Dedications

To Mom & Dad.

Thank you for not owning smartphones, and for only mildly freaking out when I shunned corporate life to “work on the internets.”

To Michelle.

Get ready, because tonight, we’re goin’ TOMCAT.

To Brie.

My best friend, and the most amazing woodchuck you will ever meet. I meant woman! Damn you, Autocorrect!

And to everyone who contributed to the website and this book.

Thank you for not proofreading before hitting send.

Text on, motherduckers!

Contents

Dedications

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Parents Just Don’t Understand: Awkward Texts with Mom & Dad

Chapter 2 - Love Gone Wrong: When Couples Text

Chapter 3 - What’s Cookin’: Autocorrected Food & Beverage Texts

Chapter 4 - Freudian Slips: When Autocorrect Reads Your Mind

Chapter 5 - Say What?!: Totally Random Autocorrect Incidents

Chapter 6 - Textin’ 9 to 5: Autocorrected on the Clock

Chapter 7 - With Friends Like These: When Friends Let Friends Get Autocorrected

Afterword

About the Author

Copyright

Introduction

“DAMN YOU, AUTOCORRECT!”

If you own a smartphone, there’s a good chance you’ve screamed that phrase at least once. Maybe you sent a text to your spouse that you “f’d the dog” (fed) or fired off a note to a co-worker about your “bad case of the manboobs” (Mondays). Either way, Autocorrect was likely the culprit.

While the feature on our mobile devices can be a blessing, it’s also often a curse. It frequently changes words without rhyme or reason, and if you hit “send” too quickly, it can lead to some funny, confusing, or just plain embarrassing results. I found that out the hard way in the summer of 2010 when I innocently tried to invite a few friends over for an evening of gelato. My iPhone’s Autocorrect, however, had another idea and asked them over for a night of “fellatio.” And just like that, Autocorrect turned me into a hussy. What would my mother say!

Shortly after the gelato/fellatio incident, I started wondering if other people out there were having similar experiences with their smartphones. So I purchased the www.damnyouautocorrect.com domain, set up the site on a whim, and added about fifteen Autocorrect incidents involving myself and my friends. I could never have anticipated the public’s reaction. As it turned out, there were millions of people who were just as frustrated by Autocorrect as I was.

By the end of its first week online, DamnYouAutoCorrect.com earned write-ups on ABC, CNN, Gizmodo, Mashable, The Huffington Post, and in dozens of other national media outlets. It went viral on Twitter and Facebook and, literally overnight, found itself getting over 1 million page views and five hundred submissions per day from people all over the globe. Those numbers have been steadily increasing every week.

I think DamnYouAutocorrect.com immediately struck a chord because people of every age can relate to it. These days, everyone texts, and the content highlights situations we’ve all been in ourselves. And even if we haven’t, it’s just human nature to enjoy voyeuristically peering in on the hilarious—and often cringe-worthy—text fails our peers have experienced.

And there have been some real doozies. This book is packed with three hundred hilarious images—most of which are found for the first time here—that highlight the unintentional hilarity that often ensues when Autocorrect goes wrong. These laugh-out-loud funny examples include:

• Co-workers talking about their “ejaculation” reports (escalation);

• A husband texting his wife that he “laid” the babysitter (paid);

• A cook warning someone not to touch a bowl of “masturbating” cherries (macerating);

• And of course, friends complaining about how much they hate the dreaded “auto erection” feature on their smartphone.

And then there’s the most popular image on the DamnYouAutoCorrect.com website to date: a father texting his daughter that he and his mother were going to divorce, when they were in fact just going to Disney. Oops! I’ll take “texts I wouldn’t want to receive” for $200 please, Alex.

BUT WHAT IS AUTOCORRECT, ANYWAY?

Autocorrect is a software function—commonly found on many smartphones and portable web-ready devices like the iPod Touch—that attempts to correct common typos on the fly by guessing the word you were really trying to write. In theory, Autocorrect’s ultimate goal is to save time by automating spell check functions and offering predictions, often before you’ve even finished typing the entire word. But is this feature really improving our modern, super-connected lives?

We move fast, talk fast, and type fast, and there’s no denying Autocorrect can be a huge help in certain circumstances. It often works as the silent hero in the background, making otherwise illegible sentences like “Ehag timr is yge mewtigg” show up properly as: “What time is the meeting?”

But not so fast! Unlike Jennifer Aniston’s hair, Autocorrect isn’t always perfect. It has a sinister side too—one that steps in and inserts completely inappropriate words that can make you look like an idiot, a creep, or (gasp!) a total pervert. The iPhone, for example, frequently autocorrects “Whitehouse” to “whorehouse” and “homie” to “homoerotic.” If you hit “send” without carefully proofreading, the conversation will certainly take an interesting turn. And so might your evening.

OKAY, SO HOW DOES AUTOCORRECT WORK?

As it stands right now, it’s almost impossible to find information about exactly how the elusive Autocorrect feature works. It’s a closely guarded trade secret among the mobile phone companies and software developers, and most of them are incredibly tight-lipped when it comes to discussing it.

What we do know is that when you start typing a word, the Autocorrect software checks those letters against a built-in dictionary. If it doesn’t find an exact match, it guesses what you were trying to type and offers that word up as a suggestion. Many smart phones also have some sort of “learning” element as well, meaning they add new words and terms to the dictionary based on the user’s behaviors and patterns of use. As a result, after a period of acclimation, no two Autocorrect dictionaries may ever be alike. That means if you’re frequently using words like “anal” or “vagina,” there may be an increased risk of your Autocorrect, uh, slipping those words in during future conversations. Sexters, beware!

HOW CAN THINGS GO SO WRONG?

Autocorrect seemingly has a mind of its own—and as you’ll see in this book, often a hilariously dirty one. The real trouble comes when you hit “send” without realizing the word you thought you typed was swapped out for something else. For me, there are two fundamental problems with the way the feature works on the device:

First, when you’re typing, you’re instinctively looking down at the keypad. The autocorrected suggestions, however, show up in the message area, making them incredibly easy to miss if you’re typing quickly and not paying close attention. Second, when typing, all you have to do to accept the word suggestion is tap the space bar. That’s it! The only way to get rid of the Autocorrect suggestion is to keep typing more letters, or to hit the little “x” next to the suggested word in the bubble. That’s just not intuitive at all. Often, you think you’re ignoring the word suggestion by just hitting “space” and continuing to type your message. But you’ve done just the opposite. The rest, as they say, is history. You’ve just been “Autocorrected,” my friend!

HOLY MOLYBDENUM! THAT’S TOTALLY HOOSEGOW!

DamnYouAutoCorrect.com receives about six hundred new submissions per day from the website and the iPhone/iPod Touch app, and I read every one of them myself to determine if they’re website-worthy (hey, it’s a hilarious job, but somebody’s gotta do it). I’ve noticed several trends by doing all that reading, one of which is the relatively new “extra letters” phenomenon, in which the more you repeat the letter, the more strongly you mean it. For example, people frequently write the phrase: “let’s gooooooooooooo!” Autocorrect dictionaries have no clue how to handle all those extra letters, and on the iPhone, it’s often autocorrected to “let’s hookup” or “let’s hippopotamus”—either one of which might be incredibly embarrassing, especially if you’re talking to a relative or a zookeeper. But that’s a topic for another book.

Smartphones also love to insert nonsensical, totally random words that have absolutely nothing to do with what you’re talking about. Did someone say something funny? Be careful when replying back with “hahahaha,” because it’s often autocorrected to “Shabaka”—an Egyptian pharaoh back in 700 BC. The word “hilarious” often gets autocorrected to “hoosegow”—a slang term for a prison. And for all my science geeks in the house (holler!), try typing “holy moly” into your phone. On my device, I end up with “holy molybdenum,” the chemical element with the atomic number 42. But I’m sure you already knew that.

Science not your thing? Are you more of a sports buff? Just make sure you double-check your messages before you hit “send” on your iPhone, or you might find yourself talking about Derek Heterosexual (Jeter), Juan Urine (Uribe), or the great play you just saw the Boners (Niners) complete. Take my word for it—your friends will never let you live it down.

Many devices really seem to struggle with pop culture references too. For example, I use Twitter all the time, and no matter how many times I hit that little “x” to dismiss the suggested word, my iPhone tries to change the word “tweeting” (the process of sending Twitter messages) to “teething” and the word “retweet” to “retarded.” Try explaining that one to your unsuspecting friends and followers.

Based on my observations with Autocorrect and the submissions sent into DamnYouAutoCorrect.com, these are the top twenty-five most common Autocorrect mishaps:

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Hell

Autocorrected to: He’ll

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: A sec

Autocorrected to: Asexual or a sex

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Awwwww

Autocorrected to: Sewers

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Thing

Autocorrected to: Thong

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Bitch

Autocorrected to: Birch

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Give me a call

Autocorrected to: Give me anal

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Oooohhh

Autocorrected to: Pooping

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Grrr

Autocorrected to: Ferret

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Whenever

Autocorrected to: Wieners

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Pick me up

Autocorrected to: Oil me up

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Keys

Autocorrected to: Jews

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Shit

Autocorrected to: Shot

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Coworkers

Autocorrected to: Visigoths or Coriander

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Goooooo

Autocorrected to: Hookup

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Fucking

Autocorrected to: Ducking

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Hahahaha

Autocorrected to: Shabaka

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Homie

Autocorrected to: Homoerotic

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Sodium

Autocorrected to: Sodomy

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Mani/Pedi

Autocorrected to: Mani/Penis

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Pen

Autocorrected to: Penis

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Yesyes

Autocorrected to: Testes

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Soonish

Autocorrected to: Zionism

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Netflix

Autocorrected to: Negroid

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Kids

Autocorrected to: LSD

Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Parents

Autocorrected to: Parrots

Another thing that drives people “ducking” nuts about the iPhone—and a trend you may have noticed in the above list—is its almost comical aversion to swearing. It hates curse words, and does everything in its “ducking” power to prevent you from using them. It even goes so far as to insert an apostrophe in the word HELL (HE’LL), which obviously makes the word take on an entirely different meaning. Its desire to keep things PG-13 is often infuriating, because let’s face it: Sometimes you just need to call someone a fucking asshole.

So now that you know what Autocorrect is and how it works, you’re ready to get to the submissions. Just remember: If you don’t want to end up like one of the poor motherduckers in this book, type carefully and proofread your messages . . . or you too might one day find yourself screaming: “DAMN YOU, AUTOCORRECT!”

Peace out, homoerotic! And if you don’t like this book, you can go to he’ll! Shabaka!

Chapter 1

Parents Just Don’t Understand:

Awkward Texts with Mom & Dad

The Big “D”

Mom’s Office Fight

Do Ducks Have Jackets?

Scaring Mom

Hot for Teacher

Way TMI for Dad

Girls’ Night

Happy Birthday, Mom

Messages from Beyond

Shopping for Dad

Thanks, Mum!

Technology

Dinner Options

We’ve All Been There

Where’s Dad?

Our Little Secret

Chores

Accidental Insult

Finals Week

Chew on This

Robot Invasion

Under the Weather

Thanksgiving Prep Work

Day at the Salon

Babysitter Needed

Is Mom Okay?

Arts & Crafts

Time Off

Waiting for Mom

Return to Sender

Ready, Freddie

Dad’s Wish List

Duck Hunting

Checking In

Gee, Thanks

Very Dirty Harry

A Simple Request

House Sitting

Job Options

Ho-Ho-Horrible

Dinner Plans

In for a Visit

When Dads Shop...

Fourth of July

Jeez, Mom!

Congrats—Love Dad

Fourth Time’s the Charm

Yellow Pages

Christmas Presents

Chapter 2

Love Gone Wrong:

When Couples Text

Autocorrect & Relationship Advice Don’t Mix

Autocorrected Break-up

Bad Girl

Arguing Over Text

Sexting Gone Wrong

Terms of Endearment

Crybaby

A Night Apart

The Babysitter

Now THAT’S Love

Secret’s Out

Date Night

A Night In

Hidden Desires

Do I Need to Be Worried?

The Crush

Drunk Dialing

The Mall & More

Bedtime Wishes

Grocery Shopping

A New Measure of Time

Backhanded Compliment

Cure for the Common Cold

Bad Kissers

Surprise!

Nighty Night

So Romantic

Living Together

I Love You THIS MUCH

The New Guy

Chapter 3

What’s Cookin’:

Autocorrected Food & Beverage Texts

Don’t Touch the Bowl!

Special Dinner

Anniversary Meal

Bomb Squad

Trader Joe’s

Mom Loves Mexican

Rosemary and Rhyme

Dinner at the Office

Eating Out

Yum-O

Snack Time!

Italian Food

Romantic Dinner

Swine

No Means No, Gary!

Odd Donut Shop Order

Lunch Invite

In Treatment

Empty Fridge

Ahoy, Matey

Other Plans

Edible Filipinos

Snap, Crackle, WTF?

General Tso

Shopping List

New Food Group

Snack Time

Mom’s Hungry

Dinner for One

Deadly Dinner

How to Cook Lentils

No Soup for You

If You Say So . . .

Rain Check

Grandpa Sold His Soul for Lunch

New Side Dish Sweeping the Nation

Chapter 4

Freudian Slips:

When Autocorrect Reads Your Mind

Weekend Cookout

Intriguing Offer

Weekend Plans

Big Boned

Evening Entertainment

Boob Tube

Game Night

Asking a Favor

Such a Hassle

Dirty Mind

Well, That’s Awkward

New Airport Wing

Planning the Evening

Quick Stop

Sounds Really Cold

Working Up a Thirst

Spring Break

Can I See Some ID?

OWN Network

Bromance

Wasting the Day

So Much Confusion

Dinner at 5

Rachael’s Party

Matthew’s Girlfriend

Crash and Burn

Beware of Santa

Two Hours

Welcome to the Neighborhood

Photo Shoot

The Holidays

Remedy for a Sore Throat

Interesting Turn of Events

Open Schedule

Movie Night

Can You Sense It?

Thanks for Sharing

Take Your Time

Reminders

Dangers of Kickboxing

Chapter 5

Say What?!:

Totally Random Autocorrect Incidents

Shabaka!

Dinosaur Infection

Dancing Queen

Let’s Talk About Plants, Baby

Sounds Serious

Bring Your Bunsen Burner

Greeting Fail

What Do Bearded Vultures Have to Do with It?!

Zionism

Coach Rockne

Periodic Table of WTF

Mom’s Present

Fuzzy Flowers

BADONKADONK!

French Armchairs

Seriously, Phone?

Don’t Be a Joe Bagel

Sounds Kinda Far

Long-Legged Wading Birds

Pizza Toppings

Yellow Flowering Plants

Noisy & Outspoken

Autobiography

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Cool Feature

Traffic Update

Coffee Run

Random Russian Head Coverings

Yessssssssssss!

Is There a Firefighter in the House?

“Is That Really a Word?!”

A Family of Influence During the Bengal Renaissance (DUH!)

Out of Nowhere

New Year’s Eve

Sisterly Bonding

Stephen Hawking, Is That You?

Chapter 6

Textin’ 9 to 5:

Autocorrected on the Clock

Lawyer Fail

Mondays Are Rough

Rise and Shine

That’s a Bad Day

Lunch Run—and Then Some

Office Party

Sounds from Another Cubicle

Work Retreat

Anger Management

Getting (a)Head in the Workplace

Important Meeting

Tough Commute

Is That Harassment?

Before the Meeting

Long Lunch

Helping Hand

Considerate Coworkers

Hey, Whatever Pays the Bills

Office Supply Cabinet

Calling Out

Favors

New Position

Extra Hours

Time for a Raise

Lost Promotion

Stimulating Job

Working from Home

Interesting Day at Work

Hooking Up the New Monitor

Sounds Dangerous

Somebody Call Tech Support

Day Off

Slow Day

Workin’ Day and Night

. . . The Herb?

Early Morning Issues

Servers Down

Chapter 7

With Friends Like These:

When Friends Let Friends Get Autocorrected

Creepy Birthday Present

Dogsitting

What’s That Smell?

Christmas Gifts

Fitness Regime

Hey, Whatever Works

Pics or It Didn’t Happen!

Christmas Music

Concert

Somebody Stage an Intervention

That Time of the Month

Very Presidential

Running Errands

Somebody Call DCS!

They Make Toilets for That, You Know

Accidental Insult

Trendy New Paint Color

Great Seats

The Old Adage

Magical School

Housekeeping

Clothing Options

What’s That Smell?

Insomnia

Uh, Get Well Soon?

All in the Family

Pampering

Great Story, Bro

New Baby

The Wizard of Autocorrect

Never Show Up Empty-Handed

Adopting a Dog

House Hunting

Sounds Painful

Send Help!

Are Congratulations in Order?

Dropping Hints

Dad’s Christmas Present

Happy for You

Bah, Humbug!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Sounds Like a Great Party

On the Road Again

Decorations

Day Off

Moving Day

Road Rage

Memorable Pics of Dad

Shhh...

Movie Snacks

Ribbit, Ribbit

Beware of Samantha’s Boyfriend

Wal-Marts

Whoops

Thanks, I Think

Tragic Christmas

Get in the Zone

Higher Learning

Get Some Sleep

Out with the Boys

How Festive

New Puppy

Bikes from Santa

Afterword

TURNING OFF AUTOCORRECT (NOT THAT YOU’D WANT TO!)

So what if you want to avoid the unfortunate fates of the texters in the book? Is there a way to turn Autocorrect off?

Yes, there is! It’s an optional feature that you can elect to shut off at any time.

If you have an iPhone or iPod Touch, tap the Settings icon, then navigate to the General > Keyboard menu. If you have a Droid, go to Menu > Settings > Language & Keyboard > Device Keyboard, and uncheck Auto-replace. If all else fails, refer to the documentation that came with your device for exact directions. That said, why would you want to miss out on all the accidental hilarity! Leave it on! Just remember to proofread before you send something really bad . . . because we’ll be watching!

And if you have any great texting fails, feel free to send them my way!

Find DYAC on the web: http://damnyouautocorrect.com

Submission terms and conditions: http://damnyouautocorrect.com/submission-terms-and-conditions/

Twitter: http://twitter.com/damnyouac

E-mail: submit@damnyouautocorrect.com

About the Author

Jillian Madison is the founder of the Pophangover network, a collection of twelve snarky pop-culture blogs. The sites are visited by tens of millions of people every month, and her content is frequently retweeted by celebrities and referenced by media giants like The Huffington Post, Gawker, and Funny or Die. She lives in coastal Connecticut.

www.damnyouautocorrect.com

Copyright

Copyright © 2011 Jill Smith

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information address Hyperion, 114 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10011.

Original Print Edition ISBN: 978-1-4013-1067-7

EPub Edition © 2011 ISBN: 9781401303884

Hyperion books are available for special promotions and premiums. For details contact the HarperCollins Special Markets Department in the New York office at 212-207-7528, fax 212-207-7222, or email spsales@harpercollins.com

Cover design by Chica Graphics

First eBook Edition

Original trade paperback edition printed in the United States of America

www.HyperionBooks.com

Table of Contents

Dedications

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Parents Just Don’t Understand: Awkward Texts with Mom & Dad

Chapter 2 - Love Gone Wrong: When Couples Text

Chapter 3 - What’s Cookin’: Autocorrected Food & Beverage Texts

Chapter 4 - Freudian Slips: When Autocorrect Reads Your Mind

Chapter 5 - Say What?!: Totally Random Autocorrect Incidents

Chapter 6 - Textin’ 9 to 5: Autocorrected on the Clock

Chapter 7 - With Friends Like These: When Friends Let Friends Get Autocorrected

Afterword

About the Author

Copyright