and took a step backward. "ButI've never
seen this tattoo in my life."

 "Oh come now," Mr. Poe said again. "Thatwon't work, either. You tried to hide the tattoowith the peg
leg, but now we can see that youare really Count Olaf."

"Well, maybe the tattoo is mine," Count Olafadmitted, and took another step backward. "ButI'm not this
Count Olaf person. I'm CaptainSham. See, I have a business card here thatsays so."
 "Oh come now," Mr. Poe said yet again. "That won't work. Anyone can go to a printshop and have
cards made that say anythingthey like."

 "Well, maybe I'm not Captain Sham," CountOlaf admitted, "but the children still belong tome. Josephine
said that they did."

 "Oh come now," Mr. Poe said for the fourthand final time. "That won't work. Aunt Josephine left the
children to Captain Sham, notto Count Olaf. And you are Count Olaf, not Captain Sham. So it is once
again up to me todecide who will care for the Baudelaires. I willsend these three youngsters somewhere
else,and I will send you to jail. You have performedyour evil deeds for the last time, Olaf. You triedto
steal the Baudelaire fortune by marryingViolet. You tried to steal the Baudelaire fortuneby murdering
Uncle Monty."

 "And this," Count Olaf growled, "was mygreatest plan yet." He reached up and tore offhis
eyepatch-which was fake, of course, likehis peg leg-and stared at the Baudelaires withboth of his shiny
eyes. "I don't like to brag-actually, why should I lie to you fools any more?-Ilove to brag, and forcing
that stupid old woman to write that note was really something to brag about. What a ninny Josephine
was!"

"She was not a ninny!" Klaus cried. "She waskind and sweet!"

 "Sweet?"Count Olaf repeated, with a horrible smile. "Well, at this very moment theLachrymose Leeches
are probably finding hervery sweet indeed. She might be the sweetest breakfast they ever ate."

 Mr. Poe frowned, and coughed into his whitehandkerchief. "That's enough of your revoltingtalk, Olaf,"
he said sternly. "We've caught you now, and there's no way you'll be getting away.The Lake Lachrymose
Police Department willbe happy to capture a known criminal wantedfor fraud, murder, and the
endangerment ofchildren."

"And arson," Count Olaf piped up.

 "I said that's enough"Mr. Poe growled. CountOlaf, the Baudelaire orphans, and even the massive
creature looked surprised that Mr. Poe hadspoken so sternly. "You have preyed upon thesechildren for
the last time, and I am makingabsolutely sure that you are handed over to theproper authorities.
Disguising yourself won't work. Telling lies won't work. In fact there'snothing at all you can do about your
situation."

"Really?" Count Olaf said, and his filthy lips curved up in a smile. "I can think of somethingthat I can do."

"And what," said Mr. Poe, "is that?"

 Count Olaf looked at each one of theBaudelaire orphans, giving each one a smile as ifthe children were
tiny chocolates he was savingto eat for later. Then he smiled at the massivecreature, and then, slowly, he
smiled at Mr. Poe."I can run," he said, and ran. Count Olaf ran, withthe massive creature lumbering
behind him, inthe direction of the heavy metal gate.

 "Get back here!" Mr. Poe shouted. "Get backhere in the name of the law! Get back herein the name of
justice and righteousness! Get back here in the name of Mulctuary MoneyManagement!"

"We can't just shout at them!" Violet shouted."Come on! We have to chase them!"
 "I'm not going to allow children to chase aftera man like that," Mr. Poe said, and called outagain, "Stop,
I say! Stop right there!"

"We can't let them escape!" Klaus cried."Come on, Violet! Come on, Sunny!"

"No, no, this is no job for children," Mr. Poesaid. "Wait here with your sisters, Klaus. I'llretrieve them.
They won't get away from Mr.Poe.You, there! Stop!"

"But we can't wait here!" Violet cried. "Wehave to get into a sailboat and look for AuntJosephine! She
may still be alive!"

 "You Baudelaire children are under my care,"Mr. Poe said firmly. "I'm not going to let small children sail
around unaccompanied."

"But if we hadn't sailed unaccompanied,"Klaus pointed out, "we'd be in Count Olaf'sclutches by now!"

"That's not the point," Mr. Poe said, andbegan to walk quickly toward Count Olaf andthe creature. "The
point is-"

 But the children didn't hear the point overthe loudslam! of the tall metal gate. The creature had slammed
it shut just as Mr. Poe hadreached it.

 "Stop immediately!" Mr. Poe ordered, calling through the gate. "Come back here, you unpleasant
person!" He tried to open the tallgate and found it locked. "It's locked!" he criedto the children. "Where
is the key? We mustfind the key!"

 The Baudelaires rushed to the gate butstopped as they heard a jingling sound. "I havethe key," said
Count Olaf's voice, from the otherside of the gate. "But don't worry. I'll see yousoon, orphans.Very
soon."

 "Open this gate immediately!" Mr. Poeshouted, but of course nobody opened the gate.He shook it and
shook it, but the spiky metalgate never opened. Mr. Poe hurried to a phonebooth and called the police,
but the childrenknew that by the time help arrived Count Olafwould be long gone. Utterly exhausted and
more than utterly miserable, the Baudelaireorphans sank to the ground, sitting glumly inthe very same spot
where we found them at thebeginning of this story.

 In the first chapter, you will remember, theBaudelaires were sitting on their suitcases,hoping that their
lives were about to get a littlebit better, and I wish I could tell you, here atthe end of the story, that it was
so. I wish I couldwrite that Count Olaf was captured as he triedto flee, or that Aunt Josephine came
swimmingup to Damocles Dock, having miraculouslyescaped from the Lachrymose Leeches. Butit was
not so. As the children sat on the dampground, Count Olaf was already halfway acrossthe lake and
would soon be on board a train,disguised as a rabbi to fool the police, and I'msorry to tell you that he
was already concoctinganother scheme to steal the Baudelaire fortune.And we can never know exactly
what was happening to Aunt Josephine as the children saton the dock, unable to help her, but I will say
that eventually-about the time when theBaudelaire orphans were forced to attend a miserable boarding
school-two fishermen foundboth of Aunt Josephine's life jackets, all in tatters and floating alone in the
murky waters ofLake Lachrymose.

 In most stories, as you know, the villain wouldbe defeated, there would be a happy ending,and
everybody would go home knowing themoral of the story. But in the case of theBaudelaires everything
was wrong. Count Olaf, the villain, had not succeeded with his evil plan,but he certainly hadn't been
defeated, either.You certainly couldn't say that there was a happyending. And the Baudelaires could not
go homeknowing the moral of the story, for the simplereason that they could not go home at all. Notonly
had Aunt Josephine's house fallen into thelake, but the Baudelaires' real home-the housewhere they had
lived with their parents-wasjust a pile of ashes in a vacant lot, and theycouldn't go back there no matter
how muchthey wanted to.

 But even if they could go home it wouldbe difficult for me to tell you what the moral of the story is. In
some stories, it's easy. The moralof "The Three Bears," for instance, is "Neverbreak into someone else's
house." The moral of"Snow White" is "Never eat apples." The moralof World War One is "Never
assassinate Archduke Ferdinand." But Violet, Klaus, and Sunnysat on the dock and watched the sun
come up over Lake Lachrymose and wondered exactlywhat the moral was of their time with Aunt
Josephine.

 The expression "It dawned on them," whichI am about to use, does not have anything to dowith the
sunlight spreading out over DamoclesDock. "It dawned on them" simply means"They figured something
out," and as theBaudelaire orphans sat and watched the dockfill with people as the business of the day
began, they figured out something that was very important to them. It dawned on them that unlikeAunt
Josephine, who had lived up in that house,sad and alone, the three children had oneanother for comfort
and support over the courseof their miserable lives. And while this did not make them feel entirely safe,
or entirely happy,it made them feel appreciative.

 "Thank you, Klaus," Violet said appreciatively, "for figuring out that note. And thankyou, Sunny, for
stealing the keys to the sailboat.If it weren't for the two of you we would nowbe in Count Olaf's
clutches."

"Thank you, Violet," Klaus said appreciatively, "for thinking of the peppermints to gainus some time.
And thank you, Sunny, for biting the peg leg just at the right moment. If it weren't for the two of you, we
would now be doomed."

 "Pilums," Sunny said appreciatively, and her siblings understood at once that she was thanking Violet for
inventing the signaling device,and thanking Klaus for reading the atlas andguiding them to Curdled Cave.

 They leaned up against one another appreciatively, and small smiles appeared on their damp and anxious
faces. They had each other.I'm not sure that "The Baudelaires had eachother" is the moral of this story,
but to the threesiblings it was enough. To have each other inthe midst of their unfortunate lives felt like
having a sailboat in the middle of a hurricane,and to the Baudelaire orphans this felt very fortunate indeed.




                                        LEMONY SNICKET was

                                           born before you were

                                   and islikely to die before you as well.

                                   A studied expert in rhetoricalanalysis,
                                Mr. Snicket has spentthe last several eras

                                 researchingthe travails of the Baudelaire

                                 orphans. His findings are beingpublished

                                        serially by HarperCollins.

                            Visit him on the Web atwww.lemonysnicket.com




To My Kind Editor,

 I am writing to you from the PaltryvilleTown Hall, where I have convinced the mayor to allow me inside
the eye-shaped office ofDr. Orwell in order to further investigatewhat happened to the Baudelaire
orphanswhile they were living in the area.

Next Friday, a black jeep will be inthe northwest corner of the parking lotof the Orion Observatory.
Break into it.In the glove compartment, you should find my description of this frightening chapter in the
Baudelaires' lives, entitled THEMISERABLE MILL, as well as some informationon hypnosis, a surgical
mask, and sixty-eight sticks of gum. I have also includedthe blueprint of the pincher machine, which I
believe Mr. Helquist will find useful forhis illustrations.

Remember, you are my last hope thatthe tales of the Baudelaire orphans canfinally be told to the general
public.

                                          With all due respect,

                                                                                         Lemony Snicket




About this Title
This eBook was created using ReaderWorks®Publisher 2.0, produced by OverDrive, Inc.


For more information about ReaderWorks, please visit us on the Web at
www.overdrive.com/readerworks