NEWS SPINNING AFTER THE TIME BEFORE
by Philip I. Jones

*The Time Before was our time. Then Great Cthulhu rose from R'lyeh and laid waste to the world. However, It kept some of the things that pleased It: television, baseball figures with wobbly heads, courts, and more. Its minions rule where once we ruled; Its minions tread where once we trod; Its minions watch TV where once we watched TV.* 
"Children! Into the Shrine Room now!" screeches Mrs. Twister. Her whelps undulate into the chamber, which holds a television, an icon of Great Cthulhu above it, and a huge easy chair opposite. 
"We've talked about all this before, but I want to go over it one more time. This is very important! You will all undergo the Rite of Majority soon, and you must learn how to behave like adults. Jugego! Stop playing with that dagger! Pay attention! 
"Now. We're going to see the evening news. Voatyc! Stop teasing your brother! This has got to stop! 
"We're going to see the evening news. You must pay attention to the newsthing, because it will ask a question about the news. If you can't answer the question you will be *punished!*" 
The whelps grow quiet. "Yes, you know about punishment, don't you? Here comes Mister Twister. Be quiet, pay attention, remember what I told you!" 
Mister Twister shambles into the room with a warm beverage, adjusts a few appendages, and lowers himself into the easy chair. 
The television activates itself. After a moment the screen comes to life, displaying the symbol of the Cthulhu News Network. The newsthing replaces it, sitting at a plastic desk and holding a sheaf of parchment. *Good evening, New Earthlings. Let us praise Cthulhu.* 
The Twisters reply in unison, "We praise It every day." 
The newsthing announces, *I'm Zon Rathernot with today's news. But first,* it chortles, *we have a shirker in our midst. Say hello to Mister Ripple of Cranston Heights, New Jersey.* The image cuts to a living room, in which a male makes rude gestures at the camera. His mouths move but no sound comes from the TV. *He has forgotten his duty, hasn't he, folks? Great Cthulhu is our president, but Mister Ripple doesn't want to sit quietly and absorb Its daily wisdom.* 
In the darkness behind Mr. Ripple, a misty darkness roils out of the shadows. Tendrils surround him, obscure him from view, and recede. Once they leave, Mr. Ripple is nowhere to be seen. 
*On to our headlines,* Rathernot pronounces. *Today's crisis: worker shoggoths have revolted in the Vermont mines. There is no cause for alarm. Our Ruler's Star-Spawn were called to the scene and have subdued the uprising.* The screen shows Star-Spawn troopers handily dispatching a crowd of listless shoggoths in a desert. *However, citizens must not travel to Vermont for the next several days, and residents should stay inside their homes.* 
Little Jugego whispers, "There's no desert in Vermont! He's lying!" 
Mrs. Twister slaps him. "The news never lies! Remember that!" 
Rathernot lays aside a parchment. *Great Cthulhu will once again attempt to raise the continent of Atlantis. Citizens are reminded that they should make their sacrifices - * 
"Shut up!" 
"No, you shut up!" 
"Quiet, children. Quiet! QUIET!!" barks Mrs. Twister. 
* - and don't forget what happened after the raising of Mu. You can expect to see a similar increase in ocean levels. We'll be right back after these messages.* 
Mr. Twister remains seated in stony silence. Mrs. Twister cuffs several of the whelps. "See what you've done! We've probably missed the key fact in the news, and that means Father will be very angry." 
A commercial begins. Two youngsters sit at a stone table and stare at bowls of gruel set before them. *I won't eat it,* says one. 
*Give it to Yekim,* says the other, *he'll eat anything.* 
A smaller one at the end of the table looks at a similar bowl. He extrudes a pulpy nozzle, tentatively sniffs at the concoction, then suctions away the entire bowlful. The others stare in amazement. *He likes it! Yekim likes it!* 
An announcer chimes in, *Yes, everyone likes Salient Grain! It's good, and it's good for you! Remember, Salient Grain is people!* 
The symbol for Cthulhu Television appears, then fades into a scene on a riverbank, where a grim-faced male faces a large reptile. 
A voice says, *From Akhash Smatli, the producer who brought you "Tome Raider" and "Our Glorious Ruler," comes a new adventure series like nothing you've ever seen before - "Yarkh'dyl Hunter!" Each week the intrepid Ekh'vyl Tranatz hunts down a lumbering beast. It's eat or be eaten! Coming to CTV, Thursdays at 9:00.* 
Rathernot returns to the screen; it selects a parchment and begins reading again. *Transportation Minister Ythogtha triumphantly announces that the final link in the Interstice System has been completed. Its Yuggs have finished the final tunnel to Mu. The new continent now has connections to all the surrounding land masses. 
*Another Yahweh cult has been uncovered. Culture Minister Cthylla reminds everyone to be on the lookout for suspicious behavior, such as helping the needy, defending the weak, and showing mercy. Also, anyone who talks to you about "the stars coming right" should be killed immediately and the body burned. 
*War Minister Zoth-Ommog sends word from Fomalhaut that the offensive against Hastur's forces goes well. Casualties are light - * 
"VOATYC! Take that dagger out of your brother RIGHT NOW! You're going to reconsecrate it right after dinner!" 
*In lighter news, those rumors of surviving humans have been confirmed. Father Dagon requests that if you find one, have your fun, but drop it off at a Star-Spawn outpost. The Deep Ones need them and the SS will make sure they get them. 
*All right, here's today's news quiz. We asked you to make your sacrifice tomorrow during a certain part of the day. Was it a) the Morning Third, b) the Afternoon Third, or c) the Night Third? Remember, that's R'lyeh Standard Time. Make your selection... now!* 
Mr. Twister raises a digit and lets it linger over the three buttons set in the arm of his chair. The television counts down, chirping louder and louder. Finally Mr. Twister stabs at a button, just before the final gong, but he has guessed wrong. A muted ZAP comes from the chair, the scent of ozone fills the air, and wisps of smoke rise from Mr. Twister's twitching form. 
"Well, I hope you're happy, children. Dinner will be late again, and Mr. Twister will be *very* unhappy."