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C 1985
CHARACTERS: John Vane
Olympia Smiles
Mrs. Smiles
Darius Dorman
Mr. Sharpe
Senator Ironman
Committee Chairman
Julia Smiles
Five men, three women
The interludes may be played against no scenery or may be omitted.
The time is the 1890's.
Mrs. Smiles
He's waiting to talk to you. I think you should accept his
proposal.
Olympia
I can never let him speak to me about it. He is so common.
Mrs. Smiles
He's a very nice man. He has his own business.
Olympia
He manufactures refrigerators!
Mrs. Smiles
It's an honest living. He has a good income.
Olympia
I'd rather remain single.
Mrs. Smiles
You'll have to marry sometime, I suppose. Men who are not common
are rare in our present circumstances.
Olympia
I'd rather be an old maid than take a widower with two children.
Mrs. Smiles
But, how would the old maid live if her mother should be removed.
Don't throw away this chance. Mr. Vane is a prosperous man. He has good
manners, barring some slang phrases. A clever wife would help him
forward wonderfully. The right kind of woman could make him over. He's
as pliable as soap.
Olympia
Let someone else wash him then.
Mrs. Smiles
Young girls are so silly.
(Mrs. Smiles goes out. After a moment a sheepish John Vane comes in, hat in hand.)
Olympia
Mr. Vane, I sincerely respect you, and I thank you for this mark of
your esteem, but I cannot be your wife.
Vane
But—
Olympia
It cannot be, I tell you Mr. Vane, it cannot be.
(Olympia sails out.)
Vane
What a magnificent girl.
(Enter Darius Dorman.)
Vane
Hello, Dorman. How are you?
Dorman
You're just the person I'm looking for. Are you busy, or can you
spare a few minutes?
Vane
Oh, I guess I can talk
Dorman
You've always been a supporter of the Republican Party?
Vane
Still am. Need a contribution?
Dorman
That's not it. Brummer can't run again. Not after this scandal with
money. To try to carry Jim Brummer would break our organization. Jim
must take a back seat until this blows over.
Vane
They mean to put Saltonstall against Brummer, don't they?
Dorman
Yes, but it won't work. Saltonstall is altogether too much of a
gentleman to get the nomination. He's as cold and dead as his
ancestors, the old governors. You can't get people to Hurrah for a
gravestone, even if it has a fine name on it. In fact, the name is a
disadvantage. His followers are killing him off.
Vane
How so?
Dorman
They keep saying that, because he is the son and grandson of an
honorable, he ought to be an honorable. Voters don't see it that way.
They want plain people to become honorables. Besides, who wants a
Congressman to be fussy?
Vane
Then, who will get the nomination?
Dorman
I tell you it won't be Saltonstall. Brummer won't get it either.
Some third man is bound to get it.
Vane
Who?
Dorman
Could be you, John.
Vane
Me! I've never had any thoughts of running for office.
Dorman
We may need you there like the devil. Everything depends on your
showing yourself.
Vane
Nonsense.
Dorman
Not nonsense. You've been a party member for years. You're well
liked in this town. Come and see what a yell there will be for you.
Vane
This is a new idea.
Dorman
I mean to nominate you, John.
BLACKOUT
SCENE II. The same. Several months later.
Vane is seated in the parlour of Mrs. Smiles' boarding house
writing a
letter. Dorman enters.
Dorman
John, a word with you.
Vane
Hallo, Dorman. As many as you like.
Dorman
I think you must own, John, that I have done more than any other
man to help you into Congress?
Vane
I certainly do acknowledge your help, Darius. Without you I
wouldn't be on my way to Washington.
Dorman
Would you mind hearing a word of advice?
Vane
Go on. I owe you a dinner.
Dorman
You'll owe me a good deal more if you'll follow my counsel. Now,
listen to me. You've been elected. But, now what?
Vane
I go to Washington and try to serve my constituents.
Dorman
Of course. But, you've got a great career open to you. You may
succeed. You may fail. Don't go into memorials or nigger worshipping.
Those sentimental dodges are played out. Go into finance. The great
national question to be attended now is finance. Spread yourself there.
Dive into finance. It's the only way to cut a figure in politics or to
make politics worth your while.
Vane
I've thought of that already. It's my line, you know, business,
money matters, political finance.
Dorman
Exactly! Well, throw yourself into it. When you get in, I shall
have a proposition to propose to you which you'll like to push.
Something big, something on a grand scale. If it goes through, it will
make reputations, and fortunes, too.
Vane (primly)
I don't propose to go into Congress to make money.
Dorman
Oh, of course not! You want honor and the respect of the country.
Well, this is just the thing to fix the eyes of the country on whoever
carries it through. You'll be delighted with it. I know you will.
However, I mustn't blow it now. Well, that's all. I congratulate you, I
do, with all my heart. Goodbye for now.
(Dorman goes out. After a short pause, Olympia peeks in, sees Vane and, after a moment's hesitation, sails in.)
Olympia
Mr. Vane, I am glad to meet you. I have really longed to
congratulate you on your victory, but I thought it was perhaps a little
indelicate. But, seeing you alone, I decided I couldn't deny myself the
pleasure.
Vane (blushing, a little confused)
I thank you exceedingly. I heard you were good enough to take my
side during the campaign.
Olympia
Why don't you come and see me? I had hoped we would always remain
good friends.
(Enter Mrs. Smiles and her younger daughter Julia.)
Mrs. Smiles
I am truly rejoiced at your success, Mr. Vane. We shall have an
honest man to represent us. And a man of ability, too. Knowing what you
have done in life, hitherto, I feel sure that you will be useful in
your new sphere.
Julia
Do manage, Mr. Vane, to have a gay season in Washington, and do get
me an invitation to spend the winter there.
Vane
I don't know what sort of figure I shall cut in Congress, but you
may be sure, Mrs. Smiles, that I shall do my honest best.
Julia
Angels can do no more, Mr. Vane.
Vane
I hope I shall merit the compliments you are so kind as to pay me.
Olympia
Oh, indeed, you will. (to Julia) Hands off him, little sister!
Mrs. Smiles
I should think you would tremble to assume such responsibilities. I
remember hearing poor Smiles say that Congress is too powerful. He took
a great interest in politics, Mr. Smiles did. It is the business of a
statesman.
Olympia (in a hiss to her mother)
Get my little sister out of here.
Mrs. Smiles
Do excuse me for a few minutes, Mr. Vane. A housekeeper has her
affairs. Come, Julia.
Vane
Certainly, Mrs. Smiles.
(Exit Mrs. Smiles, dragging a reluctant Julia with her.)
Olympia (simpering)
Now tell me all about it. Tell me all your plans for reform.
Vane
Oh, why—
Olympia
Oh, that will be noble work. We shall owe you a vast debt of
gratitude. But, do you think it possible to eradicate such established
and widespread abuse?
Vane
Err, that is to say—
Olympia
Don't you think it would be safer to start with some smaller work—
where there would not be millions to oppose you? I am so eager to have
you succeed from the very start.
Vane
Oh, Miss Smiles, I do heartily thank you for your interest.
Olympia (coyly)
I must be going.
Vane
Oh, it is not late! Olympia, you know how I still feel about you.
Olympia
Do you still?
Vane
Will you be my wife?
Olympia
I think I will.
BLACKOUT
SCENE III. Vane's flat in Washington. Mrs. Vane is having a temper
tantrum and tearing her ruff.
Olympia
Oh, this shabby Washington. What vile rooms! (crying)
Vane
But, my dear Olympia—
Olympia
I don't see how we came to take them. I'm sure nobody but poorhouse
people will visit us here.
Vane
But, what is to be done? They are the best I could find at the
figure and the figure is as high as my pocket measures. My refrigerator
business doesn't count. I can't count on anything more than my salary.
What I have to live on is just five thousand a year.
Olympia
But, that is a great deal!
Vane
Well, that depends on the rate of outgo. I give you mother
twenty-four dollars a week for the two children, which with the others
bills, will foot up to eighteen hundred dollars a year. It's awful, but
I wanted to make it light on the old lady. Then, our rooms here come of
forty a week. So there goes another two thousand dollars. That leaves
twelve hundred dollars for everything else. Can we fetch twelve months
round on that?
Olympia
I hate arithmetic! I always did hate it and I always shall. I did
think I should be allowed to live in some style when I was in
Washington. I suppose I can bear it if I must, but it is a great
disappointment to me.
Vane
Well, my dear, we'll see about it. We'll keep our eyes open for
some better shanty than this, and if we can, we'll pop into it.
Olympia (going out)
Sometimes I wish I'd never married.
Vane
Olympia!
(But Olympia is gone. Vane shrugs and sits down to work. Enter Dorman and Mr. Sharpe, an older man of possibly Quaker origins.)
Dorman
How are you, Vane? Glad to see you at last where you belong. Glad
to see the right man in the right place. Let me make you acquainted
with the honorable Mr. Ebeneezer Sharpe, one of the leading members
from the old whetstone state. Of course, you have heard of Ebeneezer
Sharpe, the great financier and practical statesman. Mr. Sharpe, this
is honest John Vane, the workingman's man—the plain people's man.
Vane
Very honored to meet you, Mr. Sharpe. It's not often a new member
gets to meet a senior person like yourself so soon.
Dorman
I'm glad to bring you two gentlemen together. You travel the honest
track. You'll make a team.
Sharpe (an unctuous, pious old fraud)
I thank you truly, Mr. Vane. You are really much too kind. I am
delighted to have the pleasure of your acquaintance. We have all been,
as it were, waiting for you, sir.
Vane
Please have a seat.
Sharpe
You are really too urbane. Too thoughtful. I thank you kindly.
Dorman
Just in Washington, Vane. Thought I'd drop by to see you in your
glory, and as I was strolling along, I met friend Sharpe. And it's a
lucky circumstance I think. You see, friend Sharpe is one of the oldest
sailors in this ship of state and knows all the ropes.
Sharpe
Oh, Mr. Dorman, you do me too much honor. I scarcely know a rope.
But you mean a compliment and I thank you kindly.
Dorman
Friend Sharpe is a man who knows how to steer clear of traps. Now
you, Vane, have got a great measure on your mind and conscience. It's a
great and good measure, I can see that. There's no point in disputing
it. The only question is whether it is best to push it now or wait a
while. Mr. Ebeneezer Sharpe is the person to tell you.
Vane
Well, gentlemen, well, gentlemen, I want to abolish the franking
privilege.
Sharpe
Certainly, Mr. Vane. It's a great evil. Certainly—
Vane (delighted)
You agree with me! Congressmen shall pay postage just like
everybody else. Well, I'm sure glad of securing one leading voice in
the house.
Sharpe
In principle, in principle. You have suggested a measure which
touches my conscience. You will find many sympathizers with your idea,
sir. All honest, fair-minded, intelligent and patriotic members long to
do away with that expensive misuse that so corrupts our national
morality and overloads our mailbags. The trouble is that fellows who
want a reelection—
Vane
But, can't we carry it in spite of them?
Sharpe
So many want a reelection. In fact, almost everybody gets around to
that state of mind after two years.
Vane
Is that all Congressmen think about?
Sharpe
No, no, by no means! Don't understand me as even suggesting such a
calumny. They think of many things. But this touches every man's
chances in the end.
Vane
I see it does. But, what has that got to do with a public servant's
duty?
Sharpe
Horace Greeley worked at this abuse for years. Horace was an honest
politician and a very potent editor. He did his best and he failed.
Vane (bitterly)
And you mean to say a man who isn't a shaving to Horace Greeley
won't succeed any better?
Sharpe
I don't mean to say that. By no means, sir. On the contrary, you
remind me of him. He was not so well favored a man as you, sir—but
still, you remind me very agreeably. Both self-made men. And honest. So
much the worse. An honest man can't do away with the franking
privilege. A rogue might, for he would offer something in place of it
as a trade-off. No, Mr. Vane, you must excuse me, a gentleman of your
character can't repeal the franking privilege. That is my candid,
sorrowful belief.
Vane
Thanks for telling me, anyway. Right out.
Sharpe
If you could only become useful—generally useful, you might try
your bill with some chance of success. A man who is known to be
useful— such a man might propose almost anything and hope to get it
through.
Vane
Well, how can I get to be useful?
Sharpe
I'll tell you. Special legislation is the great field of
usefulness.
Vane
Ah, is it? That's news to me. I thought general legislation was the
big thing.
Sharpe
All exploded, my dear sir. All gone out with Lincoln and Stanton.
All dead issues. As dead as the war. Special legislation—finance—is
the great field. It paves every way. Your vote helps people—and they
are grateful and help you. Work into finance, Mr. Vane. Get your name
associated with a navigation scheme or a railroad scheme. The millions
yet unborn will have reason to remember you. Capital will become your
friend. And capital, Mr. Vane—there's a word. My very blood curdles
when I think of the majesty and power of capital. This whole republic
is the creature of capital. Capital guides it by its wisdom. Capital is
already its ruler. Make capital your friend, Mr. Vane! Do something for
it! Link your fortunes and your name with some great financial
enterprise. Then, when you have won your reputation, you can return to
your pet measure. Now there is my advice. I also have my little reform,
but I keep waiting till I am strong enough. Never mind now what my
reform is—but you will hear of it someday.
Vane
Please, I would like to know.
Sharpe
I don't mind telling you. It is the great sub-fluvial tunnel road
from Michigan to Louisiana—built under the Mississippi River. It is a
gigantic idea, you must admit. Of course, the details are quite beyond
me. There I have to trust the judgement of businessmen like Dorman
here. Dorman, suppose you let our friend in on this if he wants to come
in.
Dorman
It's the job I gave you a hint about after your election. We have
just gotten it well underway.
Vane
What! Stock taken?
Dorman
The government will loan the capital to build the tunnel. No great
risk, you see, to the investors, especially as they will get the first
issue cheap and won't have to pay par. What they don't want to keep,
they can sell. Now bankers and financiers won't neglect such a chance.
With a government loan to start us, the stock is sure to be floated.
Just like the railroads.
Vane
That's a little unusual, isn't it, for the government to loan money
to the corporation?
Dorman
This is new. That's the whole secret. When the loan question comes
up, give us your vote.
Sharpe
It will be a grand thing for the country.
Dorman
Magnificent. It will double the value of the land in the
Mississippi Valley.
Sharpe
United North and South.
Dorman
Pour the wild rice of Green Bay on the tables of the working man.
Sharpe
Heal the wounds of war.
Dorman
And pay the first investors well.
Vane
I should think it would pay them well.
Sharpe
If you should care to invest, by the way, we can promise you a sure
return on it—something saleable, if you don't want it.
Vane
Well, I'll think about it.
Sharpe
Do so. Do, Mr. Vane. Give the project your intelligent
consideration and see if it is not worthy of your support. (rising) And
now, sir, very much against my wishes, I am compelled to bid you a good
morning. Don't go to the door with me, don't. You are altogether too
urbane. I thank you kindly. Delighted to have made your acquaintance
and to welcome you as a brother Congressman.
(Exit Sharpe. Vane accompanies him to the door and returns.)
Dorman
Honest, able old fellow, that Sharpe. Glad he happened to drop in
on you while I was here.
Vane
See here, Darius, I'm not going to go for a bill just because
there's money in it—and some of it may come my way. That ain't my
style.
Dorman
I know it isn't.
Vane
Then, why offer me a cheap stock to vote for your bill? That's just
a sort of bribe.
Dorman
You take your risk, don't you? I don't offer you money. Merely a
business risk.
Vane
Where's the risk if the government loans the money and gives the
company such credit that its stock can't help selling? You can't fool
me that way, old boy. The Great Sub-fluvial is for the directors and
officers who will take the shares at fifty, sell them at par, and then
leave the whole thing on the hands of the small investors and Uncle
Sam. That's what you fellows mean to do, and want me to help you. I
don't see it.
Dorman
You'll allow that one good turn deserves another?
Vane
I know you think you put me here. And you were a big help, I own
it. But you couldn't have shoved through another man. It was my
reputation for honesty that won the election. And I had that before I
met you. Now you ask me to throw all my claim to self respect to the
winds. I'm not ungrateful. I'll do anything in reason for you, old
boy—get you a postmastership—anything that'll bear telling of. But I
won't help you plunder the Treasury and the small investing public. I
won't do it.
Dorman
Why, this is the way everything works here. More than half your
friends and colleagues do the same thing. The main work of Congress is
done out of sight—like a mole. The real business is protecting vested
interests. A good Congressman is a silent partner in every job he
supports. Don't be a dog in the manger. Go with the crowd and humor the
crowd. Let others have their fodder and join in yourself. Look at the
Congressmen who live well. Do you suppose they do it on their salaries?
Then, why can't you do it? Why do you huddle in these two little rooms?
Is it because they know how to make money go further than you do? Not
very likely. You're one of the best businessmen I know. No. The way
they do it is to take a little stock in every bill they put through.
It's the common thing and it's the correct thing. And you can't change
it. Grease is what makes the wheel turn, John. Grease. The only thing I
wonder at is that Congressmen are content with so little.
Vane
Dorman, I have the greatest mind to expose you.
Dorman
Come, Vane, I want you to do well in the world of politics. Your
attempted exposure of me would make you a laughing stock. Congress
would appoint a special investigator or a committee, and then you'd
never hear of it again. Learn your business—and then call me a liar if
you can.
BLACKOUT
Sharpe
I'm afraid your friend won't come to much in Congress. He won't be
a practical statesman. No head for finance.
Dorman
Don't despair, my benevolent friend. I've looked to the bottom of
John Vane's shallow soul. He has no character of his own. He's a
chameleon. He takes the color of the people about him. He's a
weathercock. He was straight in Pittsfield because everybody's straight
in Pittsfield. When he's been here a while, he'll be like everybody
else. Don't be anxious about him. It's merely a matter of time.
Sharpe
He's holier than thou.
Dorman
So are you, friend Sharpe. Religion is helpful. It varnishes
politics over nicely. Makes it look decent. Vane will be a great help
to us— his reputation is good.
Sharpe
You are a very plain spoken person, Mr. Dorman. Just a little,
well, let us say, eccentric in your expressions.
Dorman
He'll come over. I'll bet on bringing him over.
Sharpe
I must admit what you say is encouraging. You really cheer me, Mr.
Dorman. I thank you kindly.
BLACKOUT
Olympia
Why did you take me to that stupid party?
Vane
I thought the Senator might amuse you. You are always saying you
want amusement.
Olympia (taking off her outer garments)
Not that kind. Low people may amuse you, I know they do. It is one
of the great faults in your character, John. But to me, they are simply
strange and odious bores. Can't you understand that I want good
society, genteel surroundings, and nice things?
Vane
And to dine with the British Ambassador and ride with the hounds.
Olympia (squaring off against him, hands on hips)
Well, what woman in Washington doesn't?
Vane
And there's nothing fine in having an honest husband who hasn't got
his hand out or in the public till?
Olympia
Oh, there are so many honest people. The world is full of them.
Vane
Not in this town.
Olympia (switching tactics)
Why aren't you on an important committee?
Vane
Because I'm new.
Olympia
But here you are, on the Committee for Revolutionary Pensions. It's
almost an insult. There are only four pensioners left. There can't be
anything to do.
Vane
Well, we do very little. But somebody must do it.
Olympia
You ought to try to get on the Committee on Ways and Means. Mrs.
Fuller says that it is the greatest committee. Why don't you?
Vane
Why don't I try to be President? I am trying. I am doing what work
comes my way as thoroughly and as honestly as I can. If I stay here
long enough, I shall get higher.
Olympia
Why don't you push your bill about that franking privilege? That
would cause a sensation.
Vane
They smothered it in committee.
Olympia
There! Now you see the need to be on the leading committees. If you
had been on that committee, you could have stopped their smothering it.
Vane
No, I couldn't. I'd be a minority of one. The fact is that
Congressmen in general are determined to hold on to their franking
privilege.
Olympia
Didn't I tell you! Didn't I tell you so before we were engaged and
ever so many times since?
Vane
But, you just—
Olympia
I told you to give up that old thing and plan something that would
pass. Oh, I wish I were a man!
(Olympia flounces out. Vane is furious.)
Vane (boiling)
I second the motion!
(Enter Dorman.)
Dorman
Hallo, Vane.
Vane
Hello, Darius. What brings you to see me at this time of night?
Dorman
I need your vote, John.
Vane
For the Great Sub-fluvial? But, you got your loan without my vote.
Darius
We need another lift. If we don't have it, the whole thing will
explode.
Vane
What! Haven't you bled the Treasury enough?
Dorman
We need time. Here is this Secretary of the Treasury, demanding
interest on his loan. It ain't fair. How, in the name of all the
witches in Salem, does he suppose the Sub-fluvial can pay three
millions in interest per year and still meet operating expenses? We
understood that the interest was to wait until termination of the
loan—thirty years from now.
Vane
Pay it out of principal. Do as other companies do.
Dorman
But, we want the principal for dividends. We can't keep on selling
stock unless we show a dividend now and then.
Vane
Aren't there any profits? Haven't you insiders laid away enough to
spare a little for profits?
Dorman
Vane, you don't understand how big this thing really is! Give us a
lift, John, and we'll give you one. Profits will come after the tunnel
is operating.
Vane
Well, well, what do you want now?
Dorman
First of all, a bill to stop the collection of interest until the
loan falls due. Second, we want a bill to change the government lien
from a first to a second mortgage—so that we can issue some first
mortgage bonds and raise a little more money. That's all we want now,
and I'm sure it's moderate.
Vane
Why don't you just ask for a present of the whole loan?
Dorman
Vane, we're not greedy! We must have good men to help us. We want
the very best. We want men like Christian and Fairchild in the Senate,
and you and Greatheart in the house.
Vane
How are you going to manage it?
Dorman
We can make things just as pleasant as a financier could want. You
can't take the stock, of course, because the opposition would bawl
about it and scream conflict of interest.
Vane
The public might impute selfish motives.
Dorman
But, we've got a company we contract with to do all the actual
building of the tunnel. We own it, we run it, but we do it through
several holding companies, and it's got a different name and board of
directors. We'll give you a piece of that and you'll be as snug as a
bug in a rug. Say you will, John. Say you will see it out.
Vane (confidingly)
Darius, I'm awfully hard up.
Dorman
Then, you ought not to miss this chance! We will guarantee you ten
percent—and it is pretty certain to pay fifty and even a hundred
maybe.
Vane
It will pay exactly what you choose to make it pay.
Dorman
Well, that's of course. But we've got to draw a line somewhere. We
can't give all of Sub-fluvial to the construction ring—I mean company.
Are you in?
Vane
Say so, if you like.
Dorman
Well, I say so, that's agreed on! (pause) There isn't much of this
stock left. Stands at one or two hundred percent above par. It's such a
safe and paying thing, that there's been a loud call for it. I could
let you have five hundred of it, though.
Vane
Do you mean to insult me?
Dorman
Say a thousand, then. Senators Christian and Fairchild took a
thousand each and were glad to get it. Greatheart, too. Well, I ought
not to mention names.
Vane
Why, they are the best and the brightest.
Dorman
Of course they are. The saintly advocates of reform. The watchdogs
of the Treasury. There are no men of better reputation in politics.
Vane
I wouldn't have thought it of them. I knew there was a raft of
fellows who took investments—but I supposed men like the ones you
named were exceptions.
Dorman
Well, you see how it is at last. What's the use of your holding
different notions from everybody else? It doesn't pay. You've been
eccentric and high faluting. I put it to you, as one businessman to
another. Is it generous or fair for a capitalist to ask a Congressman
to work for him gratis? I say not. I've got five thousand of this
inside stock and I offer you twenty percent of it. It isn't money, you
see. I wouldn't dream of offering you money. That's what I said to
Greatheart and he couldn't get round it and he took it.
Vane
I'll—I'll take it, too.
Dorman (slyly)
All right! Well, I'll hold the stock for you—just to keep your
name off the books.
Vane (cannily)
I won't trouble you to hold my property for me, Darius. I'll hold
it in my own name. Honesty is the best policy.
Dorman
Now, look here, John. Is it a good idea? Christian and Greatheart
haven't. You see, if there should be an exposure, and this stock should
be found in your name, you wouldn't be on the investigating committee.
Vane
Never mind. I'll do the square thing.
Dorman
Oh, well, if you insist. If you choose to risk it, why, of course.
Now, as for paying for the stock—as you are hard up, suppose we let
the dividends go toward that.
Vane
Suppose we don't. Suppose you hand me the certificates at once and
the dividends as fast as they fall in.
Dorman
I have caught a Tartar. When you turn your attention to finance,
John, you show your business training. Your game isn't the safest,
though. You'd better let me keep the stock for you.
Vane
Nothing doing.
Dorman
Well, have it your own way. I'll bring the certificates tomorrow.
BLACKOUT
Vane
I want the dividends, Darius.
Dorman
But the transfer is dated the day of the dividend!
Vane
Yes, I know it is. And that's a pretty trick to play on a man whose
help you asked for. Now I want you to make that transfer over again and
date it on the day on which I took the stock and then I want you to pay
me the dividend on it.
Dorman
I don't see how I came to make this blunder.
Vane
You don't pronounce it right. It wasn't blunder, but plunder. Ha,
ha!
BLACKOUT
Dorman
It was a triumph of the good cause.
Vane
The good cause needed it. It was a squeaker.
Dorman
If we had been beaten, the Great Sub-fluvial would have been
smashed. As it is, I think we can keep things whitewashed and perhaps
head off an investigation.
Vane
An investigation? Do you think there will be an investigation?
Dorman
You may bet your soul on it.
Vane
If they look this thing up, what's to become of me?
Dorman
I don't know and I don't care. What I want to know is what's to
become of me. Well, we are in the same boat. If you won't expose my
fashion of doing business, I won't expose your share in the profits.
Vane (nodding)
I always meant to pay for that stock. I'll settle with you for it
someday, Darius. I'm a little short now. This election, you know.
Dorman
Oh yes, I know. It has cost us both a good bit of money. Well, take
your time about it, John. Pay me when it comes handy. I can trust your
honesty, John, under the circumstances.
(Exit Dorman. Olympia peeks in and then enters.)
Olympia
Did that hideous Dorman finally leave?
Vane
Yes, he's gone.
Olympia
I hate that man.
Vane
Why?
Olympia
I just don't like him. I never did and I never will.
Vane
I'm afraid there's trouble brewing for us.
Olympia
What's the matter now? I thought you got our money situation
straightened out.
Vane
Well, the matter is this outcry for an investigation.
Olympia
What investigation? Who is to be investigated?
Vane
It's a secret, but it will be out before long. I might as well
prepare you mind for it.
Olympia
You always try to upset me. Well, what is it?
Vane
It's something about this Great Sub-fluvial Tunnel. You see, it was
a pretty heavy thing for the stockholders to carry and they had to get
some additional assistance from Congress. To do that, they gave some
members stock, or rather sold it to them. Some of the newspapers are
charging that this is bribery and corruption.
Olympia
How much have you got of the stock?
Vane
Not much. Only a thousand.
Olympia
That isn't much. Why don't you sell it and get it off your hands?
Does it pay anything?
Vane
About fifteen hundred a year, or maybe, two thousand.
Olympia
Two thousand? Why, you mustn't think of selling it.
Vane
It's all very well to talk that way, as though it were as easy as
ABC. But supposing it costs me my seat? Supposing I get expelled for
it? Then you'll understand it's not so very handy to manage.
Olympia
Then, what did you get yourself in such a scrape for? You needn't
blame me for it. I didn't do it.
Vane
Yes, you did. I took it to raise money for your housekeeping and
all the ruinous things you could have gotten along without. The
nonsense has got to stop.
Olympia
Do you want to shut me out of the world altogether?
Vane
Look here, I would to it if I could. If I had the money, I'd spend
it any way you please.
Olympia
Why don't you borrow it?
Vane
Where?
Olympia
I'm sure some of my friends would be willing to lend you something.
Vane
You mean Senator Ironman?
Olympia
Yes. I'm sure he would help. And he has just oodles of money.
Vane
I'm sure he'd be delighted to help!
Olympia
What's that supposed to mean?
Vane
I don't want to ask Ironman. And you know why?
Olympia
What are you suggesting?
Vane
Never mind.
Olympia
You think he's my lover?
Vane
No. But I think he'd like to be.
Olympia
Pooh! Don't you trust me?
Vane
I try to. Ironman has quite a reputation as a skirt chaser.
Olympia
Darling, let him make a fool of himself. He'll never get anywhere.
But, he'll loan you the money.
Vane
Still, I'd rather not.
Olympia
Be a fool, if you like. I'll probably have to leave you if this
thing doesn't blow over. Remember that.
BLACKOUT
Ironman
Sit down, sit down. Had your breakfast?
Vane
Yes, as a matter of fact.
Ironman
Take a glass of sauterne, then. Have a cigar.
Vane
I don't use either, thank you. Do you think there'll be an
investigation, Senator?
Ironman
Oh, yes. Such a row about it, you know. Bad job for those fellows
who are in it.
Vane
With doors closed, I suppose?
Ironman
I don't know about that. We don't want them open—but, now and
then, we have to give in to the newspaper fellows. I'm afraid some
fellows will have to go overboard.
Vane
Well, I may have to quit Washington, then.
Ironman
We can't have that. We can't spare you and Mrs. Vane. My wife won't
know what to do if she loses Mrs. Vane. Look here. Something might be
done, you know. I have it. Put you on the investigating committee.
It'll help with the people—clear up your record. And if the doors can
be shut—why keep them shut. Just the thing.
Vane
I'm afraid it's a little too bold for me with this stock on my
hands.
Ironman
I don't see what that should hinder. Of course, you bought the
stock— it's inside stock, isn't it?—without knowing it was hitched to
the Great Sub-fluvial.
Vane
But, I haven't paid for it. That's the awkward part of the
business.
Ironman
How much?
Vane
Fifteen hundred par.
Ironman
That's nothing. Let me lend you enough to cover it. How much will
you have? Say three thousand. My wallet is always open to a friend.
I've had too many good dinners and pleasant evenings at your house not
to call you friend. I hope you'll call often. My wife will be delighted
to see you. You have no idea how fond she is of your wife. Like
sisters, really.
BLACKOUT
Dorman
I got a note that you wanted to see me, John.
Vane
I thought I'd just settle up for that stock.
Dorman (surprised)
How much do you propose to pay?
Vane
Why, par, of course. That's the figure we talked of when I took it.
Dorman
It's been worth more, much more, for some time.
Vane
Look here, Darius, that won't go down. It may have been worth more
once, but it isn't now. People don't want it any more. No more than
they want shares in a broken bank. I'll bet a cookie, I'll bet a cookie
that you can't sell my shares even for par. But I'll give par for it
because I agreed to and I like to stand by my word.
Dorman
Oh, very well. Anything you like.
Vane
And I want a receipt dated back to the day of transfer.
Dorman
Of course you do. You want it very much, indeed. Well, if I give
you one, what can you do for us?
Vane
Oh, well, I don't know. You'll need a good deal done for you before
this thing is over. If I was in the right place, I could help you, more
or less. By the way, I met Senator Ironman this morning, and he gave me
an idea which might work well for you, providing it would work at all.
Dorman
Nice fellow, Ironman. Bit of a womanizer, but a genial, generous
man, for all that.
Vane (choking and coughing)
Well—what was I saying? Oh, I know. He suggested putting me on the
committee of inquiry.
(Both Vane and Dorman laugh.)
Dorman
I like your plan. Here's your receipt, backdated. Give me one
thousand shares. No interest from you. We are friends forever.
Vane
I hope so. By the way, where is Sharpe? I want to see him about
this.
Dorman
Yes, you'd better see him. I think he told me he planned to pay you
a visit.
Vane
You know, Darius, I don't like the looks of this thing, even though
I'm clear.
Dorman
It's the cursed unfairness of it that irks me. Now, isn't it too
bad the public wants to rake us over the coals whenever so many jobs
lie that aren't even spoken of.
Vane
And, here I am, in it for almost nothing. What sort of a story are
you going to tell if they put you on the stand?
Dorman
Oh, I'll say whatever will do the most good. But, Sharpe means to
let out a few facts if they crowd him.
Vane
Wouldn't it be better to stonewall?
Dorman
Sharpe has a character to nurse. I dare say he thinks he can stop
embarrassing questions by showing he can give even more embarrassing
answers.
Vane
I'd better see him.
Dorman
Yes, you'd better. Well, John, I must be going. I know my way out.
Vane (weakly)
Goodbye, Darius.
(Exit Darius. Olympia peeks in.)
Olympia (entering)
Has he gone?
Vane
What? Oh, yes.
Olympia
Well, I talked to Mrs. Ironman. Is everything straightened out?
Vane
I think I'd better resign.
Olympia
Never! I won't agree to it. Why, I've just started to get into the
best society. And the winter is going to be so gay.
Vane
All right. I'll stick it out. But the winter isn't going to be gay
in Congress.
Olympia
You just stick to your guns and everything will be fine. They can't
prove a thing. (kisses him) Be a dear and don't wait up for me.
Vane
Are you going out?
Olympia
Oh, I promised Mrs. Ironman I'd stay with her all through her
party. It's sure to last till the wee hours of the morning. Ta!
Vane
Yes, of course.
(Olympia sails out. Vane sits, a study in total misery. After a bit, Sharpe enters.)
Vane
Hello, Sharpe, I need to see you. Have a seat.
Sharpe
You honor me too much. I thank you kindly. I am glad to see you
here. I've been under such a cloud that I was afraid my old friends
wouldn't care to see me.
Vane
Oh, I'm always glad to see you, you know.
Sharpe
The great enterprise which I have had the honor to foster to the
extent of my poor measure of financial ability has been terribly abused
and maligned. The noblest scheme ever endorsed by the wisdom of
Congress! What do people mean! What does the press mean! What is this
investigation for? I am convinced it is a conspiracy invented by the
nation's enemies to prevent the completion of the tunnel. What do you
think, Mr. Vane?
Vane
It's giving the stock to Congressmen that has caused the row.
Sharpe
Oh, is that it? I am glad you explained it to me. I should have
expected, from a man of your clearness of vision. I thank you kindly.
Well, as to that matter, I put the stock where I thought it would do
the most good.
Vane
Of course, and very natural, too. But, there is to be an
investigation.
Sharpe
Exactly.
Vane
And, I have a smart chance of being put on the committee.
Sharpe
Mr. Vane, are your arrangements about that stock completely to your
satisfaction?
Vane
I have paid Dorman for it and gotten a receipt that will do me.
Sharpe
Mr. Vane, let me hand that money back. It was a trifling mark of
private amity and esteem. I never meant it should be paid for. Dorman
is an able businessman, but he hasn't an idea beyond trading. I insist,
Mr. Vane, on your taking back your money.
Vane
Well, from that point of view—since you will have it so.
Sharpe
Want any more stock? My dear, sir, we are at your service. Anything
we can do, please call on us. Of course, we'll have all our influences
towards putting you on that committee.
Vane
I'll do my best—my honest best, for you.
Sharpe
Well, I've got to go. No, no, don't open the door. You are too
urbane, too urbane. I think you kindly.
BLACKOUT
Interlude III
Chairman
What we want to know, Congressman, is whether you were aware at the
time you purchased stock in the Great Mississippi Engineering Company
that Great Mississippi was controlled by the Great Sub-fluvial?
Vane
Gentlemen, I will freely confess that I did not inquire so closely
into the matter as, perhaps, I should have done. I did, however, know
that the two companies were acting under different and independent
characters. It seemed to me fair to infer that investing in one was not
the same as investing in the other. Because of this seeming conflict of
interest, I think it best that I not serve on the committee.
(Thunderous chorus with music “HONEST JOHN VANE”.)
Chairman
Vane, I insist. The public needs fellows like you on the committee.
Vane
Well, if you're sure.
BLACKOUT
Vane
What a horrible scrape Christian and Greatheart have gotten
themselves into. Why couldn't those fellows have told a straight story?
Dorman
They shouldn't have lied about it. It made Sharpe look as though he
was pocketing the money himself, and he had to speak out. The real
sharpers took cash only.
Vane
They haven't surfaced yet.
Dorman
Do you supposes the committee is raking to the bottom? Why, the
charter cost us half a million. We've paid out hundreds of thousands to
men against whom we haven't a particle of proof beyond our verbal
statements.
Vane
Exactly. Well, do you mean to identify them?
Dorman
Of course not. We know enough not to kill the goose that lays our
golden eggs.
Vane
So much the worse for the Greatheart lot. They will have to get
out, I suppose.
Dorman
I don't think so. They may not get reelected, of course, but there
will be no resignations. What will happen is this. Your committee will
find that someone was giving bribes or favors—but no one taking them,
you see. Then, if the public isn't satisfied, maybe Greatheart and a
few others will be unfairly picked out as scapegoats. This will rouse
opposition just because it's so unfair. All the old warhorses will
gallop up and down and raise so much dust that the public won't be able
to see what is going on. The two scapegoats will almost be expelled,
but not quite.
Vane
Take care of yourself, Darius. If I owned a million of your stock,
I shouldn't feel rich. There'll be lawsuits against your inside
corporations.
Dorman
Not against me. I filed bankruptcy this morning. I'm afraid I'm out
of it.
Vane
Bankrupt? But, you've got millions salted away.
Dorman
Not where anybody can find it.
Vane
Are you going to hang around Washington?
Dorman
No, no. I'll be back eventually. This is my turf, of course. But
for the present, I think Paris might be nice around this time of year.
Vane
Well, goodbye, then. Will I see you again?
Dorman
Never doubt it. And when you do, I have plans for a public
investment that will make the Great Sub-fluvial look like chicken feed.
I don't want to blow it now. By the way, congratulations on your
reelection!
Vane
Please.
(Dorman leaves. After a minute Olympia peeks in.)
Olympia
Is that dreadful man gone?
Vane
Yes, for a long time. He's leaving the country.
Olympia (fainting)
What! He can't do that to me.
Vane
Olympia!
Olympia
To hell with you.
CURTAIN