A new tale of a tub: written for the delight and instruction of every British subject in particular, and all the world in general.

Table of contents

- [halftitle]

- [titlepage]

- THE EDITOR UNTO THE CHRISTIAN READER.

- CHAPTER I. Birth, parentage and education, of James Tory.

- CHAPTER II. How James Tory came to England and became manager of an estate.

- CHAPTER III. Digression on Estates.

- CHAPTER IV. First appearance of Will Whig.

- CHAPTER V. Of the family of the Whigs.

- CHAPTER VI. Digression on pedigrees.

- CHAPTER VII. Digression upon old books, and old wigs.

- CHAPTER VIII. How Will Whig opposed James Tory.

- CHAPTER IX. How James Tory turned Papist, and got upon a high Horse, and rode to the Devil.

- CHAPTER X. How Will Whig became manager of the Estate.

- CHAPTER XI. How Will Whig increased the rents, and em ployed them in bribery.

- CHAPTER XII. How James Tory opposedd Will Whig.

- CHAPTER XIII. Digresson upon Opposition.

- CHAPTER XIV. How Will Whig proved that a high horse is a low one.

- CHAPTER XV. How James Tory supplanted Will Whig in the management.

- CHAPTER XVI. How James bribed, and swore, and lied.

- CHAPTER XVII. How James lost a part of the estate.

- CHAPTER XVIII. How James and Will formed a coalition.

- CHAPTER XIX. A digression on coalitions.

- CHAPTER XX. The birth and education of Jack Common-good.

- CHAPTER XXI. The Speech of Jack to James and Will.

- CHAPTER XXII. Jack's visit to Frankland.

- CHAPTER XXIII. How Jack Common-good was made manager of the estate.

- CHAPTER XXIV. How Jack reformed the Estate.

A NEW TALE OF A TUB.

FINIS.

A NEW TALE OF A TUB.

A NEW TALE OF A TUB, WRITTEN FOR THE DELIGHT AND INSTRUCTION OF EVERY BRITISH SUBJECT IN PARTICULAR, AND ALL THE WORLD IN GENERAL.

Duplex libelli dos est: quod risum movet;

Et quod prudente vitam consilio monet.

PHAEDRUS.

LONDON: PRINTED FOR J. RIDGWAY, NO. 1, YORK-STREET, ST. JAMES'S-SQUARE.

1790.

THE EDITOR UNTO THE CHRISTIAN READER.

THE manuscript copy of the following unaccountable, and most surprising, work fell into my hands, gentle reader, by the mere favour of good chance. For I being placed at my table, eating mine supper, sent for some cheese for the same; and, lo, around it were wrapped some leaves of the treatise now presented unto thee. My curiosity being stirred, I hasted to the cheese-mongers, and was so fortunate as to redeem the whole, except a few leaves, which were torn therefrom; and which defects I have carefully marked by asterisms.

The cheese-monger could give me no essential information concerning the manuscript, except that he bought it among others in Grub-street, from the effects of a deceast author.

The author was without doubt of an elevated turn of mind, for he lived in a cock-loft: As to the treatise it must speak for itself: but I cannot help observing, that it is not deficient in nonsense, and that this giveth me the warmest expectations that it will sell like bread.

I could, after painful endeavours, learn nothing further concerning the author of this erudite and diverting work, except that he was born, and that he died; but where, and when, must be left to the discoveries of future antiquaries.

The manuscript had passed through the hands of some learned critics, who have marked small annotations, which I present unto thee as I found them. Fruere et vale.

CHAPTER I. Birth, parentage and education, of James Tory.

A VAST, you critic, with the brown face and sharp nose! What! you are already prying to discover some nakedness, are you? You are rummaging your pockets for your little rule and line, to apply to this sublime treatise. But I let you to know that this great, and arduous, work has so many angles, tangents, and capricious excrescences, that it sets your rule and line at defiance. Be gone then: call for pen, ink, and paper; and write some work of your own—and then write a criticism upon it—and reduce it to your rules.

Your rules, indeed! all rules have exceptions: and, to confirm a proverb, I shall tell you a little story:

A worthy old gentleman of my acquaintance, sick of the gang of town servants, hired a raw lad from the country, and resolved to tutor him himself. So, upon the evening of Hob-nail's arrival, he was summoned to the parlour, and Testy began thus: "I do not wish, Hob, to over-load your memory with too many instructions at once; but I shall content myself, my lad, with giving you one at a time; and when I see that you practise that, then I shall give you another. As you are but raw from the country, the first lesson I shall give you is, to be upon your guard against the roguish deceptions of this vile town. In buying, make it a general rule never to give above half what is asked." Hob bowed, and retired. Next morning the postman comes with a letter, and asks sixpence. Hob, remembering the rule, pours threepence into his hand, and the door in his face. Rat tat a tat goes the knocker, again and again, so as to alarm the neighbourhood, and awake my old gentleman, to the pangs of the gout, from his first slumber. The reason of the uproar is asked. The story is told. "D—n you for a fool," says old Testy, "do not you know that there is no rule without exceptions?"

This work, Mr. Critic, must not be judged by rules, but by exceptions: and, to shew you how much I despise your rules, I have a strong inclination to begin my Tale of a Tub at the end, and so to walk backwards like a crab to the beginning. But hold: I shall not allow your rules to put me out of my way neither; so I shall begin at the beginning, and commence at the commencement; lest I fall under the ignorant monk's description of a Hebrew book, Item, a book which begins at the end.

The place, and time, of James Tory's birth are strongly contested among the literati. Some say that he was a relation of Nimrod, and laid the first stone of the Tower of Babel[*]. Others say that he was the son of one of the Patriarchs[*]. Some profound antiquaries, as M. Gebelin, M. Baily, Dr. Parsons, and Colonel Vallancey, do most strenuously assert that James Tory was begot, by the Devil, upon Eve; and that Adam was made a cuckold while he was eating the apple[†]. They also add, that Satan laid aside his crown of horns upon this occasion, that he might not frighten his mistress; and that Adam clapped it upon his own head: and from that memorable hour, horns and cuckoldry have been concatenated. They also add, that the word James, in the Shamscrit and Malabaric languages, signifies love, and that Tory means power.

From this have Lord Monboddo, and some other clear metaphysicians, concluded that this is a nut: and that the kernel of allegory is, that Satan being kicked out of the upper boxes for his love of power; and the same love of power being, as Chaucer tells, the ruling passion, indeed the essential form, of woman; the two loves of power, thus coalescing, begot a quintessential form of love of power; which form was called James Tory. I hope what I have said is not clear. If it be clear, the reader has only to submit it, by letter, to Lord Monboddo, and he will render it as dark as any metaphysical question needs to be[*].

James Tory, from a child, was always fond of riding upon a high horse, and looking down upon his equals. He used to say that he was a king, nay king of kings; and some thought him very wise; and some thought his brain was not a little deranged. He would often tell the little boys, his companions, that they were but ants and vermin; while he was the very image and lieutenant of God. They, in return, told him that he was an unruly brat, and only superior to them in pride and uncharitableness; and that they knew him better than the mother that bore him[*]. He told them he had always a sure argument to convince the refractory. They asked for his argument; and as he was a stout boy, and loved to play with those weaker than himself, he would kick them all round, and then take their sugar plumbs from them. Even when grown up, this was his chief argument in debate; and he called it his argumentum ad puerum; for the argumentum ad hominem he did not like, and never used.

When he came to man's-estate, he was the loyalest subject the king had. He said that kings were the images of God, especially inspired by him, and infallible. That men were made for kings, as sheep are made for men. That the Devil was the first whig, and stood at the head of the first opposition. A grave man present told him, that he was speaking rank blasphemy, by comparing the weakness and fallibility of man, with the omnipotence and infallibility of his Creator. That kings had generally two legs, and seldom three eyes; and that they were not only men, but, in virtue of their education, the weakest of men. That till he could prove that kings were endued with all the perfections of the Deity—"That I shall prove at once," said James; and knocked the grave man down.

But the grave man was a personage of wealth and influence: and the consequence was that James was banished.

Notes

*
That is, he was born with the first Monarchy. WARBURTON.
↵

*
Alluding to Filmer's Patriarchal Scheme, wherein absolute indefcasible right is derived from the Patriarchs. WARBURTON.
↵

†
It is not certain whether in was an apple that Adam are. Some suppose the fatal fruit to be the pear, called Cuisse Madame. STEEVENS.
↵

*
The darkness or tenebrancy of metaphysics progenerates from the tenebrificous oscitancy of man. JOHNSON.
↵

*
This is an evident allusion to the History of JOHN Dawson and his Mother, printed at London, 1593, 4to. black letter. STEEVENS.
↵

CHAPTER II. How James Tory came to England and became manager of an estate.

JAMES was thus forced to set sail, and abandon his native country. After many adventures, not recorded in this authentic history, James was landed in England.

His proud humour stuck close by him, and exposed him to many disagreeable accidents. He was rolled in the kennel, at the point of Portsmouth, for using his argumentum ad pucrum to an English sailor[*]; and was tossed into a dung cart for repeating it to a carman.

James thought he had got into the infernal regions[†]; and being, like other blustering bullies, a coward at heart, was about to be circumspect, when a certain Lord made James the manager of an estate.

Here James was in his element. He again called himself the lieutenant of God; and oppressed the poor tenants, and shared their spoils with the rich ones. He became fond of the rich tenants, because they supported and shared his extortions.

He was also a great usurer; and aspiring to get soon rich by this practice, as he was one evening smoking a pipe with the parson of the parish, he requested the parson to preach against usury. The honest clergyman told him that it might he looked upon as a satire against James himself; and that he begged to be excused. But James insisting violently, the parson promised that he would: and, accordingly, next Sunday he preached so well against this crying vice, that all the usurers in the neighbourhood were frightened, and gave up the trade, so that James got the whole.

James, though the greatest knave in the parish, always affected great piety. He would pray, and roll up the whites of his eyes, in the high way. "Church and King" was his constant toast; and when he wanted to oppress any poor tenant, in an extraordinary way, he always took a clergyman with him, and gave him part of the spoils; and said all that he did was for the service of God, and the good of the church.

He used to observe that the barbarians, who established the feudal system of king and aristocracy, and forgot that the people were men, were very wise. For wisdom could only be found in kings, and nobles, and clergy; and was denied to all else for wise purposes. For the people were mere pecora campi; and their business was, like bees, to make honey for the king, peers, and clergy; and then to be singed to death for their pains.

Notes

*
See the ballad of Jack and Sall. STEEVENS.
↵

†
A learned allusion, le roi d'Angleterre est le roi d'enfer, says a French proverb. WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER III. Digression on Estates.

I HAVE always admired what parson Adams calls "the pedestrian expedition", because of the perfect freedom which attends it. In a coach or in a chaise, one cannot look every way, sir; and one cannot stop to get out, and examine every thing curious. An equipage is one of the many miseries of the great; and forms one link of the chain of formality, which constrains them, and prevents that free enjoyment of existence, which the great would envy the peasantry for, if they had sense enough to form an idea of its delights.

In a buggy, madam, or upon a horse, one is forced to attend more to the horse than to the landscape; whereas on foot one is quite at one's ease. One may step to a ditch to gather a wild flower, one may ascend a hill to enjoy a prospect, one may descend into a hollow glen to look up at a cascade, one may — but hold! What may one not do?

Now this profound work is a species of pedestrian expedition in literature. The author is not mounted in the phaeton of poetry, nor in the chaise of dissertation, nor in the buggy of novel-writing, nor upon the horse of criticism, and far less in the state-coach of history. No, sir, he is a literary Powell; only he does not walk for a wager. Rather he is upon a pedestrian excursion of pleasure, and is resolved to see and describe any object which strikes him, though it may be a little out of his way. The only rule he shall sollow in his digressions and wanderings, is not to forget his road and get into a morass.

Estates are of many kinds, but chiefly of three. If managed by one person, it is an emblem of monarchy; if by a few of the richer tenants, it is an aristocracy; if by all in conjunction for common good, it is a democracy.

Each plan has its faults and its excellencies.

Faults are.

In a monarchy, it is ten to one if the manager does not forget that he is made for the tenants, and not the tenants for him. Hence he becomes a tyrant, and commands about him without law or reason. You fellow, you have a fair estate of your own, give it to me, or I shall put you to death. You, Dick, you have a handsome wife, you unconscionable dog, lend her to me for a night, or you shall be hanged in her garters[*]. But this is nothing. The tenants tremble before their tyrant, and get slavish and lazy, and cannot have spirits to work; so all are unhappy, and the estate goes to wreck, and is sold to the best bidder. Perhaps the manager is a weak man, and knows it; and in this case the tyranny is worse. He buys him a certain number of chests, with good locks, which cannot be picked. Then by degrees he puts impositions upon the tenants, till he squeezes most of their money into the said chests. Then he employs his cash in bribing the better sort of tenants to do as he pleases; and they employ theirs in bribing the inferior class. And thus the money of the tenants is employed in bribing them; and all is one mass of corruption. O fy!

Give me some civet, good apothecary,

To sweeten mine imagination.

A general pestilence is not so destructive to mankind as general corruption in a state. The one destroys the body, the other the soul. All honesty is tainted. Conscience hangs quite wide and loose; and is at last cut into shreds and made into a purse. This is the worst kind of tyranny, and the ne plus ultra of bad government. Open despotism only degrades the mind; but this blackens, rots[*], and annihilates it. Not to add that, in the former, the tenants can do nothing against main force; while, in the latter, they have the additional consolation to know that all is owing to their own simplicity, and that they are oppressed because they are dupes.

The faults of aristocratical management are chiefly, that here are many tyrants, instead of one; and the evil increases in proportion. One may escape the attention of one tyrant, but a number forms an Argus, with a hundred eyes[†], and nothing escapes them. My neighbour may be one of the tyrants, and may take a fancy to my garden. If the aristocracy be hereditary, it is still worse than if elective; for the latter will stand upon character, will run after the shadow of fame; while the members of the former may be gamblers and horse-jockeys. What then? They are born better than other men; their very vices and faults are entitled to respect; and they are universally respected and imitated. O ho, says Beelzebub, this is my own invention. I have a patent for it. Yes, infernal daemon, what plan could contribute so much to people your domains, as to institute a hereditary order of right honourable vices, to attract the respect and imitation of all mankind?

The faults of a democracy, in managing an estate, consist chiefly in its envy of merit: for, as all are equal, the people think that merit and abilities are also equally shared among them, which will never be the case; and if superior merit appear, all join in an ostracism against it. This management likewise tends much to anarchy, and anarchy to tyranny. Nay a democracy, if not very wisely adjusted, is often the worst of all tyrannies, exerted against particular classes of its own members. Contrariorum eadem est ratio: which means, madam, that if you will bend a serpent round, and put its tail in its mouth, the head and tail will become all one. Let us not, however, confound a plethocracy [*] with a democracy, the government of the mob with the government of the people. The mob in modern countries is, in political consideration, of the same account with the slaves in Greece and Rome. Not that they should be real slaves, but on the contrary as free and happy as their station and education will permit; but, as the ancient slaves, they should hold no share of government, even in a democracy. The reason is their want of education, the violence of their passions, and the weakness of their reason. They are perpetual children, and not even to be trusted with the management of themselves, lest they should do themselves harm. A democracy should consist of the middle ranks of people; and its superiority to other forms arises from this, that the middle class is always the most enlightened, and the most rational of the community; neither giddy with power and wealth, nor debased by the frozen hand of penury.

Now for excellencies.

Those of a monarchy are * * * * * * * * * * * hiatus valde deflendus * * * * * *

Those of an aristocracy I never could discover.

Those of a democracy consist in its being the only form, which preserves all the dignity of man; not only so, but gives him additional dignity, ennobles the man, and leads to great thoughts and great actions. Genius of Athens, where art thou? But stop. Athens contained only about thirty thousand people; and what has the government of so small a state to do with that of millions? Certain it is that Plato, and Aristotle, and Cicero, in their theoretic republics formed no idea, probably could form no idea, of a republic extended beyond the bounds of one city. Yet pedants apply their maxims to modern states; as if my little boy there, God bless him! should pretend to manage a war-horse, because he can ride a hobby-horse[*]. Holland and Venice are not republics but aristocracies. Switzerland the same. America consists of federative republics; perhaps it may be one republic, but it is not yet tried. Let France try the experiment, which we look on. It is a dangerous experiment. A democracy of twenty-four millions would be a phaenomenon in human history. Let them try. Let us mend our own ways, and wait.

Notes

*
The author is so full of double meanings, that I take this to allude to the Order of the Garter. STEEVENS.
An error of the learned critic. The sense is literal. WARBURTON.

↵

*
More scientifically, 'it nigrates and putredinates.' JOHNSON.
↵

†
Alluding to the inscription which a gentleman put upon his library, 'Hic Argus esto non Briarius.' STEEVENS.
↵

*
Plethocracy is from the Greek,
〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉
the mob. WARB.

↵

*
See the History of Whittington and his Cat, 1565, black letter. STEEVENS.
↵

CHAPTER IV. First appearance of Will Whig.

JAMES Tory proceeded in the management of the estate, as you have heard. He was a bullying dog, and abused every body without opposition. If he appeared, off went the hats of the tenants, and down they bowed lower than to the rector[*].

But James was always for more and more respect; till at last his pride arose to such a pitch that he said he was God's vice-gerent; and, as such, must never be approached without a degree of adoration; and every knee must be bent in his presence.

Now the bending of the knee depends considerably, as natural historians observe, upon the flexibility of the muscles and suppleness of the joints; and, as ceremonialists remark, upon the cleanness of the floor, where the knee is to be bent.

Both these circumstances operated against the requisition of James. The knees of the farmers were very stiff, and were bent with much the same facility as those of an elephant. James was dirty as well as proud, and his floors were none of the cleanest. So the farmers began to be clamorous, and a meeting was called, when a clever young fellow got up and spoke thus:

"We are informed in scripture, my friends, that pride was not made for man. It is so heterogeneous to his nature and condition, that, if introduced into his frame, it saps the very powers of reason by slow but sure degrees. It is like cyder, which intoxicates by inflation. It is a windy complaint; and, if not emitted downwards, flies to the brain and swells it with extravagant schemes. If many a great conqueror and rattling blade had had able physicians, the world would never have been troubled with them. It appears to me, under favour, that a strong carminative has become absolutely necessary to our manager James Tory. As I know a little of medicine, I shall prepare a carminative draught, and carry it to him myself."

The farmers were all pleased with this motion; and gave Will Whig, for this was the young man's name, full power to prepare, and administer the said carminative potion to James Tory, in their names.

Will soon got the draught ready, and being admitted to the presence of James, addressed him in such terms as these:

"Mr. James, the tenants upon this estate being informed, by evident symptoms, that you are much troubled with a windy complaint called pride, have desired me to present this potion to you, which will prove a speedy and effectual cure."

James was so convulsed with rage, that at first he could neither speak nor move. But when he recovered the use of his tongue, and of his hands, he employed the former in calling Will a thousand ugly names, and the latter in throwing the potion in his face, and breaking the pot on his head.

As Will was prepared for such a reception, he contented himself with tripping up the heels of James, and left him sprawling upon his dirty floor.

Notes

*
Wrong: For the spiritual power was always above the temporal. See my Alliance of Church and State. WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER V. Of the family of the Whigs.

WHEN a man makes any figure, one feels a natural desire to know who he is, and all about him. As in this delightful and instructive treatise, the author has made it is humble endeavour to please his reader in all his lawful desires; he now stops to give such information as he can recover, concerning Will Whig.

As to the parentage of Will, there are many disputes among the antiquaries and genealogists. Some say that the family was originally of Greek extraction; others say Roman[*]. These reports, perhaps, arose among ignorant people, from the circumstance that Will was a great Greek and Latin scholar.

Some orientalists will have it that the family was Tyrian; others Carthaginian[†]; but oriental scholars are fond of vague conjecture, and seldom sacrifice to good sense.

After much lucubration and great examination of this subject, I am inclined to think that the Whig family came to this country from the woods of Germany. Their features and manners agreed so perfectly with the description of the ancient Germans, given us by that wag Tacitus, that I have little doubt upon this score; and the constant tradition of the family confirms this idea. If the reader will not believe me, let him, to use the style of Dr. Bentley, go and think for himself, and be d—d. I remember I once convinced a great antiquary, that the Whigs were of German extract, after all my other arguments had failed, by telling him that Will Whig always used both hands to buckle his shoes, as the Germans generally do[*]. See—'s Travels.

Will Whig's ancestors were once in great repute, and managed this very farm now oppressed by James Tory[*]. But they afterwards fell back in the world; and had lived in poverty and neglect for many generations.

Will's father was a plain industrious husbandman; and his mother a comely clean old woman, as good a manager as ever trode in shoes; but withal as good a scold as ever wore out a tongue.

As Will was their only son, and a promising youth, they had made a shift to give him a good education at school and college. Whence he imbibed a spirit superior to that of any young farmer in the neighbourhood; and his father always said that the boy would do honour to the family.

Will was a tall handsome lad, with a ruddy complexion, and yellow hair[*]. With his friends he was as gentle as a child; but, upon the sight of oppression, or cruelty of any kind, he was as bold as the oaken stick he constantly wore. Many a servant of James Tory did he thrash handsomely, for attempting to take the hens of old women, and to use freedoms with the young. Nay, when one of them was going to steal a blind man's dog, Will almost murdered him. In short, he was the universal protector; and all who were injured came to Will for help or advice[*]. At the least specimen of injustice his blood would boil; and at any tale of generosity tears would leap from his eyes.

Notes

*
Because the abhorrible essence of Whiggism is deducted, by many, from the revivescence of erudition, and the liberate spirit of the Greek and Roman authors. JOHNSON.
↵

†
Certainly the latter government was considerably democratic. See Polybius, who imputes the fall of Carthage to its democracy; and the rise of Rome to its aristocracy. WARBURTON.
↵

*
An argument must be accommodated to the auditor. Intellectus est in intelligente, ad modum intelligentis. WARBURTON.
↵

*
Because among our ancestors, the Germans, the people were the sole fountain of power. See Tacitus in Germania. WARBURTON.
↵

*
There seems hardly a line in this profound work, but what has as allegorical meaning; and there is little doubt but the well-known features of the ancient Germans are here alluded to. WARBURTON.
The author rather seems, to me, to allude to the song of 'The Yellow-haired Laddie.' STEEVENS.

↵

*
Will would have terebrated his temporary intervals more sapiently, in revolving the sacrific scripture, and learning a submissive demeanance to the higher potencies. JOHNSON.
↵

CHAPTER VI. Digression on pedigrees.

LADIES are apt to smile at the perusal of genealogies. No wonder. They are in the secret.

When a certain monarch was told that, in such a family, there had not occurred one instance of female frailty, he answered, "The family cannot be ancient."

The pedigree of the Whig family we have not given, because we could not find it in the records. We believe, however, with the heralds, that every man in it was the son of his father; and know, to a certainty, that every woman was the daughter of her own mother.

The pedigrees, even of the royal families of Europe, extend not beyond 600 years, or poor 20 generations; and yet how many mistakes are in them, only known to the ladies! Welsh and Irish pedigrees extend to the flood, and to Adam. Their women were, apparently, very chaste:—or their genealogists very foolish.

Charming sex! from which arise all our pleasures worthy of that name, how can you take such delight in puzzling a poor devil of a genealogist?

CHAPTER VII. Digression upon old books, and old wigs.

MANY an old book have I looked into, in order to discover the genealogy of the Whigs; and a good old wig did I burn by stooping heedlessly near my lamp, in the intenseness of my lucubration. This chapter shall, therefore, treat of old wigs, and old books, by way of memorial.

An old wig, and an old book, may be compared together, for both sit easy. The wig has already gone through all the twistings and trials, necessary to make it keep close and comfortable to the head; and the book has passed the fiery trials of the critics, and one does not read it to find fault, but to learn.

A library of old books may be considered as inhabited by the souls of all the authors. Do you wish to converse with a soul, and to gather its best and most refined thoughts, take down its book.

A new book, like a fine lady, must be approached with great delicacy, that you may not discompose its prim appearance and rich dress. An old book, like an old friend, may be used with no ceremony. You may toss it, like an old wig, where ever you please.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Hiatus in codice * * * * * * * * *[†].

Notes

†
This defect in the manuscript is to be regretted, for there seems to be no doubt but the author here gave a catalogue of all the black letter pamphlets, published in the sixteenth century. STEEVENS.
↵

CHAPTER VIII. How Will Whig opposed James Tory.

LET me return to my subject. It may easily be believed that, after the adventure which has been narrated, James Tory singled out Will Whig for the object of his most cordial detestation. Nor was Will wanting in return.

James did every thing in his power to mortify Will; and Will wrote satires upon James, and sent them all over the parish. James could not punish Will, because it was not then discovered that truth was a libel.

But the enmity between them was further exasperated upon the following occasions.

James, as the reader has been told, was very pious, and a pious knave is the worst of all; for a common knave pays some respect to common rules, but a pious knave has no rule but his internal feelings; and sets all human laws and social decencies at defiance. Nor is it a crime to cheat the ungodly.

Now James, in his great piety and christian charity, formed a book of prayers for children[*]; and would insist upon this book being used by the dissenting tenants; though they thanked him, and said they could pray very well. He swore a great oath that if they would not kneel to him, they should at least kneel to God. They became angry; and said they would not kneel because it was pagan, and an invention of anti-christ; and that they believed that James himself was but a bastard of the whore of Babel. Will Whig laughed at all this, but encouraged them in their obstinacy; because useful to him in his designs against James Tory. Wise men sometimes encourage the folly of others, because it serves their purposes.

This dispute was terminated by an old woman, who threw a joint stool at the head of James Tory[*]. James was carried home in bad plight, and never had courage to revive his scheme.

But, as his hot head was fertile in projects, he resolved to build a boat for his amusement when he went a fishing, and to make all the tenants contribute to the expence of this boat[*]. This turned out still worse than the praying scheme; for, as philosophers justly observe, a man's purse is the most sensitive part about him; and he will defend it at the risque of his life. The tenants were all alarmed; and saw that if they yielded to this demand it would become a precedent for future exactions. A meeting was called, and Will Whig took the chair. It was resolved, with only two dissentient voices, not to pay a penny.

James being informed of this meeting, came to it with some soldiers to seize upon Will Whig[*], but Will had escaped before his arrival.

Matters now came to the last extremity between James and Will. Both had followers, and many skirmishes and some sharp battles happened between them. But Will at the end got the better, and shut James up in his house, not to appear upon pain of a broken head.

The question now was how to manage the estate; and, as in all ferments the scum is apt to get uppermost, so it happened here. Some of the dissenting tenants were the worst fanatics, that were ever blown up, like empty bladders, with crazy enthusiasm. These having attained great reputation among the rest, for their superior sanctity, now made use of their religious reputation to persuade the others that religion and honesty were all one; that, as they were the most religious, they were also the most honest; and so ought, for common benefit, to be preferred to the management of the estate[*].

But no sooner were they installed, than they shewed that their religion was but a cloke for self-interest. Bayle's famous problem, that atheism is less hurtful to society than superstition, was verified at once. Every one was guided by his own inward light; and guided to actions which in others would have been esteemed diabolical, but as they were the deeds of the godly were all holy. The inward light was so variously refracted and reflected in their mental prisms and mirrors, that it proved a mere wildfire, and led them into morasses; where they would strip themselves naked and dance in the mud, to the no small merriment of the byestanders. And yet the light of reason they never would use, calling it a farthing candle, which might be had in every shop.

At last one of them, who was a very cunning and clever fellow[*], and only a pretender to the inward light, with the assistance of some soldiers, seized upon these fanatics, and shut them up in dark cells; after procuring their consent, in presence of the tenants, that he should manage the estate himself.

Will Whig was not a little astonished to find a new manager in full possession, and with all the tyrannical powers and dispositions of James Tory. Will resolved not to allow one of his comrades to be his lord and master; and, with the assistance of the old soldiers, he turned him out; and James Tory, taking advantage of the tumult, got his place again.

Notes

*
Surely an allusion to the Book of Common Prayer, proposes to the Church of Scotland in the reign of Charles the first, and which was the first spring of the grand rebellion. WARBURTON.
↵

*
This was really the well known termination of this great scheme. WARBURTON.
↵

*
This allegory must refer to the ship-money affair, another spring of the grand rebellion. WARBURTON.
↵

*
Is this the visit of Charles I. to the House of Commons in order to seize the refractory members? WARBURTON.
The dubiety of the erudite commentator is a proof of somnolency for the apparence is clarificous. JOHNSON.

↵

*
The government of those fanatics who constituted the Commonwealth of England. WARBURTON.
↵

*
Oliver Cromwell. WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER IX. How James Tory turned Papist, and got upon a high Horse, and rode to the Devil.

ALL this was effected so speedily, that Will Whig had not time nor opportunity to cause James Tory to sign a bond, for a more equitable management of the estate, before he was put again into his office.

The consequence was, that James, instead of being grateful for the unexpected restitution of his place, was exasperated at the ill usage he had met with; anal now looked upon all the tenants as his enemies. His anger at the dissenting tenants, in particular, was extreme, and from mere opposition to their Calvinistic tenets, he resolved to turn Roman Catholic. He found that religion very convenient, because he might commit any crime he pleased, and be pardoned at once by confessing it to his priest.

At first he was contented to go to mass privately, and did not much like to be seen by any of the tenants. He became more close and insidious than ever, and was always forming plots against Will; and Will sometimes returned the compliment[*]. James was now, as has been observed, particularly irritated against the dissenting tenants, who worshipped a certain stern and bloody idol called Calvin. He would sometimes set the law at defiance, in his eager revenge against them; and would proceed to such lengths as to burn their houses, nay to cut off an ear or two of the proprietors, if he could catch them at an unguarded hour. But as the ears of all fanatics are particularly large and long, and of very vigorous growth, this was no great oppression.

But he proceeded to still greater extremities against the poor worshippers of Calvin. He would insist that every one of them should say, "God save James Tory;" and when they refused, he caused them to be put into diverse torturing engines, till the poor devils were all in blood, and had every joint of their body dislocated.

Will Whig, whose generous heart could not bear to see even folly and fanaticism crushed by oppression, warmly took their part; and going to the presence of James, who was then dallying with a favourite mistress[*], he spoke to him thus:

"What business have you, sir, with any man's opinion, any more than with the colour of his coat? If he pays his rent, and does not disturb his neighbours, is it not enough? Do not you know that opinions vary as much as faces, and must I give up a part of my long nose to mend your short one? Do as you would be done by, in the devil's name, and let every man use his wife and his opinion as he pleases. How would you like, sir, to have your opinions subject to those of another; and has not any man, of opposite opinion, the same right to quarrel with you, as you have to quarrel with him? Suppose I am a deist, and adore but one God, am not I as rational as you who adore three, and yet would kill any polytheist if you could catch him? A truce then with your persecution of these poor devils; and learn that to persecute any society is the way to increase and condense it. If you wish them to change their opinions, let them alone; and neglect and time will effect what persecution can never do. Look at this snow-ball, which I have brought as an emblem for your instruction. If you will imprison it in your cellar, it will last for ever; but put it in the genial warmth of the sun, and it will melt and vanish away."

'D—n your snow-balls,' said James in great rage, 'would you pretend to instruct me how to manage? Get along, you tatterdemallion! Out of my sublime presence this moment!'

Will was going to reply, but seeing some of James' myrmidons at hand, he thought it prudent to retreat, and wait for a fitter opportunity of taking his revenge.

James now thought himself above all contradiction; and to shew the tenants how much he despised all that they could say, he bought unto himself a high horse, and rode to mass publickly[*].

This grieved even those tenants who had hitherto befriended James, and all muttered their discontent. They resolved to carry their complaints to the lord of the estate; and he, at their request, consented that if James would not behave as he ought, he should be deprived.

But James, far from altering his behaviour, was occupied with quite a new and odd idea, proceeding, as some suppose, from mere intoxication.

Not contented with going to mass himself, he would insist that all the tenants should go to mass; and ordered them all, upon pain of death, to believe that a crust of bread was the leg of a duck[*].

The tenants seeing James so far gone, clapped him upon his high horse, and conducting him out of the bounds of the estate, they wished him a good journey.

Notes

*
Alluding to the meal-tub plot, and other plots, in the reign of Charles II. WARBURON.
The 〈…〉, in which the plot was found, is now in the col••ction of Mr. Pegge; but it wants the bottom and sides. STEEVENS.

↵

*
An allusion to the whoremongership of Charles II. WARBURTON.
↵

*
The allegory is here so plain as to require no interpretation. WARBURTON.
↵

*
Is this transubstantiation? WARBURTON.
This transubstantiationality is so longitudinous a word or effation, that I must consess my predilection for its verbosity and quintessentialness. It had been a superior consideration for old England to have manducated this leg of a duck, than to have been matter of manducation to rats. JOHNSON.

↵

CHAPTER X. How Will Whig became manager of the Estate.

UPON this great event a meeting was called, and it was agreed that Will Whig should be recommended to the lord as the properest person to manage the estate. The lord consented, and Will was installed accordingly.

Will promised great things; but the tenants were so angry with James, for wanting them to go to mass, and to believe that a crust of bread was the leg of a duck, that this insult was uppermost in their thoughts; and they made it almost the only article in their agreement with Will, that he should never insist upon these subjects. Will could not help laughing at their simplicity, when it lay in their power to prescribe any terms to him; and very cheerfully promised not to desire them to act or believe in such matters, but as they wished.

Will began his management in a tolerable manner. The good of the tenants was always in his mouth; and yet their good was often sacrificed to that of Frogland[*], a neighbouring parish where Will had some relations. Will however, by a formal deed, confirmed all the tenants of the estate in their rights, and provided against future encroachments.

As the tenants were surrounded with bad neighbours, who would come when an opportunity offered and steal their effects, Will insisted that a body of watchmen should be provided at the common expence; and that he should be their leader and paymaster. The oldest tenants in vain represented that this was giving Will too much power; and that watchmen were the worst of all thieves. The measure was carried[*].

The consequence was that Will became more powerful than James Tory had ever been. A body of watchmen attended him every where, and Will began to forget his equals.

Notes

*
As the author gets into more modern affairs, I always understand his allegory; but dare not, and happily need not, explain it. WARBURTON.
The caution of the learned critic surprises me. For the author palpably alludes to Homer's Battle of the Frogs and Mice. STEEVENS.

Warburton is rectitudinous, and the obsuscance of the second commentator is stupendous. JOHNSON.

↵

*
A standing army? WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER XI. How Will Whig increased the rents, and employed them in bribery.

ALAS, what heart or head can bear the giddy elevation of power! Power is like an intoxicating liquor, the more that is drank the more is called for, till at last the drinker is lost in absolute stupor! Such is the effect of power, that most of the royal races in the world have terminated in imbecillity; witness, among others, the two first regal progenies of France; and the Saxon races of England, which began with men of talents, and terminated with saints!

Even Will Whig, as honest a lad as ever breathed, with a heart as warm as summer, and a head as cool as autumn, could not withstand the inflating draught of power.

He soon begun to dress himself so like James Tory, that it was hardly possible to distinguish them at a distance. The tenants were all surprised at the change; but soon learned, at their expence, that a manager will be a manager.

Instead of his old familiar intercourse with the tenants, Will never went out but with a troop of his watchmen about him, as much as to say, "Keep your distance!" Instead of his old hearty laugh, he would hardly deign to smile: and he forbad the tenants to have any puppet-shows, before he had seen them, lest the puppets should mimic the change of his behaviour[*].s

He took such a liking to a piece of ground he had, in a country called Henland, lying beyond Frogland, that he would often retire there, and waste the rents of the estate in idle frolics. Nay, he has been heard to declare that he would, at any time, sacrifice the management of the estate to the interests of Henland.

Upon pretence of the necessity of a greater number of watchmen, to defend the property of the tenants, he raised new contributions; and then sent the watchmen to defend his own ground in Henland. The tenants began to murmur; but their murmurs were increased when Will Whig, upon various pretences, raised all the rents of the estate.

James Tory dared not to venture upon such a trying measure; for he was sensible that the tenants hated him, and might murder him if he gave such great provocation. But Will was so much persuaded of the confidence, which the tenants reposed in him, that he thought they would oppose no measure of his.

The tenants, however, were very clamorous upon this occasion; and Will found it absolutely necessary to use effectual means to pacify them.

For this purpose he called some of the richer tenants to his cabinet; and told them that he did not mean to have the sole profit of these exorbitant rents, but that, if they would support his cause, he should give each of them a share of the emoluments. The rich tenants greedily assented to the proposal: and Will said that he found "Every man had his price."

The tenants who before were an honest good sort of people, soon became the wickedest set in the world. An universal corruption took place. Their time, which was formerly employed in useful labour, and rural recreations, was now spent in alehouses, and gambling.

"No management can be carried on without influence; and money is the surest influence," became an universal maxim among the tenants. The wiser shook their heads; and said that a secret and mysterious management, for the interest of a few individuals, indeed required influence of a particular kind. But an open and liberal plan of management, calculated for the benefit of all, required no influence but the good opinion of the greater part of the tenants, which was sure to attend it.

"Mankind," said they, "have always been used as children by their governors. Nothing can be more simple than a good government: nothing more complex than a bad. Frankness incites confidence; and mystery annuls it. Secrecy in government is useless either to friends or enemies. Wax is a system of wickedness; and therefore secrecy should attend its projects. But in peace, no government should have mysteries; and most especially not to its own people. A king should come forward and say, 'My people, my friends, your good is mine, our interests are one. I have no projects but for your happiness; I shall tell you freely what I mean to do; and do you tell me freely what you with.'

Thus did they compare their grounds to a kingdom: and surely the government of both should be equally simple, and for the common good.

Will however still had his own way. At first he used to follow the wishes of the tenants; but now he had only to propose a scheme, and it was carried by a majority.

Some of the tenants, however, were left virtuous, because Will could not afford to bribe all. They began frankly to tell Will that he was as great a knave as James Tory, and paid as little attention to the good of the tenants; and that they would call back James if he did not reform.

"Are not you a great rogue," said one of them to Will, "to oppress those very people who made you manager? Think on the carminative draught, which you exhibited to James Tory; and take one yourself, for you need it. As for James, he was born a tyrannous fellow, and we never knew him otherwise: but for you, one of us, a creature of our own making to follow his example, nay, to oppress us more than he did! You shall be taught better manners, in faith!"

Will only laughed: and asked them what other manager they had in embryo?

Notes

*
The act for restraining the freedom of the stage. WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER XII. How James Tory opposedd Will Whig.

IN the disposition of this sublime work, the author has always been obliged to sacrifice the haut gout of fancy, to the insipidity of truth. Fiction, that goddess of flowers, can sprinkle them as she pleases, and make a parterre of a wilderness. But Truth has only her mirror, and can only shew objects as they really are.

If therefore the incidents in this work appear monotonous, let it be considered that truth makes them so, and will not permit Madam Fancy to use her magical wand.

Not all the mirth of Rabelais can equal that of the tenants, when James Tory unexpectedly made his appearance among them, one day at a fair. He was mounted upon an ass; and from that convenient pulpit, or rostrum, made a speech to the tenants.

He told them how much he had been misrepresented in his absence, as he learned from the friends he yet had on the estate: he asked them what they had gained by exchanging his administration for Will Whig's? Had he taken any carminative draught himself? Had he not shewn more pride, and exerted more oppression, than their old manager? And what title has he to be proud? If I was proud, and perhaps am, have I not a title?"

At this moment an unlucky boy clapping a thistle[*] under suddenly, and landed James in the mud.

A great laugh arose. But some of the tenants, who were still friendly to James, or thought him a fit tool for their purposes against Will Whig, helped him up, and cleaned him; and afterwards resolved to maintain him among them, and give him a cottage to live in.

James was soon at all the secret meetings, which the discontented tenants held, to concert measures against the oppression of Will Whig; and as adversity teaches wisdom, he became a formidable opponent to the manager.

He retaliated all Will's old invectives against his management upon that of Will. He spoke much of the public good, and of liberty, and property. The farmers were as much transported at the change of James Tory's sentiments, as they would have been at the finding wine in a small-beer barrel, and believed James to be quite a reformed man. James only wanted to regain the management.

Will Whig endeavoured to introduce excise-men into the parish; but James mustered his opposition so effectually, that Will had almost been torn in pieces; and he was glad to relinquish the scheme.

Nothing could be more ludicrous than to see James Tory mounted upon his ass[*], and bawling for liberty, except the infatuation of the farmers, who believed him in carnest.

Notes

*
Apparently an allusion to the Scotish rebellion of 1715, or 1745. WARBURTON.
↵

*
This alludes to Ba'aam and his Ass. STEEVENS. An error surely; for no Angel is mentioned as inspiring the ass of James Tory. The ass is apparently a mere symbol of ignorance and obstinacy. WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER XIII. Digresson upon Opposition.

WHAT is called opposition in great matters, is in small called contradiction; a quality with which every master of a family must be tolerably well acquainted.

The spirit of contradiction, in a family, is generally of the feminine gender; and it is well known that it does not proceed so much from a desire of liberty, as from a desire of power.

This is also very often the case with opposition in a political sense.

One would imagine that if every man, in an assembly, voted according to his conscience, he would hardly, in any two questions, find himself exactly in the same company. Yet it so happens, in some great assemblies, that the same body of men will ever propose questions; and another body, acting as one man, always oppose them. It is an obvious point that neither body has any conscience, or attends to the public good.

This will further appear, when we consider that, put the one body of men upon the right side of the house, and the others opposite; in a word make them change places; and the very same measures will be proposed by the opposing body, and opposed by the proposing.

No point in natural philosophy has so much puzzled the adepts as this.

Some think it proceeds from animal magnetism; and imagine that there must be a principle of attraction upon one side of the house, and of repulsion upon the other.

Others suppose that the whole mystery proceeds upon the principles of electricity; and that, as the ancients believed, that when it thundered upon the right hand it was a happy omen, but when upon the left unfortunate, so in this case the electric fire of eloquence is regarded as fortunate on the right, and unfortunate upon the left; and, as when men sit facing, the right hand of the one is in opposition to the left of the other, each body turns to the right, and so the assembly constantly opinionates, and divides, as the members happen to sit. Q. E. D.

But others, not contented with this solution, account for the fact in this way. They suppose that there is suspended in a net, fixt to the roof of the house, a certain number of purses and patents, to which the members are constantly looking up. And as they cannot ascend to reach the said net, except by mutual assistance, and by forming themselves into such pyramids of men, as are shewn at Sadler's Wells; it is necessary that each body should keep together, for the benefit of all its members. Nay, as at Sadler's Wells, if one man of the pyramid were to dissent from the others in any motion, it would ruin the pyramid; such is nearly the case here.

One of these pyramids of men is commonly called a ministry, and the other an opposition. The man at the top of the former is king for the time, and can easily reach at the patents and purses, and hand them down to those who support him. The latter pyramid is so short, that the man at the top cannot reach to the net, till he can persuade some of the bottom supporters of the other pyramid to lend a hand to his.

A ministry is vulgarly defined to be a body of men who impose taxes upon the people, that the ministry may be enabled to bribe their representatives. This is called the perfection of government; and by some the English Constitution.

In this excellent plan of government, it is necessary that the people be dupes; else they will be apt to laugh at the idea of being bribed with their own money. They will say, "We shall not pay enormous taxes, to enable you to govern arbitrarily by bribery. No. Relieve us of our taxes, and govern arbitrarily by power. Deliver us from our representatives, and from the taxes we pay to bribe them; and govern us as you please, as indeed you do at any rate".

As to an opposition it has been briefly defined, "a set of men who with to be ministers."

Liberty, and the public good, are names for certain pills, sold both by ministerial and anti-ministerial quack-doctors; and are thought a sovereign cure for the jaundice, sore eyes, and other political evils.

But as the ministerial quacks generally set up their carriages, and live at their ease, they commonly leave the said pills, and other little medicines, to be sold by the quacks of opposition, who would otherwise be at a loss how to live, and il faut vivre.

An opposition mountebank gets often upon a stage, called the hustings, where he eats fire, and vomits flame, and handles serpents, and all for the public good. Over his head is a board, inscribed LIBERTY AND PROPERTY. And after a speech in much the following terms, he sells his medicines and machines:

"Gentlemen, hem, hem, I do not come here for private emolument, whatever evildisposed people may say; but for the public good, hem, hem, for liberty, gentlemen, d—n me, hem, hem. The public good, gentlemen, is, as I take it, hem, hem, a sort of a what-dye-call-it, ha, a wind-mill, gentlemen, that is blown by the breath, the strong wind of eloquence. As this wind sits, so the mill goes, hem, hem, tantivy. This wind-mill of the public good, gentlemen, grinds corn for private—what was I going to say? for public emolument, for the good of us all, d—n me, hem, hem.

"I come here, gentlemen, for your benefit, for the sake of your precious healths. My pocket indeed is empty, hem, but my heart is full of rectitude, and my head of public spirit, hem, hem. A very good spirit it is, gentlemen. No French brandy, I can assure this honourable audience, but real English, hem. My pockets—but no more of that, hem, hem.

"Here are my medicines, gentlemen, a rare catalogue! you are welcome to them all gratis, ha, only I must have notes payable in seven years.

"This viol, gentlemen, contains the aurum potabile of politics, a great favourite with all parties. If you will give a man a drop of this in a morning, he may pick pockets all day long, and yet never be discovered.

"This little box contains a most precious ointment, for all who itch after places and pensions. Only rub your thumb with it, and you will find a patent in your pocket.

"Here is an invaluable parcel of caustic powder, for weak consciences. Only rub the conscience with it every evening, when going to bed, and you will not only never have bad dreams, or tormenting reflections, but your conscience will get quite seared; and you may do with it whatever you please, if you do not cut it out, and sell it to a pawn-broker, as many of my friends have done, and yet never suffered any inconvenience.

"Look, gentlemen, here is a viol of liquor, worth its weight in diamonds. Only throw a little of it in the faces of the spectators, and their sight will be so confounded, that they shall look upon you as quite a different person from what you really are. Miss — will appear the most modest of women; Mr. — the most honest of mankind. A jesuit shall seem a patriot, a madman a philosopher, a highway man a methodist preacher. This is called the cozening liquor, gentlemen; and is very rarely to be got, for the ministry generally buy all they can procure.

"This, gentlemen, is a political barometer, for the regulation of the stocks. If the mercury begins to fall, sell out; and if it begins to rise, buy in. You will never be deceived, gentlemen: you may be as secure, as if you regularly bribed a clerk of the treasury for intelligence.

"This ointment for the eyes will let you see all the designs of the minister, in their just light. In vain shall he cover them with the wool of secrecy, or draw the curtain of dissimulation. It is composed of euphrasy and rue, gentlemen, as our great poet says,

—then purg'd with euphrasy and rue,

The visual nerve, for he had much to see.

"Here is my grand secret, the infallible murmuring trumpet, gentlemen, which may be heard from one extremity of the British empire to the other; and yet the sound is little louder than a whisper. This is the grand machine for spreading scandal against a minister, and discontent against his government. Often at the sound of it has a minister fallen to the ground, as the walls of Jericho did before the trumpets of Israel.

"This, gentlemen, is a viol of ink of a very black sort, and not apt to wash out, of peculiar use in the composition of libels.

"Here is a private printing press, constructed upon such expeditious principles, that it will throw off a thousand hand-bills in a minute. It is not served by printers' devils, but by real devils, which have been bound to it by my great friend, whom I have always in my eye, the Magician Grominagrobus.

"Look at this large pair of bellows, gentlemen, they are formed of the lungs of Stentor, and of a great senator conjoined. Their effect upon the wind-mill of public good, I can assure this honourable audience from experience, is quite stupendous, and amazing. From mere strength of explosion they will turn it, even against the wind of eloquence.

"This, gentlemen, is a box of sugarplumbs, not for children, no; they are used by some members, who call them witticisms, and scatter them in the house, when they have nothing else to do.

"Lastly, here is a rattle, equal to any horse-laugh in the world, to confound an opponent, when we cannot confute him."

The rabble greedily buy up the quack's articles; and give him notes, payable in the course of seven years, which he receives at the treasury of the ministry, or of the opposition, as the wind-mill turns, with a thousand per cent interest.

CHAPTER XIV. How Will Whig proved that a high horse is a low one.

WILL WHIG got prouder and prouder every day. At last nothing would serve him, but he must have a high horse, as James Tory had in his management[*].

A great war horse was accordingly got Lord! how he did stamp, and foam, and rear, and terrify old maids in dark nights! He over-turned two old women, and snorted at a plough-boy[*].

Will however proceeded with some prudence in this momentous affair. He convened most of the tenants at a public house; and made them tipsey with rumbo, cyder and stingo. When it began to get dark, he sent for his high horse, and led the tenants out to see it.

My friends," says Will, "I know that it is reported, by my enemies, that I have got as high a horse, as ever James Tory had. But as you are grave and sober men, I wish to convince you of the contrary before I begin to ride him. Do look at him, gentlemen, and you will find that he is so far from being a high horse, that he is as low a horse as any man of my size can ride, without having his feet in the dirt, which would neither be for my honour, nor yours, nor that of the estate, which I have the honour to manage."

"It is so dark that we can see nothing," said one of the tenants.

"Do handle him then, gentlemen," said Will. "Feeling is the truth."

One of the tenants accordingly went up to the horse's fore-quarters, and another to his hind. But "D—n the horse!" resounded, at once, from both ends. The horse bit the one, and kicked the other.

The tenants seeing this, did not care to run any further risque; but said they would take Will's word as to the size of the horse: and immediately signed a paper, which Will presented to them, testifying to all whom it might concern, that the horse was not the highest horse in the world, but such a horse as Will found it absolutely necessary to ride.

Will also bought of a quack some cozening liquor, and threw it in the eyes of the tenants; so that all believed that the horse was rather of the lowest.

Notes

*
And rightly: for I can assimilate no conception of a manager who has not a horse of great altitude. See my Taxation no Tyranny. JOHNSON.
↵

*
These two old women are the witch of Endor, and Sarah Gubbins, whose story was printed at London 1558, 8vo. black letter. STEEVEN.
A mistake. The two old women I do not choose to explain; but the plough-boy is the landed interest. WAREURTON.

↵

CHAPTER XV. How James Tory supplanted Will Whig in the management.

THE tenants were, after all that had past, not disatisfied so much with Will Whig's management, as they had been with that of James Tory; for Will, with all his faults, had done more towards the real improvement of the estate in a few years, than James had done in his long management. All the great, and public-spirited, schemes, which had ever been entered into by the tenants, originated in Will's noddle.

James Tory was, however, using all the arts he could, to undermine Will; and art was the chief talent of James: whereas Will was, upon the whole, a frank open fellow, and too wise to be cunning, except now and then to guard against James, and then with a fox he was a fox and a half.

James found, however, that he made some progress in the good-will of the tenants, because he got, and kept together a number of them, who opposed Will in some points prejudicial to their interests. But he could not hope to get the management again as long as Will kept all his senses about him; and he was forming schemes how to administer to Will a strong opiate, when an accident gave him all the advantage which he could desire.

Will was riding his high horse one morning[*], when lo! at the turning of a lane, stood James Tory's ass eating thistles.

Will's horse started, and reared, and threw his master with great violence, who fell upon his head, and was taken up so much hurt that his life was despaired of. He was long dangerously ill; and would certainly have died, if he had had a physician.

James, in the mean while, availed himself of the illness of Will; and as no other person offered, the Lord appointed, and the tenants, reluctantly, consented that James should resume the management.

Notes

*
That is, allegoricaly, at the beginning of a new reign. WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER XVI. How James bribed, and swore, and lied.

JAMES Tory found the greater part of the tenants so adverse to his administration, that he was forced to improve upon Will Whig's plan of bribery. Hardly was there left a tenant upon the estate who did not fall a prey to 'saint-seducing gold.'

He pretended that he forgave all his old enemies, and that there should be no more parties upon the estate; but he always employed his old friends, and did not like the adherents of Will Whig. He would, however, send the latter upon any dangerous business, that if it failed they might bear the blame; whereas, if it succeeded, he knew that he should have all the praise, with the additional same of being candid and impartial.

He swore solemnly, and repeatedly, that he was an honest man; and encouraged swearing so much by rule, that no tenant could sell a pennyworth of snuff, without swearing that it was right snuff, and paid excise. Swearing proceeded to such a pitch, that at last the tenants came one night and burned the pillory; and agreed that every man should swear what he pleased.

This was the more surprising, as James was always a pretender to great piety: and, upon the resumption of his office, he renewed his acquaintance with the parson of the parish, and turned up the whites of his eyes, as before.

Adversity had indeed taught James a little moderation; but at bottom he was still the same man. Will Whig had carried many dangerous measures by art and persuasion; but James was always for force. "D—n you, do you oppose my sovereign will?" was his common expression to unruly tenants. Even in bribery, instead of putting a purse of gold into a tenant's pocket, he would often throw it at his head, and knock him down with it.

Withal he was a monstrous lyar. He indeed no longer insisted that the tenants should believe a crust of bread to be the leg of a duck, but he would tell them that a notorious knave was an honest man; that a highwayman was the fittest person to be a Justice of Peace, because he had experience of business; and the like. He would also boldly assert that the moon was made of green cheese, and that Will Whig was an enemy of the estate. He said that the greatest part of mankind were made to be driven to market by the less; and that it was a vulgar error to suppose that rivers rose from springs, and ran to the sea; while he could demonstrate that rivers rose from the sea, and run up the land, losing their saltness by the filtration of their progress[*].

He was quite a jesuit in politics, and had always two faces under a mask. He said there was a certain oil, without the influence of which, the wheels of no government could roll, and that this oil was money. Forgetting that no oil is necessary, except the wheels be rusty.

He squeezed the rents to the utmost pitch, an pretence of the good of the estate; though it was well known that he did this for the purpose of bribery, and his own profit.

Notes

*
An allusion to misconceptions on the origin of government. WARBURTON.
↵

CHAPTER XVII. How James lost a part of the estate.

THERE was a large extent of ground, belonging to the estate, which lay upon the further side of a large river; and was chiefly inhabited by the worshippers of Calvin. James hated this worship cordially, for he was, at heart, a Roman Catholic, and a great favourer of Catholics. The tenants of this part had, however, in some degree, escaped the rapacity of James, because being at a distance, his authority over them was not so immediate.

James, wishing to gain all he could, and forgetting that his master's claim to that part of the estate was a little dubious, endeavoured to rack the rents of its tenants. He visited them in person for that purpose, but only got a bloody nose. Upon which he commenced an action of battery against the tenants; and they counter-suited him by an indictment, for attempting, privately, to steal from their persons.

Will Whig, who had been well for some time, and had opposed James Tory's new management, as usual, began to appear with great vehemence upon this occasion. He had not opposed James, when he racked the tenant's rents on this side the river, because he was affraid of the argument adverecundiam; and chiefly because he was in hopes of having the management again, in which case the racked rents would have been useful to him, and his friends. But he saw plainly that, in the present case, James had the wrong sow by the tail; and that he was running a risk of losing part of the estate by mere greediness.

As Will foresaw, so it came to pass. The tenants on the further side of the river, irritated by the tyrandic spirit of James, declared that his management did not extend to that part of the estate. And, after a troublesome law-suit, James was non-suited: and the tenants beyond the river were declared freeholders.

CHAPTER XVIII. How James and Will formed a coalition.

IT might have been expected that this mortification would have been of essential service to James, by the abatement of his pride. But James was one of those who, if they are pounded in a mortar, as saith the holy scripture, will be still the same. He could not part with his high horse, not he.

Will Whig had still so strong a party, that he not a little embarrassed James in his management. In fact their squabbles had such an effect, that the tenants neglected their industry; and nothing could be done for the benefit of the estate.

A cunning fellow, called Solomon Cacataba, observing this, and that the wiser sort of the tenants were sick both of James and Will, aspired to the management himself. Representing to the lord the disatisfaction of the tenants, he procured a mandate appointing him manager.

James and Will hearing of this, hung their ears; and James proposed to Will to have a meeting at a public house.

After a hearty drink, and a game at cards, James addressed himself thus to Will: "It is truly ridiculous, my lad, for you and me to struggle about the management, and thus give an upstart an opportunity to out wit us both. Suppose we form a coalition, and agree to manage jointly; there will be enough for both; at least, our profits will be better than none at all, as We have now."

Will assented; and the coalition was formed.

The consequence was that, by the influence of their numerous followers, they soon regained the management. But as James was still the old man, and some of their mutual measures were suggested, and followed out, by him; and especially as Solomon Cacataba, who was a mountebank of the first order, had been very profuse of cozening liquor, the tenants were discontented.

This encouraged Hector Truboy, a follower and disciple of Solomon Cacataba, but in faith a clever and good lad, to apply to the discontented tenants, for a deputation to be sent to the Lord, recommending him, Hector Truboy, as the properest person to manage the estate; seeing that Solomon was rather disliked, on account of his Jesuitic principles, and James and Will were supposed to be little better than old rogues. The tenants agreed; and further represented that much was to be hoped from the youth of Hector Truboy, as not enured or experienced in vice.

The lord graciously assented, and Hector Truboy became manager. But the tenants were much disappointed; for his advisers were chiefly the old friends of James Tory, and his measures were, of course, mostly tyrannical and capricious. He was, however, rather fortunate: and good fortune in a general, or a minister, is equivalent to great ability.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * quaedam desiderantur * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

CHAPTER XIX. A digression on coalitions.

WHEN you mix strong and weak, sweet and four, you form a coalition, commonly called punch; a pleasant liquor, but not wholesome.

When you mix vegetable and animal, and oil and vinegar, you form a coalition, commonly called a sallad, which is both pleasant and wholesome.

In like manner political coalitions may prove either good or bad, for the health of the state.

Coalitions in religion are wished for by all honest men, who look upon true religion as incompatiable with a spirit of controversy, and enmity: but, to the great consolation of the enemies of religion, the sects are still destroying each other; and infidelity triumphs in the civil war, mindful of the remark of Tacitus, Dum singuli pugnant universi vincuntur. 'Go on my friends,' says the laughing infidel; 'fight about high church, and low church, till neither church exists: fight about your tithes, till none are paid: fight about your surplices, till they are torn from your backs: fight about bishop, and presbyter, till both are annihilated. Fight, I say; and fight bravely!'

Political coalitions have always been common. Not a party, madam, ever existed since the world began, but was in same degree formed by coalition. Opinions vary like faces: every man has his own: the party has only a single leading opinion, which unites them. In other respects they are a coalition.

But some coalitions shock by their excessive violence. Were you to present at your table, madam, a plate of salmogundy, mixt with strawberries, every guest would stare.

No one is shocked at a coalition between a watchman and a house-breaker, between a pick-pocket and a trading justice, between a prime minister and a jesuit, between a chief lord of the treasury and a commissary, between — Stop! Sacrifice to Harpocrates[*]!

No, madam, these are all matters of course.

But a coalition between a catholic bishop and a calvinistic presbyter, between a lord chancellor of England and a burgo-master of Amsterdam, between the devil and an exorcist, between the King and John Wilkes, between the Duke of Richmond and Cohorn the engineer, between Charles Fox and the Queen of France, between a cat and a rat, between a man and his wife, would be truly surprising.

A wonder, madam, lasts only for nine days.

Notes

*
The god of silence. Warburton.
↵

CHAPTER XX. The birth and education of Jack Common-good.

ABOUT this time Jack Common-good began to make a stir upon the estate.

Jack was the son of parents in a moderate situation of life, neither poor nor rich: but what they had was independent. He was from his infancy a remarkable shy boy; fond of retirement, and of doing, good unseen. He seemed always lost in thought; and with all Will Whig's frankness, and goodness of heart, he had more solidity and sedateness. Money he put no value upon, except to give away in charity.

Having lost his father and mother very early in life, he was trained up by a cruel uncle, a relation of Will Whig's. Jack profited as all do in the school of adversity; and, with all the abilities of Will Whig, had a humility the most profound. When Jack began to promise great things, James Tory pretended that he was his relation: but this Jack always denied; and indeed he had not a particle of James Tory's cunning, or tyranny.

All Jack's studies centered in the doing of good to his fellow creatures. He was well versed in classical learning; but he said that he would prefer one good action to all the learning in the world. And he proved that he did not speak in vain.

He would often assert that mankind were complete masters of every art, except the only one which they ought to prefer to all; the art of bettering themselves, and the society they live in.

The Italian proverb, that 'opinion is the queen of the world,' pleased him much; and he often wished that the reign of this fantastic queen were at an end, and Reason enthroned king in her place.

A conqueror he always termed a butcher; and affected great contempt for war, except in self-defence, or in defence of freedom. With the French moralist, he laughed at the madness of mankind, who esteem a sword, which destroys men, a badge of honour and decoration, while the instrument which creates men is an object of shame.

He would say that the happiness of mankind depended solely upon the rectitude of their opinions: and while their opinions were false, they would ever be miserable. 'Can that country be wise, or happy, where a soldier is a title of honour, and a mechanic a term of contempt? Nobility should attend utility. I know no real nobles, except the mechanic and the farmer. But mankind will always honour shadows, and neglect the substance. Those nations who adore the sun have some excuse: but how numerous are they who worship wooden idols, of their own making; and are struck with awe at the finery with which they themselves have drest them!'

In such paradoxes did Jack indulge. They at first attracted notice, merely by their novelty; but the more they were examined, the more solid they were found. The tenants began to be much pleased with Jack; and to say that, to this vigour of youth, he added more than the wisdom of age.

CHAPTER XXI. The Speech of Jack to James and Will.

WHEN Jack Common-good came to man's estate, he began to attend the meetings of the tenant's; where he was distinguished by his intrepidity, and the novelty and force of his reasoning.

At one of these meetings, which James Tory and Will Whig regularly attended, they jointly proposed an important scheme, in outward appearance for the good of the estate; but which, in reality, would only have terminated in lodging a good sum o• money in their pockets. Jack saw through this immediately; and rising up, addressed them in these terms:

"Gentlemen, I honour you both equally. You James Tory have done harm to the estate; and you Will Whig have done it little good. Even when detached from each other, your administrations resembled each other so nearly, that all the tenants saw that a change of men was not a change of measures. To load the tenants with taxes, and corrupt them with bribery, were the leading objects of both. Do you really suppose gentlemen, that the tenants will be your dupes for ever? Do you not know that they see through your schemes? If you must deceive us, do not at least insult our understandings. What is your private interest, what are your parties, to the good of the estate? Drop them, in the name of common honesty: and, if you formed an union for the sake of ambition and interest, as your enemies say, do form another for the good of the estate, and the tenants. Wipe away, by present merit, the memory of past offences. Let the knowledge of the contempt, into which you are fallen, act as a spur to incite you to redeem yourselves from it, by actions of real worth and public benefit, such as envy herself cannot distort from their just beauty."

James and Will, who had not been accustomed to such free remonstrances, gasped like dying cods, and slunk away in confusion.

CHAPTER XXII. Jack's visit to Frankland.

JAMES and Will were at first quite angry with Jack; and, by means of their adherents, gave him so many mortifications, that Jack thought proper to retire to Frankland, a neighbouring estate.

Here Jack was surprised with a very odd scene: for Frankland, which had been long opprest by bad management, had all of a sudden become one of the freest estates in the country.

This was owing entirely to the spirit of the tenants, which long oppression had roused into a flame. They had seized upon the management themselves; and made a new code of rules, to determine all questions by, concerning the management. The public good was to be the only law. Tithes were abolished; and the imprudent power and claims of the richer annihilated. They would allow of no nobility, but that of merit; and all men were to be equal as God made them.

Some heads had been broken upon the occasion. But what is the death of a few men, to the good of thousands, and the descendants of three thousands? Never had such a revolution been accomplished with as little bloodshed. Jack justly observed that it was seldom the public good could be accomplished without broken heads. That a little bloodshed makes a great noise; whereas the death of successive millions, from want and misery occasioned by tyrannic government, is not attended to. So great is the power of that mad lady Opinion !

Jack was glad to find some of his own schemes realized; and still happier to reflect that, to set his fellow-tenants to rights, there was no occasion for such extremities. 'Let us,' said he, 'put an effectual stop to bribery, resorm our old laws, agree what tenants are to be invited to the meetings, insist upon the tenants being mentioned first in all solemn deeds, instead of the manager, and some other matters, and we shall do verywell.'

CHAPTER XXIII. How Jack Common-good was made manager of the estate.

JAMES and Will, finding that they could not regain the confidence of the tenants, and observing that Jack was very popular among them, generously agreed to serve their wishes by inviting him back, and lending him all their influence to procure the management. And Hector Truboy as generously resigned his place in favour of Jack.

Jack could hardly believe his good fortune. But, as soon as he was installed, he insisted upon Will Whig's dropping all connection with James Tory, whom Jack could not abide. Will cheerfully exchanged the friendship of James, for that of Jack; for Will's connection with James had been what Shakespear calls a 'half-faced fellowship.'

When Jack had accomplished this purpose, he took Will into all his councils; and as they agreed in most points, and had much the same train of thinking, their friendship became most firm. Will's experience assisted the genius of Jack; and Jack's honesty checked the self-interest of Will.

James was detested by both; but permitted not only to remain upon the estate, but always to speak his mind freely at every meeting; for Jack said an opposition was necessary for the public good, and if not virtuous in itself, at least made the manager circumspect, and kept the tenants upon their guard.

CHAPTER XXIV. How Jack reformed the Estate.

JACK began his management, by reforming the meetings of the tenants. Hitherto the possessors of some ruinous farm houses had been permitted to sit at the meetings, and to vote as the rest; and as they were very poor, James and Will had easily bribed them to support any measure they pleased. These Jack turned out; and appointed others, the possessors of new farm houses, built upon the estate, but whose owners had not hitherto sat, because some musty usages of the estate were against it.

He moreover made such effectual laws against bribery, that it was impossible for himself, or any future manager, to use it. He thus secured a meeting, in which the members could have no private interest to serve, except that of the public good.

He abrogated many foolish old laws. Some tenants murmured, and said, that he was changing the constitution of the estate. 'Poh! constitution indeed!' said Jack, 'if your constitution has the gout, why not change it? Diseases must get into every constitution; and why not cure them when we can?

The money was so bad that hardly a good shilling, or half-penny, could be had upon the estate. Jack effectually provided against this.

He also candidly insisted, at a general meeting, that the tenants should always be named first in every writing, relating to the estate; whereas other managers, with strange impudence had named themselves only.

He portioned out all the waste lands of the estate; and sold them to pay its debts.

His other alterations were so many, that we cannot pretend to enumerate them. But six others are so important, that they must be mentioned.

The first was * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * multa desiderantur * * * * * * * *

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A new tale of a tub: written for the delight and instruction of every British subject in particular, and all the world in general.

Pinkerton, John, 1758-1826.

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1106012771

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9781106012777

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cw3305502964

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0052403500

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— A new tale of a tub: written for the delight and instruction of every British subject in particular, and all the world in general., Pinkerton, John, 1758-1826.. [4],iv,128p. ; 12⁰. London :: printed for J. Ridgway,. 1790.. [Attributed to John Pinkerton.] [With a half-title.] [Reproduction of original from the British Library.] [English Short Title Catalog, ESTCT53823.] [Electronic data. Farmington Hills, Mich. : Thomson Gale, 2003. Page image (PNG). Digitized image of the microfilm version produced in Woodbridge, CT by Research Publications, 1982-2002 (later known as Primary Source Microfilm, an imprint of the Gale Group).]

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